BPDFamily.com

Disclaimer:  This is a long post, please ready it anyway! 

Hi Everyone!

This is my first post but I have been reading the forum for days now.  Many of my questions have been asked, some not.  I have gained some insight into things and validated a lot of my beliefs too.

I have 1 big question though – How do I know if my SO is less than ideal due to having BPD or if he’s just a not so great person?

I have been in a relationship with my SO for over 8 years.  It has NEVER been easy.  I will take ownership and admit that he has been combative, difficult and “different” since the day we met and there must be something in that mix that attracts me to him.  But when I look back to our friendship and then dating, we had massive arguments early on and I really always questioned if he was right for me or just right in general.

He has no friends, social group or family support.  His family just stay away from him because I suppose they are well aware of what he’s like and they’d rather not be involved.  Some of his family have pulled me aside and flat out said I deserve more and to leave him.  They’ll play nice at family gatherings (Christmas, weddings) but there’s no contact other than that.  This includes his mother, father and siblings. Any friend he has made he ends up dismissing them for some bizarre reason, or he gets offended at something that I really can’t say I understand.  The lack of trust in anyone, even ME after 8 years of being basically his life line is apparent.  Coworkers are a problem, people in public look at his the wrong way, he can't keep account on message boards because he gets into conflicts with everyone and then deletes his profile.  He is a bully online.  I am, well WAS, social, so many different friends, outgoing, independent and overall a pretty great girl to be around. 

So back to the point of this post!  I feel like I can stay here in this relationship if I can somehow believe that he is just the way he is due to his illness, and that if he was helped he would be a nice person.  About a year ago he left this relationship out of the blue, with no warning, for another woman.

To say it devastated me is a understatement.  I lost 48 pounds, went to weekly appointments with my psychologist, lost hair, nearly lost my job, it was horrible!  He ripped the rug out from under me and I was so hurt but also furious.  After everything I did for this guy, being basically the only one to ever care about his well being (that’s sad I know but really not a exaggeration) and he leaves me for someone he met at a fitness class?  Sorry but I have a lot going for me and always have, very successful from a young age and this guy is leaving ME?

I can’t go into the specifics here because there’s too many.  But he put me down, insulted me, compared me to her, said I was hopeless, criticized and mocked my family, friends, my job EVERYTHING!  Everything that for 8 years was more than okay with him suddenly wasn't “on his level”.  In our communication during this split he would always make me feel bad, say I was weak and pathetic and needed to move on and get over it – yet he’d be calling and texting me the next day, or asking me out for coffee.  He suddenly had all sorts of new plans for himself including getting a PHD, going back for another BA, moving across the world.  His vocabulary changed, his mannerisms, all of everything I’ve known him to be “into” over the past 8 years had changed… it was BIZARRE.  NPD started to come into play at this point, and it was strong.  And then I find out that his new “friend” is a doctor, professor actually from across the world who’s in the city for a while. 

Light bulb moment number 1!  Ahhh…. I get it.   I “got it” in terms of “hold on something is really off here.”  This isn’t just him leaving me.  People who leave a relationship can be mean but all this back and forth and changes pointed me to BPD or Bipolar.

Long story short I had a heart to heart with him about my beliefs around bipolar (which my psychologist helped me understand better) and he came crawling back to me in bits shortly after that.  He was sorry for hurting me, but not for what he did (what?) and he sees the similarities in his behavior, emotions, and feelings in regards to bipolar.  He started to see a psychologist once a month as it’s all he could afford.  His reason for leaving me for another woman stays the same – “she was just nice to me, I liked having someone be so nice to me.”  I apparently wasn't being nice to him!  When I reflect I think really what he saw as me not being nice to him was having enough of his behavior, fight picking, bullying and skewed views on things and speaking out.  I was never “mean” but I guess when you oppose to something coming from a BPD they take that as some sort of sign that you’re not on their team.

