BPDFamily.com

Do any of you think that a Holiday/Holidays coming can trigger past thoughts?  Today is Halloween and my birthday and I was struggling earlier this week but I feel great today!  I ruminated about our last couple of Halloween's together all week but today I put it all behind me and am refocused.  Happy Halloween to everyone 

I'm not aware of any correlation, if any. However, I was recently triggered by an annual event we always attended together that I attended with someone else.

Funny thing is, last time we attended, I virtually had to beg her to go, she was was reclusive the entire time and later accused me only inviting her only to lessen the financial burden!

On a side note, I feel like we're all in a secret club, where no-one understands what it is until they've been there, lol

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I tried to explain this to my ex wife (not BPD) last night.  She doesn't understand how I am having so much trouble moving on from my udBPDexgf and she says that I just kicked her to the curb when we divorced.  So much more is involved.  The pain of a breakup is bad enough in any relationship. Throw in the fact that no matter what you do you can never make a BPD relationship work, and that totally f@$k's with your mind.  Especially if you have a fixer personality.

I have a fixer personality  :'(

Waifed

Absolutely.  Most major holidays are very emotional to just about everyone.

They are fraught with memories which is normal... .some good and some bad.  Just do not dwell on things you cannot change.

Let the past go.  Enjoy your special day AND a happier future.

Have a spooktacular BOOthday and Happy Halloween.

Aint that the truth! I thought (and still do, for the most part) I could fix anything. Hell I'm a trained Engineer, taught to identify, isolate, and alleviate issues!

Unfortunately, logic does not reside in a BPD relationship!

Having the same right here. :-(

I don't want to compare myself to you guys, but I'm still hurting. I really wanted to send her a really short message just to show that I care (eventually didn't use those words though... .could backfire). I could restrain myself for a while... .

But eventually I 'failed'... .

Of course she didn't reply. I expected no less. But I really just cared... no hidden agenda there.

The best thing that could have happened is a smile on her face. The worst, is that she could use it as a new shade of black. Maybe painting me 'needy' or whatever among friends. I would hate that... .but I know this would fit her BPD.

Of course, I just simply don't know what the effect was... .:-(

Same here - I sent what I thought was a genuine and caring email three weeks ago. Nothing in reply, and what she feels about it - who knows?

Thank you for sharing that. :-)  I know feel less 'weird' for sending something and thus the actual 'failing' on my part.

Absolutely normal. Life events, holidays, anniversaries, pastimes we used to happily share in with our partners, favorite places, foods, songs, movies -- all of these things are potential triggers. Not necessarily in a bad way. But they do trigger our memories.

I think it's a good thing to think about, in relation to how often we hear each other wailing about how hard it is to accept that "nothing was real."

It was real. Everything that happened was real. But now, it's something else.

TBH Christmas will be the hardest - I and her got together on 22 December 2007 - so... .wow, staying power to hang on... . I don't know if I can do it... .

Tiny letters in bold.

I know I can't :-(

Thanks  :)

Sucks to be nice

Mine is still in my house, as most of you know. Tonight, after we take the kids out and put them to bed, she is going to a party. Let her go. I need my alone time. I might stay up late and have a few... .though not too much since I need to go to work the next day.

Thanksgiving (USA) will be tough since it will be at her family's house. That family is used to living in denial, living the lie that things are ok between their parents, though they never have been (though better than in the old days with her father physically abusing her mother). He's still a cheater... .now so is his daughter (my BPDex). It will be hard for me to sit there and think of something to be thankful for. Thankful for our wonderful children, whose stable caretaker I will be now more than ever. Thankful for her family there to support our children. Thankful that it could be so much worse for me and all of us. Thankful for BPD Family (maybe I won't throw that one out at the dinner table !^). Thankful I still have a good job, my ex realizes that, and is not trying-- at this point--- to really take me to the wall for child support (maybe I won't mention that one either :^\ Well, writing that makes me feel slightly better!

Christmas two years ago was ruined due to a severe  depressive episode on her part... .I was this close to calling the authorities to put her on suicide watch. Bad for the whole family. I encouraged her to come out to them about her Depression, which she did and things got a little better. I forgave her somewhat due to she being pregnant with D at the time... .though overall, I remember her being more emotionally regulated during both pregnancies! Too bad she didn't take the Catholic thing seriously... .or we were Mormons.

Christmas last year was almost ruined because she started raging when I got her the present she had asked for, a new iPad, but started raging when I mistakenly got her the wrong color cover for it. She caught herself due to everyone being there, but if we were at home, it would have been bad. This year, I might have to be there on C. Eve, for my kids. Then I can take them for a few days afterwards myself.

The hardest thing will be to think of guarding the hearts of my babies (S3, D1), and not showing them my pain. Hers, she can;t help when she gets triggered. I have the power to not show mine, except to the most perceptive. I need to find that within myself. I know I have it, I just need to embrace it. Oh, man, I just triggered myself... .:^(

Holidays alone would be easy. Spent plenty of them like that when I moved out of state away from everyone for a few years. Just with the kids... .I need to stay connected. Maybe that is a good thing. This whole huge mess will help me grow. Like Captain Kirk said, "I need my pain!"

Waifed, totally there on struggling past few days.

For me, it has to do with it was Halloween week last year that we met and swept each other off our feet. Halloween is his favorite holiday -- so I've been imagining he has plans with a special someone to celebrate.

Fall is my favorite season and I'm spending it broken hearted and single. 

