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Hi,  im now 1 week no contact and my x has been trying to lure me in with sex.   

She says we dont have to be friends, and can pretend to be strangers in public, but wants to continue having sexual relations... .   I m so tempted, and am having a hard time resisting.   Im near breaking, but trying to hold on to nc.   Is it possible to only have a sexual relationship with a BPD?  nevermind my emotional torment, and the fact I might get drawn back in hell... .  I know ive probably answered my own question, but any advice or experience would be helpful. 

I feel your pain brother. I'm only a couple days in and am dreading that message.

I think we both know the answer though.

ahhhh yes... .friends with benefits... .

we ALL know the sex is fantastic, likely the BEST you ever had and she makes you feel like a porn star! My ex lured me into the same type of arrangement, LAST YEAR and she STILL has me wrapped around her finger for the most part a YEAR later. I'm still involved in all the pain and torment a year later, do you want to be like me?

So me and EVERY other person on this board will tell you not to... .but I also know you might not listen and head back for more (Cuz I have)... .so I say this. Don't be like me, don't do it! You might think it's just sex, but trust me, it's not.

Stay strong, stay NC... .if you need be, I'll be trying to practice what I preach... .

Whether or not she can have a purely sexual relationship or not.  I think the big question can you have just a sexual relationship without letting your emotions in.  I would be willing to bet that neither of you could not.

People with BPD are master manipulators and sex is their weapon.

How masochistic are you willing to be?

My opinion is actually a little different from the above... .

I know people with BPD have hurt you guys a lot, but they are still human beings and imo worthy of your respect.

They're going through a lot as well...

If you would go along with such an agreement, who actually is the manipulator? You are using her (or him) just as much as she/he's using you.

So I'm really sorry if this offends someone, but I really don't understand how you could do something like this if you're really separated and done with (which seems the requirement for posting her).

After we broke up my ex asked me if I would continue to have sex with her even after I remarried someone else.  What the heck is that other than pure craziness?  I did think for a while that I would be willing to have sex with her in the future after I got over her (and was not remarried), but what good would it do?  I would risk the chance of getting hooked again and she would become totally obsessed if I was having sex with her less any emotions.  

We all have needs, emotional and physical.  I dont think it fair that our needs have to take a back seat to BPD's.  I realize they are ill, but it seems to me to be a very convenient disorder to have.    Sorry if I sound horrible... just how I feel.  I realize Id probably never want to walk a day in their shoes.  Hopefully I can meet a sane woman with whom I can share my dreams, joy, pain, love etc... .  Hopefully we all can.

I completely agree with this 100%

The best thing to do is cut them off and move on, they are mentally ill.

It hurts but they have the emotional age of a young child, that's what puts me off ever going back.

I cannot comment on a consensual quid pro quo between a private couple, but the premised "we aren't friends" and "we'll pretend to be strangers in public," aligns too neatly with borderline traits.  Wearing masks, juggling disconnects, and objectifying needs to that degree will damage your psyche. Agreeing to turn "faux borderline" for a carrot, in short order will leave you feeling empty. Those terms sound extremely cold and alienating, whether disordered or not.           

In a word: NO!

Unless, that is, you want to be back in the r-ship. Because that's what you'd be deciding to do. Think it through -- let's say your ex persuades you that this is a workable arrangement, and you agree. Both of you even agree that you're going to see other people, and agree that it won't be an issue, because you've talked about it (don't they always tell us as long as we talk about it, and we're not keeping secrets, it's ok?), and you've both agreed (aren't they the best people we know at keeping agreements and holding up their end of the bargain?).

So, let's say, just for discussion purposes, that you both go for it. And it's great. Until the day comes when s/he tells you (or doesn't, for that matter) that s/he wants to focus on another r-ship. Or is falling in love with someone else. Or, better -- you have to tell him/her the same thing. How will that go? Can you handle it? Can s/he?

Pretty clear in my mind.

EdR --

Very insightful question here! --

Just wear a condom if you do!

I've had the ex who I slept with and anytime we needed a date for a social event we went together. In the end someone usually gets hurt a little. Someone has to eventually move on.

Sleeping with the exBPD seems way too risky for me. Even if it was months later and no longer emotionally attached I thinks it's still risky, let alone a week later. I'd say if you sleep with the exBPD be prepared for the pain which inevitably will follow. 

Or, god forbid -- some kind of entrapment, if they are feeling vengeful -- which could easily be triggered if you reach that point where you have to tell them that you've met someone else that you really like and want to pursue a monogamous r-ship with them. YIKES!

Not to be blunt but imagine having sex with a three year old and that's your answer.

Sex without emotions with someone you were in love with or a previous r/s?

With a BPD who may have abused you, or cheated on you? Then who is compartmentalizing? The Non or the BPD?  Not even a question of manipulation when both parties are in agreement.

I could not nor would I choose to do it. Mine field of emotionally volcanic proportions.

Someone else said it, my brother has even told me this as I have gone to him with the same struggle before. He said that the best sex he ever has had in his life was with the "crazy ones" as he termed it. He also said it is not worth it just for the sex. So yes the sex with them is fantastic! I was just remembering today in fact. That crazy mental illness makes the sex more fun, at least for me it was true. I also know for me I couldn't do it without getting sucked in emotionally.

