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Yesterday was a very very bad day for me and I really think it's all getting too much for me to cope with.I have tried so hard to justify the behaviour of my ex and I thought that the fact that he has been diagnosed with BPD ( and anxiety and depression) would somehow make it easier for me to accept the things that he says to me, to accept that his view of me is distorted,to understand that he will lie and twist reality to suit his needs.But it hasn't worked like that and I find myself reacting in all of the wrong ways.I can't prevent myself from trying to change his views about me.I somehow have the mindset that if I counter his opinions with fact and reality, explain my views and reactions etc that he will concede that his behaviour is wrong, that I am not the evil person he thinks I am.I have spent so long now battling against the abuse,walking on eggshells,thinking about what I say at least three or four times before I say it,having to deal with the fact that there are secret tests( that I fail) and invisible rules ( that I break),that he can speak to me on a childish and superficial level quite nicely but the minute things become "grown up"he explodes... .I am exhausted both physically and mentally.I am questioning my sanity... .why am I not worthy of any empathy?Why does he feel the need to belittle me,shout abuse,laugh at my pain?Is there something about me that screams "victim"?What the hell did I do to deserve this?

Yesterday went as follows... .text from him:" I have decided to make amends with A,B and C as I now realise you have been working alone".I should not have replied,but of course because I am an idiot I did.I replied "I am pleased that you are doing that as it's not nice to fall out with people.Have a nice day".For some reason this was red rag to a bull.He turned up at my house.My front door was unlocked  and I was upstairs working... .he walked in.To summarise,I was accused of constantly bringing up the past,lying,manipulating... .blah blah.He told me he had been in contact with his ex wife but this was none of my business ( I didn't ask him about this... .he just disclosed it),that we were split now and it was all my fault so I should just get over the fact that I had ruined us... .so much crap directed my way.He also revealed that he was afraid of me as "once you get started you square up to me"... .this is utter nonsense.I have never squared up to anyone in my life and even if I did I would suspect the fact that I am 5 foot tall and weigh 7 stone and he is 6 foot 3 and 15 stone would render the exercise pointless.I asked him if he wouldn't mind leaving as I was going to dinner with a mutual friend.His parting shot "I never want to speak to you again.You have ruined everything... .you have caused me to think the way I do and get angry all the time.You drive me F*****g nuts with your constant analysis.Just F**k off ... .you are pathetic.Your stupidity makes me smile... .insignificant b****h".He then texted our friend ( a male) with the following ( our friend showed me the message on his phone)... ."how's it going matey?Out with NB tonight eh?You can **** her if you want.She is a cracking  ****".

Why is all of this happening to me?How did I get myself into this senario?Why do I still feel the constant need to try and make things better?Is it because I just don't want to believe that someone thinks I am so worthless that it is permissible to behave in such a way?How is he capable of such anger?Everything I say or do gets twisted so it becomes all about him.It's always to do with how things affect him.He appears either unwilling or incapable of appreciating that he has totally destroyed me with his words and actions.He seems to relish my pain.I swear he loves to make me cry... .

Does he know what he is doing?Is all of this calculated to destroy me?Before I met him I had never had arguments, never had nasty words happen.I have never had a bad break up (still friends with ex partners).How can someone I loved so much turn into this.All of the things he initially found endearing about me have been turned into flaws.All of the efforts I made into having a relationship have been disregarded.I have been turned into a monster to be feared.And I know I shouldn't feel this way but I could vomit when I think of all of the hand holding I did during his therapy,the doctors,the hospitals.All thrown back in my face.

It sounds dramatic but he has totally destroyed me.There is not one aspect of my life that he hasnt mocked,undermined,criticised.I feel so low today... .cannot stop sobbing.I feel like I am going mad.I have nothing left anymore,no strength,no fight,no self esteem.He has taken it all from me and I am left trying and failing to pick up the pieces whilst he merrily presents to everyone else as a funny kind man.If only they knew what a vile,abusive,controlling,spiteful man he is behind closed doors.But I tell few of the reality... .I am too ashamed.Those I tell get a watered down version as the reality is too much for me to disclose.I am too ashamed.He has successfully put me in a position of total isolation.

I hate this injustice,I hate the anger,I hate my weakness,I hate the constant butterflies in my stomach,the panic attacks, the antidepressants,the therapy.I hate the way he has got into my head.I hate the fact that I am a victim of domestic abuse.It's all getting too much for me... .I do not know where to go or what to do to make this better.And even if I get better I will carry these scars and the pain in my heart forever.

God forgive me but if I heard now that he had died I doubt I would shed a tear.That is such an awful thought to have in my head.