So here we are nearly a year later and we managed to get back on track in a lot of ways.  We went for therapy that I paid for and he wasn’t even very truthful during that.  He stopped wanting to go once the therapist rubbed him the wrong way by basically pointing out his faults.

In last month or so we’ve had big blow outs and he’s flashed back to the same exact insults towards me that he listed off when we first split.  He stated things verbatim to what he had before including I'm not on “his level” and he “deserves someone better.”  For me hearing all of that again after I accepted him back into my life and I am supporting us financially is both heart breaking and devastating.  My trust has gone back to where we were when it all started nearly a year ago.  He quickly see’s the damage he does in the blow outs and for lack of a better word “kisses ass” in attempts to make me love him again and keep this going.

So here I am questioning is this BPD or is he just really manipulative and using me?  Is he using me for a roof over his head and for support because he 100% blew all his money on his fling and now she’s no longer in the country has no one else to turn to?  He dropped me in a flash once he had her.  I went from feeling like he wanted to be with me because he loves me and wants to be together to seeing him be so nasty again.  The last fight resulted in my kicking him out for 3 days – 3 days of phone calls and texts 24/7 trying to rope me in.  He begged to come back and I flat out said I don’t really want you here but if you insist.  I think I am FINALLY reaching the point of just not caring, amazing to even type that.  I never thought I could reach a point of throwing in the towel but he has worn me out.  How many times can a person go through this before they stop caring?

How can I not feel like I am being used and that he’s really just an abusive person?  How do I find the answer to my question? 

Input is greatly appreciated.  Thanks for reading.

That sounds like a rough 8 years and where to draw the line between "his natural personality" and "BPD-influenced personality" is cloudy for sure.  I've had the same thoughts about my BPDw and even once broached the topic with her.  I don't remember the exact wording and I tried to be gentle, but the bottom line message was effectively, "Well, you *could* just simply be a jerk by nature, but I don't think that's the case.  I think something else is going on."

In my case, to determine "just a jerk" vs. "suffering BPD", I look at my wife's entire "body of work" as it were, and have concluded that she genuinely wants to be a good person, but is struggling with her demons.  She can be such an amazing wife, mother, daughter and friend.  But when triggered, she can be awful at each of those.

Take a good look at your pwBPD, particularly in times of "calm" and note what kind of person he is.

Hi confetti, welcome to the boards. It sounds like you've been having a really hard time, giving a lot and not getting a whole lot in return. It would be exhausting for anyone. So I'm glad you've found us and hope that you'll find strength and advice here on the boards.

As for is it BPD or is he just a jerk, HopefulDad says it well. Look to the calm moments. None of us can say for certain that your partner has BPD, as we are not trained psychologist nor his therapists. That being said, I think you will recognise your partner in a lot of the posts here on the boards.

While contemplating all of this, I suggest you take a look at Stop the bleeding on the right -------------->

There are a lot of helpful advice from experts in the disorder on how to minimise conflict and how to take care of yourself when in a high conflict relationship.

Have you had a chance to look at some of it?

Thank you SO much everyone for the responses.

HopefulDad - I like your suggestion of looking at his 'body of work' to decide what kind of person he really is. It's difficult to do this lately because I am so jaded or becoming fed up, but I'll try.  He used to be such a great person and even though we fought or were in conflict often, I still planned on a future with him.  Since the "episode" with another woman he has changed (naturally) in my eyes.  The amount of lies, deception and gaslighting he did is truly shameful.  He was a different person during that period, one I had never known.  This is kind of where I get the bipolar and NPD thing from.  His moods were all over the place, not sleeping, grandiose or delusional ideas, very aggressive, spending sprees... .essentially mania.  Ever since that time he has been pretty fragile.  He is broken on some level and sometime I think it's a combo of shame for what he did to me/us but also shame or fear of what is actually going on with himself.  I should mention has been prescribed mood stabilizing drugs but hasn't taken them yet.