However, I liked what someone said about is it respectful of them? If I think about it, I want to respect my ex especially bc we have a kid. Now i don't like the woman at the moment, and if she propositioned me it would be tough but she deserves as much respect as I deserve, and I deserve to give myself that respect. So I would say brother don't do it. Tempting yes... .but beware. It is like the wolf in sheep's clothing. It wouldn't be just about sex to them either, no matter what they would say.

In bold.

Your emotional torment... .

While getting drawn back in hell... .

Will increase exponentially... .

Because you will begin... .

To invest feelings... .

Right back into... .

The very person... .

That will only hurt you... .

Again... .

And again.

Having sex or not... .

With the pwBPD... .

Will be the least of your worries.

She will hurt you.

Hang in there.

just throwing this out there--there's plenty of healthy people who have amazing sex too. i for one don't think crazy people are better in bed, please they don't deserve that much credit.

2nd that.

I think this is overgeneralizing. Also a huge component of sex is emotional, so that might say more about your brother than it says about the "crazy ones"? And I'm not saying emotional as in necessarily some deep connection, which it could be, but emotional can mean feeling high on the fact that he's about to bang some hot crazy chick.

Now, let's see... .what was my biggest mistake in BPD relationship?

To enter into it? No, I had no idea such people exist and was blind to red flags.

To stay despite devaluation from day one? Nope, it was my choice that imagined intimacy was more important then my self-respect.

To forgive numerous triangulations? Nah, I still believed then that love conquers all.

My ultimate mistake was to fall for "Coffee, cookies, sex?" text 2 months into our first breakup.

This led to absolutely devastating year and a half, that cost me dearly.

They never forget enything, and she will make you pay dearly. Now, it is your choice to go back in or not, we can help you with our experiences, and you should be aware that there is a pattern of behaviors. Also, there is no such thing as free lunch, even in relationships. And you will just be adding to balance.

NB, funny, when I think back to that text, even these words were a lie. I got coffee, some sex that she clearly did not enjoy, but she lied about the cookies.

Sex helps a BPD feel validated and temporarily boosts their almost non-existent self -esteem.They feel no emotional intimacy because their disorder renders them incapable of it.

You will be sucked into her world yet again,used for validation and spit out as many times as you allow it.

Don't let her hurt you any more than she already has.

Stay NC and stay strong,we are all there for you.

Numbers! -- good to see you! How've you been?


Remember our solidarity cheer from a year ago? -- "Remember the Pumpkin Strudel!"  lol

saw_tooth --


Also one of the ways many -- w/ and w/out personality disorders -- self-soothe. The endorphins released during sex flood our brains with positive vibes. To a pwBPD, good feelings = good. "I feel good, therefore I am good."

To quote Ironmanfalls, "I really f¥cking hate this disorder." Even turns the joy of sex on its head.

Several weeks after our parting I was offered the crazy sex as well. It was rather provocative in presentation in that she just began to remove her clothes after a dinner engagement together after I accompanied her into her house. I said "no, no I do not think this is what we should be doing now". She replied that "no man says no to this". I paused for a second and the best I could say in the moment was,"well I guess I will be the first", and walked out.

She sent some sweet texts for a short time. Then came the e-mail that basically said "I'm so happy that you are finally letting me go. Maybe now you can come out of the closet. You don't have to hide it anymore".  At that point I've remained STRICT NC.

The way I figure it is you are darned if you do go for more sex, and darned if you don't. In hindsight I believe my route was the shortest path to the inevitable final outcome.  

I have said what I wanted to say in this topic. In all seriousness and openness. So the next part I am going to write down now, doesn't change that... .

But... .it must be my twisted sense of humor... .but that made me laugh. She really had a sense of humor. (sorry  :) )

Don't be sorry at all. I have a fairly twisted up sense of humor as well. I am able to chuckle about it "now" as well. lol Then... .I was different then.

Thank you! :-) Yeah, I understand. You still made the right decision though ;-)

I do have to admit at the time it took me a minute to figure out what she was saying. I was like... .closet, what closet? lol Sheesh... .those were the "days" I'd rather not repeat.

Oh, sweetheart (as we say in the South), if my ex showed up, I would be naked in a heartbeat. But I know my heart would ache afterwards.

Be strong.

ShadowDancer --

Still -- pretty awesome that you walked away. Good for you.

e.

hi guys

i am a woman who has just 'detached' from another woman who has BPD.

Yup sex is very tempting, as it is so good... .but

it is definitely the hook that will draw you in.  We are talking again after I ended it a few weeks ago, but I can see that from one discussion she believes 'all will be ok'... and it definitely wont!

Dont have sex guys, woman are more manipulative that you could imagine

sandy m

Thank you. That felt very good reading that.

I did care deeply for the person. I wanted to be chivalrous and be my usual white knight self. I was attempting some kind of rational closure to the relationship that seemed to me so very unrepairable at the time. And also in addition after all of her stories about being "used just for sex" I had a instinctual bad feeling about her offer. I suppose in the looking back I was seeking that elusive "closure" that was not to be. Now after over a year of NC I feel good about and awesome in my conduct as well. Thanx again.

