BPDFamily.com

That term kind of bugs me. I know society portrays mothers as long suffering, thanklessly serving and all... .(and there is a lot of truth to that!), but... .

My X went out of town on a 3 hour drive to see a friend... .to do her hair ( a BPD trait... .changing something about her outside to reflect what is going on inside). She said she was going to come back late today, but last night was telling S3 that she might not be back until Sunday. I take the kids to church, so the might not see her until tomorrow afternoon. I guess they need to get used to this, and so do I.

She is escaping. It's not like I am mean to her, or there is overt conflict. She mixed her laundry with the kids', and asked if I had a problem doing hers too. I guess having her not pay "rent" to me for the last 4 months and most of the food, utilities, etc... .isn't enough. Last week, I had taken her laundry out from theirs. This triggered something with her, but it wasn't too bad. I will not miss the verbal abuse. Maybe I had it coming for that, but I'm tired of being the Caretaker for a Betrayer for whom I am still the Provider.

Her goal was to leave at 0630. She actually made it out before 730. Stomped around the house. This is typical. Making herself late... .I used to almost always do the work of getting the kids ready, we'd be late because of her, and I'd get at the very least anxiety projected onto me. Sometimes the raging because we were late. But it was never because of me. I'm an on time/get there early (to avoid this!) kind of guy.

I drank some brews last night in the backyard. 7, not too bad (240 lb guy, this isn't an exorbitant amount spaced over 5 hours). Texted friends for support. IMd her brother as well (he's away at university). Showered later, slept in now my room. I had the door closed and the windows closed. She came in to "her" bathroom, threw out the F-bomb about how it smelled (oozing from my pores, yes)... .smells always triggered her. The alcohol due to her father. Strong food smells due to her mother always cooking, I witnessed not a small number of rages even at her mom's house due to the smell of food, like when her mom was frying things. Open the effing window or something, she said to me.

She wasn't raging badly, but kind of letting the door slam awoke D1. I just got up, fixed her a bottle. X said thanks and ran out of the house. Forget her grab bag of snacks. Foolish woman. Control your emotions and you won't forget things. At least she can rage in the car and I won't have to see it.

Doing multiple loads of laundry. Taking care of the kids (they are so cute! I'd eat them up, I love them so). Reset the password for the account on the computer I originally set up for her. She forgot it and we're just using the admin account. She isn't savvy enough to figure it out. I will erase the browser history here all the same. Never in a million years would she figure out the password, but if she wanted, she could reset it and log in. But she won't figure that out. I need to log on at home because I spend too much time at work here. Been obsessed with it. I get a lot of leeway at work (bosses know what is going on, the bigger boss is a friend whom I've known for 20 years), but that isn't going to last.

That's it. Not much drama, sorry for the boring post. I'll take the kids out later for some activity. Boring sitting at home.

Now back to our regularly scheduled mutual support and group therapy :^)

Turkish

I really love your approach to all this!  |iiii

Espacially how you are enjoying your kids. And your humor.

Keep going like this!

I like it... .though no drama sounds less like boring and more like peace to me.

One day at a time... . 

Turkish, you sound like an amazing person and father. Your children are saved from a life of chaos because of YOU. In a perfect world our kids would have two loving, healthy, stable parents living in the home (I too am a single mom)... .and I /we have enough love for our babies to do it alone. 

You, my friend, are your kid's hero. 

Thanks ULL... .

I took them to the zoo earlier. Halfway through, I started getting really depressed. Especially seeing all of the other families. I looked at a few mothers by themselves with their kids, but they had rings. So they had a husband somewhere. A significant other to bind them.

I had nothing. I had to go. Then I remembered if my X were there... .it might have been pleasant, but it also might have been like it was most times, me walking on eggshells to not trigger something over... .whatever. Sometimes we couldn't even go to the mall without some drama, sometimes major drama. Like when she triggered herself this morning, when she had only herself to blame for leaving half and hour later than she had planned (last night I even offered to get her up).

So I was depressed because my idealization of a family was now broken. I will live alternating weekends (probably more than that for a while) as a Single Dad. It might have also been for the fact that I hadn't eaten all day except for morning coffee. I've since come home and made food, fed myself and the kids. Still taking on the X's borderline eating disorder, no pun intended. Even though I've lost almost 25 lbs in three months, it's over 10 lbs less than when the X met me. But she was always going on about how I was overweight. I am 6'2" and pretty muscular, actually, but yeah, I have some extra weight. She didn't even comment about my lost weight until her mother commented about it to her and she told me. So wrapped up in herself... .

She is the only one who's ever accused me of being "fat" (because she thinks she is, NOT true at all... .she's obsessed with losing all of about 5 lbs off her stomach. She's thinner than when we met, despite two kids).

She's the only one who's ever accused me of being a "bad communicator", the only person in my life to ever say that.

She's the only one who's ever accused me of "failing" at certain things, not understanding women, the only person or woman in my life ever to say that. When many women have said the exact opposite.

Now I feel better writing those last lines.

Still, I feel compelled to go clean the house in case she comes home tonight. 6 months ago, she had gone out of town for a two day and overnight trip to the large city. Spent the previous night out partying with her hedonistic friends (this was before the affair). Came home and I was tired and hadn't cleaned the house. I did do laundry and took care of the kids. She came home, not really mad, cleaned and then posted on FB about how she didn't feel guilty about partying since she had to come home and do chores (dissociated from the fact that she was out partying while I took care of her children).

No, I will not miss her.

Turkish, your posts are never boring.  Your insight and your ability to analyze your situation from all angles are great examples for the rest of us to follow.

Turkish

Sounds like a fun day... .miss my kids being little. I did most things on my own with the kids ehen they were little... he didn't have much patience for them... still doesn't.

You think your SO is unobservent. .my h didn't notice I lost 50lbs till other people started pointing it out! Didn't notice when I dyed my hair red... .so along with not hearing my... he also doesn't see me.

Hope the rest of your alone time goes well :)

 She just texted me thanking for four taking care of the kids.  now I feel like an ahole for writing all of this.

Turkish, if they were completely awful people all of the time, detaching and trying to come to terms with a failed relationship would be a lot easier, right?  Your feelings are valid--don't be too hard on yourself.

Yes, perhaps. And it would help me take a look more at myself--- as in my contributions to a failed "normal" relationship, even though logically I now know what has been, and what is going on fundamentally.


Thanks for reminding me of this. She'll happy when she gets home. But it won't last... .especially based on my now detachment. Living the Lie, one day at a time... .until she is gone.