BPDFamily.com

I'm posting things both here and in the leaving/moving on section because right now I am feeling so conflicted and I think it is in part because I am moving on.

Monday I move to a new town which will cut my commute to work in half (currently 90 minutes each way). Contact from my ex (whom I refer to as "Lois" since I saw her last the end of August includes, Her Birthday present crammed into my mail box with the packaging scribbled on with a sharpie, the day after her birthday. A dumping of things that I forgot when I moved out as well as keepsakes we had from our relationship, by my count everything that may possibly remind her of me and many things that if she did not want she could have simply thrown away and some things I have absolutely NO use for left in trash bags on my front porch in the middle of the night, and whether intended or not I am including this in the "contact" from "Lois", My checking account being debited for her power bill in September, unknown to me until I realized my account was over $100 short.

In response to the Birthday present, I did not respond, no contact.

In response to the Dump off, I did not respond, no contact.

In response to the Power bill, I sent a brief email stating I paid the bill by auto-draft, and asked her to remove my banking info from her account, and on my own went and changed my account information at the bank so it could not happen again.

After the power bill I realized I had a couple gift cards that belonged to her so I mailed them to her with a brief note of explanation about the gift cards. That was around the beginning of October.

No other contact on either side. So why is it now, as I approach my move, that I want to contact her? I have no idea and I know no one here can answer for me.

The bad of the relationship was total Hell. I don't believe that I can focus on my new job/career if "Lois" and I are romantically linked, and she made it abundantly clear that she could NOT be friends, after being romantically linked. What the hell is wrong with me that I know this relationship is toxic. But I still want to reach out. Every time I learn a new strategy I think, maybe if I had known this things may have been different, and then I realize some of what I'm learning I unknowingly tried. Can I post the letter here as a bit of Gestalt therapy to make it public and never actually mail it? Would that help me find some closure? Why am I so driven to ensure that if she wanted to contact me she could? But then again she can. she has my phone number and can call or text, she has multiple email addresses and could email, she can find me on Facebook. Why do I feel the need to say this is my address contact me if you can ever forgive me for my perceived transgressions and would like to try and build the friendship we once had?

Again, what's wrong with me. Why do these thoughts occur while I am at work? It kills my productivity, and my schedule is such until my days off I can't do any of the workshops on here.

Why do I want so much to be "enough" for her, knowing that no one will ever be enough for her until she realizes that She is enough on her own? Why did I have to fall in love with the beauty inside this incredible woman before I realized the levels of darkness and despair that also lingered there.

What's wrong with me? I know what is best but can't seem to let go.

What's wrong with me?

Sorry for the rant.

Hi MyKryptonite

I hear your despair and struggles. 

Don't beat yourself about your situation right now. Healing needs time. And perhaps it will get easier accepting that you are struggling with contact.

I think going NC is a good thing for you right now. The other important thing is a healthy routine, enough sleep and something to move your body.

And yes, you can also write a letter to her and put it here instead of sending it to her.

I hope this helps a little bit. We are here for you. 

MrKryptonite,

You are doing really well, those feelings of wanting to reach out are so normal and understandable.  I hope you'll be gentle with yourself, there is nothing "wrong" with you for feeling this way, and you are not alone.

I've noticed other members struggling with suddenly wanting to reach out when there is a big change coming in their lives.  You are moving to a new town, starting a new job, and even though those are positive changes, there may be some anxiety inside about it.  When we feel destabilized, we instinctively reach out for comfort and soothing from familiar people and places, even if much of the time we were unhappy in that situation. 

Focusing on "Lois" keeps you from having to step up in your new career and new life, which is understandably a little scary, but you can do it.  We're all here for you. 

heart