Sirens of Homer. Be strong.

there's been a lot of talk about sex not meaning anything to the BPD on this thread, and it brought up a question of curiosity... .

i dont see how that can be true if the BPD is going around telling people how they think they're in love, etc, how can the BPD not feel that same way when they are with the person and able being physically affectionate? especially when thats their intention... .i compare that to other girls i've known and i'll point out an example of say my ex as well as another girl i knew... they both would tell me they would get wet when they were around me... .i dont see how the resulting sex from that would mean nothing to the other person, BPD or not... .

maybe i'm wrong, but i would need further evidence to tell me the sex didnt mean anything... .maybe it did in the beginning and then when i wasnt the knight in shining armor maybe then it just turned into her just seeking orgasms... .i dont know... .


but to answer your question, no way is it worth going back to her for sex... .its just not worth it the after effects... .you can lie and tell yourself you can treat it as just sex and it wont mean anything to you, but that won't be the case... .theres much more to just the sex, its the time spent together around the sex when she's presenting her perfect/fake image

I'm so weak.

I gave into the "I want you to hold me" after 3 days of nc, which I broke myself, before her.

I made the 40 minute drive for what I wasn't sure. Maybe a booty call, maybe a snuggle session, maybe a get back together session.

So we ended up having the crazy long sex, after her big O, I O'd. Well in the past it was always inside her. ( we have probably had sex well over a thousand times) I decided to pull out.

Wholly poop did that ever send her into a rage. So what do I do? Well a replay with her ending in the morning.

What the heck is wrong with me? Oh yeah, she tells me two therapists (hers) have diagnosed me with narcissist disorder, I have never seen them. My therapist who has spent,guessing here, 20 hours with me says no way.

I asked her why she thinks she has become so frequent at raging lately, she says it's me.

I feel like massaging my forehead with a brick wall. (Not literally).

dont beat yourself up too much... .

it happened, nothing to gain from dwelling on that, but just figure out what you can learn from that and what your next course of action should be... .

i know i've gone back to my ex when i knew i shouldnt have... .i'm even sure she came to me when she knew she shouldnt have... .

i think its just important to figure out what you want... and to decide that with a clear head... .

dont beat yourself up... .___ happens... just take next steps...

4815162342…she lied about the cookies!  Not that is a boundary violation that cannot be tolerated.  At least you have this as a historical guidepost. 

Your user name is "bruisedbattered." I'm guessing that there was a reason that you picked it! Try and remember how you came to call yourself that.

Havana!  Well said.  Case closed!

2pts --

Wait, now... .this --


WOW. Do they all have "two therapists" who, without knowing us from Adam's housecat, is able to DX us with personality disorders? No lie. Same. Exact. Words. from my ex.

Thank GOD for this site. For reading and understanding and posting myself hundreds of times -- "dx'ing personality disorders is difficult, even for professionals!" And, one of the therapists she claims said this is one that we saw together a few times -- and I like her, and am sure she'd never make some fly-off-the-handle unprofessional statement like that. Sure -- she may have said something, based on my ex's distorted version of reality, like -- "if all of that really is happening, he could have some kind of mental illness" -- which she immediately interpreted as "Yes! Validation from a professional! I am innocent! He is abusive! and bipolar! and narcissistic! Yay! Thank you!"

Crazy-making for sure.

Bruised, there are many facets to good sex and the act is only a mere portion of it. Yes the acts provides instant gratification, those endorphins make you feel great then you crash like you are coming down from an hour long candy binge.

If you follow through it will be short term gain for long term pain. It will do nothing to help you move forward and in fact will only keep you back where you are. Fear can often cause us to be impulsive – it’s easier to give in than not! It’s the easy road because all it does it avoid the real issue…that is…she is disordered and can never give you the relationship you deserve.

Ask yourself what you fear? And what you trying to mask by being impulsive with no promise of anything but instant gratification.

On the flipside some of us “go back” in whatever capacity because we innately believe that we will never get another like them, we are destined to be on or own forever – none of this is true however it’s your negative self talk that is crushing us at this point.

Think with your mind my friend and as Havana said – remind yourself of the devastation ahead if you go through with it and how that devastation cycle will repeat itself every single time you engage with her – in whatever capacity.

Thanks for all the advice, and shared experiences.    I have been maitaining NC in person, but have replied with simple, non emotional txt messages of encouragement for her and therapy.    However, I think she might be stalking me... .   Last night, 5 minutes after I got home, she called and txted me if it was possible for me to go outside... .     Ive blocked her calls, so can only see txts.   I briefly answered "Sorry, no"  and that I wasnt ready, and have my own anger issues to deal with.   She said she understood.    Well I think she knows the longer we dont have sex, the less control she has over me...    I too believe that this talk of therapy could just be another ploy to get her hooks into me.    I must be weary, vigilant, and realistic. 

"I want to live, I want to give, I've been a minor for a heart of gold.

It's these expressions, they never give. That keeps me searching for a heart of gold,

and Im getting old"   N.Young