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Well my entire day today has been thinking about him, going over and over our entire relationship.  I have gone through so many different emotions today and all I want to do is message him and tell him how angry I feel, how he let me down, how he lied and cheated and how he accused me of the same things over and over. I'm frightened that I don't know the extent of his cheating, I'm scared to go and get myself checked out  I am 43 years old I was married for 23 years before I met him, how has a grown strong woman with three kids a successful job been reduced to this terrible terrible mess?

Needed to vent on here instead of messaging him

Good call, Oracle.    This is really tough, I remember having these days, too.  You are definitely not alone in your feelings.

Have you thought about writing a letter, getting all the feelings and questions out on paper?  Not to send to him, just for you.  Maybe it's too soon, but it's always an option.  I did it, and it helped a lot. 

Keep posting, we're listening. 

Write down all the terrible things he did to you and read it over an over and over.  Every time you ruminate, read the list and add to it!