Scarlet - I have read over all the workshops before posting.  There's a lot of amazing info and I'm trying to take mental note of some specifics in case I find myself in a tough spot with him.  But what I did realize in reading some of the parts in "stop the bleeding" is that I actually have been doing most if not all of those things already.  In fact I think that's the only reason we're here 1 year later.  I guess my question is how long should I have to use these steps and essentially always be the one in control?  Is it a forever thing when your partner has BPD?  OR does it possibly change once they see they have BPD and agree to work on it?  I am a little worn out always having to be in control and always having to not take his bait or not react to horrible things he says.  I will say though, the times when I haven't reacted and kept calm have defused him almost instantly.  But even when he does chill out, back down, or seemingly look almost sad at whats just happened it's really hard for me not to hate him a bit.  Most times he's just really put me down or said awful things and there I am just having to let it roll off my back, believe he didn't mean it? 

modafinilguy - Thanks for the reassurance!  I know I don't deserve this treatment, at all.  I still have some self esteem left and I know how great I really am.  I don't excuse his cheating on me, but instead like I listed above to HopefulDad I think it was a episode of mania, or maybe splitting from what I am just learning on this forum.  I was all bad suddenly, totally against him and not a right fit and she was everything. 

Well, yes they can get much better and be more or less cured of their BPD, if they work at it. It's a long road. Does he seem to want to change and work on his BPD? Maybe this article can clarify it some for you:

Borderline Personality Disorder Therapy - Is Your Loved One Serious? (https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a118.htm)

I wish I could reach through the screen and give you a good hug. Are you taking care of yourself, i.e. doing things you enjoy, eating good food, getting some fresh air, sleeping enough etc. What I've found is that once I started disentangling myself some from all the dysregulation and started doing activities that I enjoy, it was easier to let the dysregulation roll off my back.

And just a reminder: don't stay in the room with him if he calls you names, belittles you or rages at you. Leave, go somewhere else. Let him rage alone. Can you do that?

I haven't yet brought up my suspicions regarding BPD.  Whenever I do bring up his behaviour or emotions he brings out the victim card.  He will start saying how I just see him as a mental patient, or that he has too many problems.  Even if I reassure him I love him even if he has problems, he tens to wallow for a while and makes me feel guilty.  Often he'll try to say this problem isn't just him but I play a role.  He'll say it's a problem with our relationship, not him.  Apparently these conflicts are a result of us just not being compatible.

To that I will often try to say that maybe if you had more friends or a social circle you'd see that the way you act or things you say to people is the problem, not them.  How can he know he's so out of line if i'm the only person he has close to him, interacting each day, he has no basis for how people would react to him.  It's not just me!  I have a boat load of friends or people I speak to and none of them are like him.

I would totally take you up on a hug!  I do try to do things for myself but most of the time I get "crap" from him for going out with other people or spending time away from him.  He takes it personally and will say I am avoiding him.  It is SO difficult.

I do walk away, or leave the house and clearly state I will return when things get very heated.  He gets too aggressive and actually scares me.  The last blow out I was sure he was going to get physical with me.  Each time this happens the look in his eye gets more intense and almost desperate.  Saying that, I will do the right thing if this ever did get physic.  I know what I have to do at that point in terms of calling the police.

Thank you again for the support.

hi confettii, i can relate to many of the things you mention. it worries me a bit that his behavior is escalating and that you are worried it might get physical. i believe there are many answers in what you've already written. here are some things you said in the original post--


this is a lot. although it's hard to accept, i think that past behavior is very indicative of what is coming ahead. it's possible people can change, but it's also rare.


do you think it's fair to say that you are the only one to care about his well being? is his whole family bad horrible people who never supported him? i suppose this is possible considering BPD has a lot to do with issues from childhood, but perhaps there are some caring, sane people that don't support him any more because they've already been through what he's putting you through right now. you mention that his family has pulled you aside and told you to get out for your own good--do you think they are just bad people trying to hurt him? or perhaps they are trying to help you see him for who he is? sounds as if you have the most intimate r/s with him at this point since he has no one else, but his family has known him all his life... .perhaps their warnings should be considered.


