BPDFamily.com

Hi,

I see from a lot of the posts on here that it's pretty common for people with BPD to be with people who have narcissistic tendencies.

I wonder why? Can someone explain? My BPDexh had BPD and NPD, and his narcissistic traits were often expressed in very controlling rages towards me. I don't see any of you people exhibiting that kind of behaviour?

For those of you that score highly for narcissism, how does your narcissism express itself?

I'm just trying to gain clarity over what of his 'stuff' was BPD vs NPD and why the two go together.

For the record, I score high on the tests here for Avoidant and Dependent, (with a smattering of schizotypal)  - and in my head, it makes more sense that those personality types would tolerate a BPD relationship than someone with narcissist tendencies.

If someone could shed some light on my confusion that would be great.   

My layman's opinion is that when they meet, the compliment the hole's in each other very well.  the BPD is looking for someone to idolize.  the NPD acts super grandiose, and the BPD gets sucked in.  the BPD's idolization/ego stroking appeals to the NPD, so the NPD gets sucked in.  it's a rather unhealthy cycle if you ask me.

i have an exuBPDxgf that was married to a guy that seemed rather NPDish to me for something like 15 years prior to when they divorced.

I could be wrong here, but I feel like Frida Kahlo and Diego Rivera are that classic couple.  From what I understand, they tortured each other immensely.

My opinion is that it is easier to understand from the point of mirroring and compensation, whereas the generalization that BPDs and NPDs' match in heaven and hell is true, but certainly it is an oversimplification. I have also read about BPD to BPD, and overall matches within cluster two.

An easier approach that also helps to understand ourselves is to look at what are our PD traits that a) we welcome to see in others, normally those are leaving us with the feeling of knowing that person, understanding each other from a moment we meet and b) what are the PD traits that we do not have but we want to have in ourselves, the traits we admire in others. The same applies to our current or ex partners.

I scored around 40% (ranging from 39% - 42%) on BPD, NPD, HPD, DPD and OPCD - so three in dramatic cluster and two in anxious. My ex had strong BPD, and less HPD and Avoidant traits according to me, whereas he self-assessed himself as being avoidant.

Fantasies of ideal love - are shared by NPDs and BPDs and we both had that in our relationship. Interestingly I did not have any fantasies about career, success or power, but always had "ideal love" with a sense of entitlement.  HPD also wired emotionally the relationship and there was more or less similar curve of intense emotions and dramatization of the situation.  So here we perfectly mirrored each other.  At the same time my dependent and his avoidant traits played a compensatory role, I adored his "sense of freedom and independence", whereas he was drawn to my  overly caring and giving behavior.

In this way my guess is that in your relationship, Jbt857, you and your partner had also a similar dance as you described. So my point is if we talk about NPD and BPD - the attention should be paid also to the other traits that are detrimental for the relationship to evolve, which I think should involve traits from anxious cluster, for example, high dependency and avoidance with BPD and NPD respectively.

My another point here that not many people score very high on NPD because of the test's biases with wording.  Who having any slight ideas about NPD will answer that they believe in having "grandiose" self?