BPDFamily.com

I am very confused. Glad I am in therapy!

:)

I have been in a relationship with a BPD for over a year. During that year she has broken up with me 4xs, the most recent this past Weds.

In the past I would panic. I would call and she would get very angry. I would wait to see if I could speak with my rational ex (ha ha) and she would threaten a restraining order.

Once I let it rest and paid no attention she would come back begging. Longest break: 12 days.

This time she was calm. She came over, cried, held me and said she loved me but we were too different. She told me my friendship was "irreplaceable" via text before coming over to make the break... .

I knew it was coming from that text.

She proceeds to tell me she wants to be friends, that we were meant to be friends.

I am not buying this because of the past yet she seems so cool and calm.  She keeps repeating she hopes I find "peace". I think she is chanting this to reaffirm to herself.

My birthday is Saturday and she wants to take me. She keeps saying without my prodding, "Under no circumstances are we getting back together. If that is your plan, to re-hash our relationship, make other ones".

I am very confused.  My birthday is Saturday (next). I am thinking of not contacting her until she does me. What do you think posters? Is this really over? I don't want to be her fall back bestie, that's for sure.

Thoughts?

Hi Earth angel, it sure sounds confusing. How are you doing?

I don't know if she really means it this time. What is certain is that someone with BPD often recycles relationships. If she has BPD and is not in therapy or doesn't have any insight into the disorder, she probably will continue to break up and make up with her partner and also quickly move on to a new one. So who knows... .I think it's important that you know what you want


How about letting that guide you for whether you should contact her or not.

I agree with Scarlet Phoenix. See if she contacts you then determine if you want to proceed. Four breakups in one year? Threatened restraining order?

Earth Angel ,

I’ve been doing this for 2.5 years and ‘broken up’ and recycled 6 times (longest break 3 months).  What I’ve found is you never quite get back to ‘where you were.’  Because, ‘where you were’ was fake, and to her, unsustainable.  It obviously takes more than they’ve got to keep the elution they used to hook us alive…  It drains them, and may even bore them.  You’ve enough posts to have read in more depth than what I might add …but mine (with an identical MO - if not words) was setting the stage for a gradual withdrawal.  For us it’s never been near the happiness, intensity, or included the positive plans and desires as it had in the beginning.  Why?  Because she was giving-her-all to create a fantasy land that, at the moment, included and enticed me.  And because it wasn’t coming from her heart, only mirroring my thoughts and desires, it was an unsustainable act.

My question to you is, how much more of this do you want?

 

For me, like most I’ve read around here, it Really Hurts in the beginning.  After you learn some personal coping and survival skills, it hurts less … until, after enough recycles, there’s far less pain because there’s so little left to lose.  I sometimes considered myself weak when compared to those around here strong enough to call it quits early on – and stick to it.  I thought, OK, I’ll follow my heart (like a dip___) … and did.  We’d get back together, once after she’d insisted we take six sessions of ‘couples counseling’…  :)uring that, I (with no help from the counselor) discovered the BPD, but the sessions didn’t help our relationship.  

Each time we’d reconnect, if literally, I felt I’d taken a few steps back from her, and remained there.  I’d even described that to her; each of us standing a bit further back as not to offend or trigger the other …until we were at a distance we could no longer reach the other.  The last ‘break,’ 3 weeks ago today – we were so far apart (for me) there’s been less pain than ever.  I’m focusing on moving in other directions and it’s given me a clearer view than I ever had with her.  …though obviously I’ve enough sadness that I’m ‘reading around here’

So, I’d say you can reconnect if you’re willing to jump through some hoops or wait her out.  Or, you can cut your losses now, and taking all you’ve got inside (which would require more than I had), escape her physical and psychological grasps sooner than later... . Either decision leads to the same place.