the devaluation is cyclical. and i experienced some of the same. well, the same type of devaluing--throwing the other r/s in your face, criticizing everything about me, basically attempting to break my whole being down. about 8 months later, and after several big talks (which I'm glad i had with her), well i could see her starting to ramp up again on the devaluation. that was all i needed to see who she was and what she was about, so luckily i bailed before it got so bad again. although i'm not 100% sure i believe she had already started seeing bf #2 just before i bailed and was stringing me along as this new r/s wasn't secure yet. nice, right? 


regardless of if he has BPD, you have to come to the full acceptance of his behaviors, his intention. if he's using you and is manipulative... then he's using you and is manipulative. getting a diagnosis for BPD (i'm not sure if my ex is diagnosed) wouldn't change what he is doing, you know?

i think what worries me most is that you mention that you've tried therapy and he seems to act in just the way a person not taking responsibility would act. he seems to be blaming the therapist, you and everyone else for all of his problems. it hurts me to say this too as i also tried couples therapy with my ex. and she brought in all her issues into therapy session. i just don't see him taking enough responsibility to truly heal.



in my case i came to the conclusion that my ex would be nice to me when she needed me for something (when she was mad at whoever she was idealizing at the time), and she would treat me like crap when she had another love interest. i wasn't supporting her financially (although she did end up owing me some money, but not much). not only have you sacrificed financially and emotionally, but you mention that this r/s has isolated you from friends and family (this isn't uncommon). it makes it harder to leave when you are separated from your support group like this. i hope you can reach out and get some love and support, i know it's a terribly tough time.


i think this is the biggest question to ask yourself. the problem is that this person will say anything--and it took me a while to realize that words and promises just didn't mean anything to my ex.

perhaps the best thing to do is come up with a list of things that you need for yourself. make a list and set some boundaries and see if he can meet them.

i think Scarlet Phoenix on another thread mentioned something about boundaries that i really loved. about the boundaries not being demands on him but simply requirements for you? sorry if this is a little off, but if this person needs professional therapy work then i think this could be a good exercise that you can do for yourself... .


when i was trying to determine this, what i did was say that i was going to allow myself to be vulnerable, one more time. and that i would put everything on the table and then judge her by her reaction to me being open, fair and loving. so i wrote down all of my thoughts and kind of put together a love letter and left it for her. this resulted in a conversation where at the end of it (long story, this is the abridged!  lol) we agreed we wanted to give our r/s another try. this was about 10 months after our breakup. well 24 hours after swearing i was the love of her life, she turns around and says she still wants to be single. strung things along for weeks, so after about a month of this i knew for myself that either we were going on a date that weekend or she was just full of it. we never went on that date  :) so i had my answer. and i have to say that of course i was disappointed and hurt, but it was necessary for me to see who she truly was--disrespectful, dishonest and selfish. i mean, she was sweet some of the time, but you know overall it was the former. having this and having my "proof" gave me the strength i needed to cut her out of my life.

ultimately these are questions you have to answer for yourself, i hope my story can give you some perspective. also know that i kind of have a protective bone in my body (lots of us here do!  ) so what really worries me is that you are now afraid of him getting physically violent. that was honestly what compelled me to write. do take care confettii and let us know how things develop. and write down that list of what you need to be happy--i think the answer lies in whether he can meet those needs for you.

"I feel like I can stay here in this relationship if I can somehow believe that he is just the way he is due to his illness"

We women do try so hard to give our men the benefit of the doubt.  I sure did, and still do.  In fact, my husband is wonderful when he's not triggered.

The standard answer to your question, which is often asked here, is this:  Both sides of his personality are his.

I can only hope that some BPD sufferers choose the good side and get treatment for the bad.  Everyone has different levels of the illness. 

When you see him being "good" and generous, is it good enough?  Does it last? 

My husband can be gentle and caring, or completely awful.  If the awful part was gone and he was the good person all the time, my life would be heaven.  Instead, we're splitting up.