BPD is an awful enemy to have... .

NB.xxxxx

Your first post.

He is Dx. He not on meds? Or Refuses to take meds? And you are the source of everything wrong in his world?

Typical. There is not much you can do. In fact, nothing really. Other than to Save Yourself.

3 L's of existence: Live, Laugh, Love.

But there are 4 when your partner is PD'd.

Live, Laugh, Love, LEAVE.


I'd lose the antidepressants. Pain. It's not a bad thing. When it's dulled due to the PD attack on the pysche? A person will put up with far more than they probably should. Keep the therapy.


Well, in that case. You won't miss me when I'm gone.   TTFN.

But, he will. Then it's the games of recycling. Eventually you will get bored to tears or driven half crazy with it. Same end result. But maybe this time you will end it once and for all.

You are not an idiot.  You have been emotionally abused throughout the course of the relationship.  Hang in there.

H2O:Thank you for your words... .my ex refused to take any medication.He was told to do so by his GP,his therapist and his psychiatrist but stated initially that there was nothing wrong with him.When he accepted that he was ill he stated that he could "cure himself" without resorting to meds and that the health service was simply looking to "palm him off" with pills.He has never accepted the BPD diagnosis and blames me for his anxiety and depression.He has cited many reasons... .he became depressed because I lost our daughter,I make him anxious,my talking to him gives him panic attacks.At one point he was convinced that I was in a conspiracy with his GP to medicate him.At other points he has stated that his therapist blames me for his issues ( "my therapist says you are manipulative",my therapist says you try and control me",my therapist says I need to find my voice with you","my therapist says you undermine me".His therapist wanted to speak to me at one point but he flatly refused.He initially was meant to have a short course of therapy but he ended up having 20 or so more sessions than initially planned.Sometimes he would say things that resulted in the therapist wanting to see him several times in one week,sometimes he would go every two weeks.

And yes... .I think,in his mind,I am the source of everything wrong in his world.And I struggle with that concept.Because I have done nothing wrong.It's just awful.

Waifed:Thank you.I am trying so hard to be strong but today is a bad day.I just feel like screaming.I feel weak.

NearlyBroken,

I feel your misery; the projections can be overwhelming.  Through therapy, I've come to realize that there is no reasoning with BPDs; we can not explain, argue, debate, or soothe our way to normalcy.  

Bizarre things and accusations were thrown at me too, to the point where he truly believed I wanted to kill him.  The twists in their heads are projected on us and we question ourselves.  The way to resolve this is time-away.

Do you have to remain in contact with him?  NC allows us to work on ourselves and 'detangle' from the abuse.  

Waifed is right, you are not an idiot; you are a compassionate human being.

Live, Love, Laugh, LEAVE (this made me chuckle, but so true!)

NB... .

I feel the pain in your post.  I have been married to uBPDh for 18 years and together for 23.  I look back and can't believe I've put up with it for so long!  Mainly did to protect kids, but still, it makes me sad to think of all of the years I have given up by staying with him.

Everything you say resonates with me.  What did we do to deserve this?  It is so much more pain that any person should have to endure in their heart.  Are you still with your pwBPD? 

My H is not diagnosed and although I gave him the Walking on Eggshells book a few years ago and he did read it, he says it does not apply to him.  He also refuses to take medication or anything to stabilize his moods.  He is in the military (part-time) and claims that he would be discharged if he were taking meds because he would not be deployable.  It's a bunch of crap because I know others who are on meds.  He just doesn't believe in medication or any kind of therapy.  He has told me that I am not to "waste" any more money on counseling because its a load of crap and all they do is take your money and talk about your "feelings".  Basically I took that comment as him trying to take away any outside influence on me that might make me think its ok to leave him.  He is the master of covertly controlling me and I allow him to do it.


I, too, have been on antidepressants for 8 years.  I hadn't thought about it in this way.  H would probably say that I am how I am BECAUSE of the antidepressants.  Maybe he's right in a weird way... .if I hadn't been taking them I would have been in so much pain that maybe I would have left him long ago?  Interesting thing to think about.  For me, however, I still have to be able to function as a mom and in my career so it's a catch 22.  I did tell my dr at my last appointment in July that I want to get off of the antidepressants and also told her I am trying to end my marriage.  She suggested that I hold off on stopping them until I have worked through this, as discontinuing them could really trigger some big problems for me if I'm also going through some highly emotional stuff during the same time.

nevaeh, I wouldn't worry what your H says to you about anything. He hasn't the capacity to hold a valid opinion.