My birthday is in three weeks (Happy birthday, fellow scorpio!).

I spent last Thanksgiving with him and his family.

Yes, tough times, man.

EdR, peas, allweareisallweare --

You can all do it. We all can do it. It's just life. Yes, life is hard at times, but we can do it.

MammaMia's right -- we have to let the past go. It's ok to have memories, but really, in every literal sense, it's over. Gone. Passed.

Dwelling on it only takes away our ability to be truly open to experiencing the present, which is all we really have. Time. This time.

Turkish -- thank you for sharing. Your comments set a good example -- it always helps, I've found, to focus on what we have that is good and real and valuable.

Everyone's going to make it. You're all very strong, brave people. You've already survived.

e.

]

you are right,  you are so right. who the Heck cries on Halloween? I  just took my kids out. D17  mos is so smart.  after a  little bit of initially being scared,  she got it down.  People kept going on how cute she was since she was the littlest  independent  trick or treater.  She is so smart.  less scared than S3  of the haunted houses on our block... .BPD ex offered to bathe her,  but she might be late for the costume party at the club... .I  said I  could bathe both if it came to that. Mr.  Momfine.  I'm  used to it,  though  ex does well with them. I  learned a  lot about childcare  from her... .  which is one reason she trusts me,  to do what she did.  to leave  even though we are splitting the kids, I  will end up with them more.  She can go out,  like teen mom,  knowing I  will take take up the slack.  it's devaluing,  but I  have no choice now. I  just hope she is  gone  soon.   Who cries on Halloween?

Me.

But less so now,  so I  am getting better.

You got this, Turkish. 

Bare/ bear with me...

Vulcans never bluff.

--SPOCK, Star Trek: The Original Series, "The Doomsday Machine"

Once you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth.

--SPOCK, Star Trek (2009)

Pain of change.

thanks peas.  Sorry that you are struggling. 

H2O --

"Embrace the suck." -- traditional Crossfit saying

I live in the far north.  It gets dark and cold here starting in October.  This is a tough time for a lot of people even without the whole BPD drama.  This is the time of year that my ex wife always crashed and acted even more psychotic.  I am not sure if she is now or not; I have not seen her since June (Thank the Lord).  She is now the project of her new man. 

But as we enter this time of year with my daughter's birthday, Halloween, my birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas... .it is tough.  We have three kids and these were family times, although often quite tense with her unstable moods etc... .  I know there are better days ahead.  After December 21st each day has a minute or two more daylight.  That can be a symbol of all of our healing; a bit more sunshine each day as we are out of the mess of a BPD relationship. 

Fiddlestix

Last year at this time... .

I was struggling... .

With the initial aftermath... .

Of the devaluation/discard... .

Of Round 1... .

With my exUBPDgf.

My holidays sucked... .

Last year... .

In large part to that.

Here i am now... .

1 year later... .

3.75 months NC... .

After discard... .

Of Round 2.

And here comes the festive times.

I really f¥cking hate this disorder.

But remember, ironman, it is not your disorder.  It is her's.  You are free to grow and change... .and you are.  I see more hope in your posts.  You are empowered by helping others.  I will say to you, as you so often say to us:

"Hang in there"

Fiddle

fiddle

I too live in a state where SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) is rampant. The light starts to change in late August and by October it is dark, cold, and often dreary.  A perfect prescription for depression.

I suspect this may be fueling many of the problems people on the board are having with depression and sadness.

Blue light therapy works very well to help alleviate the lack of sunlight. Time to get mine out.

i've been through so many versions of hell so far, and now i'm entering another. not to do with holidays or seasons, just another depth of debasement. bromides and potted encouragements don't help, the trivialize.

I actually got the opposite yesterday.  I realized that this was the first halloween in 3 years that there were no eggshells to avoid.  Every Halloween with my exBPDgf was the beginning of a recycle.  Contact had been re established after some weeks to a month of her being really pissed of at me for something I had not even done or something really mean she had done to me.  We would end up taking her son and my son trick or treating and within a couple of days back on the rollercoaster.  Maybe it is just that Halloween and hollow are so similar.

Here's to happy holidays this year Ironman, life is too short.  My holidays sucked too but I will not let another year go by the same way!

Of course holidays are triggers. People often spend time together during those times.

Christmas will be hell. And assuredly some might take the hand on themselves. Its not strange that suicides are higher during holidays.

Last year this time, (checks BPD diary in my iphone), I wrote to myself:

- I'm the only person motivated to making this joined family work.

- She would always find a way to separate herself from the only activates suggested.

- She would barely interact with my children, while I embraced hers

- No followup by her on anything ever discussed

- Consistent claims of helplessness, ignoring me, and any previous assurances of availability

I dressed up as a borderline for Halloween; scared the hell out of everybody.

Yes, here come the Holidays, and we can decide now what we're going to make them mean.  Let's all focus for a minute on the unacceptable crap that happened in our relationships, the reasons the relationship ended, the growth we've done through the pain, and how good life is getting.  The New Year specifically, right around the corner, represents rebirth and a new start; how awesome is next year going to be?

Fromheeltoheal


Hahaha.  I wish you could send us a picture of your Halloween costume!

The Holidays are emotional enough.  Throw in a pwBPD, stir well, and you have

the makings for a disaster.  My dBPDs always hated Holidays.  I finally stopped

encouraging him to attend family functions.

It was his personal choice not to attend and everyone respected it.

Much better.  No guilt.  No drama.