BPDFamily.com

Hi everyone,

I am eleven months NC with my exBPDgf of two years.  As her irrational behavior radically increased over the last six months of the relationship, I had no idea what was happening.  The more I tried to help, the more I was pushed away.  It ended badly, with a bad argument where I completely lost my temper and screamed at her over her selfishness, unappreciation, etc.  I left and was soon contacted by the local police department with a no-contact order from her.  I was completely boggled and lost.  This was the first major argument we had ever had in two years.  She was the love of my life and my best friend.  She had always said she "had emotional problems" and I was always there to support her the best I could.

I have not heard a peep from her in eleven months.  She was 30 years old and only had a couple friends when we met. red-flag  Over the two year relationship I brought her into my large group of friends, who completely accepted her.  No one has heard a word from her.  I did not know about BPD until after the breakdown of the relationship.  It was only through this wonderful site and a therapist that I began to understand what took place thru the entire relationship and short lived 'recycles'... .it was textbook.

To this day I painfully miss her and still love her deeply.  I went through a period of acceptance, but lately the ruminating thoughts and anxiety have returned in full force.  My self esteem and confidence were utterly crushed by her, but I cant stop thinking about her and why I havent heard a word from her.  I understand why, but when will this incessant pain and anguish stop?  I  know it's best to stay away for my own good, but I just want her to come back, even for the briefest of moments.  I'm beginning to think I may be insane.

My exBPDgf also called the cops.  I am pretty sure once they do something like call the cops and you are painted permanently black you will never hear from them again but, I could be wrong.  I never thought my ex would do something like that but she did.  My guess is because they are so deeply shamed that is the only thing they can think of to project the shame to you.  You basically took all her power away and she was out of control.  I think if you are still having strong ruminations after 11 months you need to communicate with your therapist that you are still having a really tough time.  You are not insane.  

A TRO is a pretty good motivator to stay NC, lol. Sounds like you're healing though, which is the most important part!

In bold.

She will only hurt you again.

If she has returned to you before... .

The short lived recycles... .

You mentioned... .

The chances of her returning... .

Are high.

A pwBPD... .

Does not permanently... .

Paint you black... .

If they have returned successfully... .

Before.

Countless accounts on here... .

Are grim proof of that.

You do not want her to return... .

To you.

The idealization... .

Is not worth... .

Your heart being shattered... .

In the aftermath.

And that... .

Is... .

What will... .

Occur if you let... .

Her back in.

I miss my exUBPDgf too.

But... .

Her return... .

Will only mean... .

That my heart... .

Would suffer... .

Another crushing... .

Abandonment.

And i cannot do that to myself anymore.

No matter how much i miss her.

Hang in there.

I'm 14 months out of 16 year relationship.

For me it feels like I have been trying to fight my way through wild dangerous seas.

At times I get dragged down by the undercurrents to the deep darks of my mind. And I'm trapped in an endless cycles of grief, anger and loneliness.

And then, somehow I break free and come back up to the surface and take long deep breaths and feel the sun shine on my face again.

Over time these moments in the sun have got longer but I still get dragged down into darkness and sadness.

Inevitably and understandably I feel most vulnerable and lost when other areas of my life aren't going well.

Exercise, avoiding alcohol, the right therapy, journaling and regular contact with family and friends can all really help to push the darkness away

But I think it's even more important to try and draw up a plan.

Clear goals and a sense of direction are the best way to break the chains and be happy again

I agree 100 % with Reforming's post. Also focus on yourself, be nice to yourself like you are your own lover.

I was still a mess at 11 months out too. Unfortunately for a lot of us it's a slow healing process. Also I noticed that around the anniversary of the break up, it's always like being dragged back in that hell a bit.

It will get better though and you will come out stronger.

Be patience with yourself.

Thank you so much for your replies.  There are spans of time when I feel like I've made such progress leaving the pain behind, but something will trigger the hurt and loneliness again.  Three steps forward... .two steps back.  I still dwell on all the happy and loving times and find it difficult to remember the rages, drama, devaluation.  I thought she was just going through a stressful time in graduate school... .but 'poof', she was gone without any warning.  It was just a month before that she sent me a video of herself emotionally proclaiming her love for me and asking me not to give up on her... .and to "promise to chase her if she ever ran" red-flag  I'm finding it difficult to see the light at the end of the tunnel.  I believe my once close circle of friends have grown weary of me not being able to set this down.  I feel so alone.

It sounds like you're doing good

I think the relapses feel harder because you have been making progress and p they catch you unawares and leave you you feeling like it will never end.

It will but grieving and letting go is not a linear process especially when you're recovering from a traumatic relationship that never had a proper ending.

Unfortunately that is classic BPD