NearlyBroken,


That is fascinating or not? I wonder what he was so afraid of. The Lundy Bancroft book also made a good point, ask the spouse of the abuser for the truth of the matter and not only the abuser. BPD , I would do same.


For the record, it is not true. You know that. I have heard the same tripe countless times. In one ear and out the other. If you or I were so horrible, why don't they leave? They don't.

This is really not your battle. It's his. Yours, is why you stay? Why you don't love yourself enough to Not allow this PD craziness to reek havoc with your core? Believe in yourself and Know Who You Are. He cannot break you. No one can. Don't allow it. We may get a wee bit mangled initially, but unlike our PD mates, we can bounce back from the forge a lot stronger. It's quite a horrible experience no doubt, but, it does have that silver lining. Trust yourself and trust Your Truth of You.

Agreed.  He thinks he does, but I know he doesn't.  Even my kids understand that and they will express that thought to me.  My D16 is amazing!  She sees everything that happens and she wants me to leave him as well.  She talks me down when I'm feeling weak and she tries to hold me accountable when H is acting crazy out of line and needs to be called on it.  I am so grateful for her... .I also find it sad and pathetic that she in some ways is parenting me.  She is also part of the reason I know I need to do this... .I owe it to her to show her that it is NOT OK to allow someone to treat you in this way and that its OK to leave when you feel that it is irreparable. 


SO, SO, SO, TRUE!  If I think about the breakup in a different way... .can it be worse than what I have endured for the past 18 years?  It might be more intense for a time, but there is no way that the pain of a divorce can be worse than the pain I have lived with for so long.  THANK YOU reminding me of this point!

I just broke down... .

In tears... .

Reading this.

I know what you are referring to... .

I know exactly... .

What you mean.

I remember in round 2 devaluation... .

The thought... .

That kept appearing in my mind... .

Was... .

"What is it in me that you hate so much... .?"

Because that is... .

What she projected... .

Out to me... .

With such force... .

That... .

I began to believe that... .

About myself.

Sadly... .

That thought... .

Is still present.

What is it in me that you hate so much... .?

I asked my exUBPDgf... .

At the end that question.

Her response... .

Silence.

No words.

No acknowledgement.

I was no longer present.

Erased.

Painted black.

It is such... .

A corrupting feeling.

It's effects... .

Linger... .

Months later.

My empathy... .

And... .

My compassion... .

My love for this person... .

Whom I tried... .

So hard... .

To understand... .

To listen to... .

In the face of emotional abuse... .

Of missiles being fired at me... .

For no justifiable cause... .

Or reason... .

That very empathy... .

Was the conduit... .

Into which... .

She was able... .

To project... .

That hate... .

For herself... .

Back onto me.

She succeeded.

I feel thoroughly tainted... .

Now.

Almost like... .

It has been... .

Interwoven... .

In me.

What a god awful... .

Sh¥tty mess... .

I allowed myself... .

To get into.

Hang in there Nearlybroken.

My Ironman suit... .

Was ripped... .

To pieces... .

In the process... .

Of loving this person.

You are not alone.

We are here for you

When I read a post like yours... .so much pain, so much hurt. The reply of Ironmanfalls (especially the bold part again) :-(  Don't really know what to say though... just...

...

hang in there!

I nearly wrote the exact same post

Hang in there x

Thank You nevaeh


Truth. Had I known what I was really in for? I'd have taken the pain up front please and thank you. Time, we don't get that back. Lots of other things as well, but that's life.

NB


He knows what he is doing, but not necessarily what drives him. Doesn't matter though, as that is his problem and not yours. Some of it is calculated. Depending on the PD and the nexus of the dysfunction. Some not. Also not relevant. Relevant is  that you do Not allow any of it to define you. Ever. 


No. It is Not You. 

The horror show of these r/s unearths not only our weaknesses, but our strengths as well. Nothing quite like having your insides ripped out your back end and your world turned upside down to force one to figure out how it all fit together in the first place. 

Oh, Ironman... . :'(

You try ever so hard to be strong not only for myself but others on this board, despite being in so much pain yourself.

Let me wrap a virtual arm around your shoulder and give you a hug... .

Thank you all for your (as always) kind and wise words.I very much appreciate you all taking the time to read and respond to my posts.You all make me feel like I am not alone in this.This forum is the only place where I feel I can be open and honest.This forum is the only place I am believed.

Ironman... .I am so sorry that my post made you cry.Yet through your tears you were offering support for me... .you are an amazing man.

I am not feeling able to post more than this today but I just wanted to say thank you to everyone on here.I dare not think of what could have happened if I had not found this cyber support.Thank you,thank you ,thank you. NB.xxxxxxxx