BPDFamily.com

So she txted me and I gave in and replied.      She wanted to know why I got her barred from cafe where we met...    I explained, and emphasized that she needs to get help.     Told her that she has a beautiful side I loved, but the crazy bhit from hell side which I cannot tolerate.   I repeated that she has beautiful side, and she needs to become what she can be.     Told her that she put me through a crazy love/hate cycle which I will never go through again.  Told her she tried to ruin my self esteem, but guess what?  She failed.

In reply she said she is truly sorry, and ashamed.   she said she has reached out for help and seeing a therapist on Monday.  She said she hopes that I can forgive her someday.         Genuine?   Honesty?   Should I have any hope?     What should I do?  What would you do? 

 

I'm in a similar situation where my BPDw is showing regret and wants to seek therapy, but I'm sure this is brought on by her fear of abandonment and I think your pwBPD is doing the same.  My CBT said that it is highly likely that if I take her back now, she will become comfortable again, not take therapy seriously and the cycle will continue.

So I've told her I think the therapy is an excellent idea and definitely in the spirit of "working on ourselves" while separated.  She asked if we could restart marriage counseling and I told her no, that I need time apart.  When she asked how long, I told her I have no idea.  When she asked if we're apart, how can we gauge each other's progress in order to reconcile, I told her I don't know right now and we'll deal with that later.  When she asked if I even want to reconcile after any treatment she has undergone, I told her I there is a chance I may not want to.

I've answered this way because (1) I'm being honest and (2) if there's any chance for her to overcome any co-dependency or fear of abandonment, she has to understand that I'm not coming back due to met conditions on her part.  She cannot think that as long as she does DBT, can supress her angry outbursts for 6 months or crosses off some other checklist item that she wins me back.  She has to want to do all of those things for herself, whether I'm there or not.

Let her get a good six months of therapy under her belt. You need to see some real effort on her part. Support her, but from a distance.