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Hello everyone,

Has anyone suffered from a low sex drive  after their relationship? I associate sex with my borderline ex so I don't want to even think about sex since it gives me nothing but negative feelings such as depression and shame. The shame is a two way street. I have shame for the way she made me feel and for how long I stayed. I also feel shame that I am still thinking about her while she is out having sex with other men. I guess the latter brings me the most shame. I'm wasting time and energy missing someone who has no consideration for me.

I stopped looking at women, I have a low sex drive. And since I suffer from OCD, I even began to obsessively question my own sexual orientation now. I love women, and I want a meaningful relationship with them but I feel like that would never happen.  I have so many friends who go on mini vacations with their girlfriends to Paris, London, the Caribbean, etc. I feel like I would never have that opportunity.  This has taken such a toll on me that I'm even questioning my most basic primal needs and I ask myself, am I Gay? My OCD starts running amok saying yes yes yes yes yes yes. I wish I could make is all go away.  I wish she never had BPD. I wish could find. Beautiful girl whom I can establish something meaningful.

If there is anyone on here who has/is going through the same, I'd be more than grateful.

I couldn't watch porn for almost a year.

And when I watch now, I think "These women are just as f--ked up as my ex." 

I am likely a misogynist at the moment.  Every time I sense manipulation in a woman, an alarm goes off in my head.  No matter how cute/harmless it seems,  I am triggered, because that's how my ex started out.

I have a huge wall up that keeps women away.  I am in the same kind of work environment I was in when I met my ex, talking to many pretty women throughout my day, but all I can think of is ":)anger! Stay away!"

In time, these feelings will probably pass, and I will feel like "me" again.  Maybe my BPD/manipulation/gaslight/etc radar will get calibrated to a normal level.

Women flirt with me, women are clearly interested in me, but I consciously keep them all away. 

I have not had sex since with uBPDex over a year ago, I have not gone a date, etc.  This time is for me.  I'd rather masturbate to a video of a crazy girl or a fantasy than to get hooked up with one in real life.  For right now, it's just not worth it to me.  I just don't have any energy left to jump in and try again.  My ex... .I put all my energy into her and a lot of it is still there.

I am a very sexual person.  It's very important to me.  You can call me sappy, but I've never been able to have casual sex and enjoy it.  I've always wanted it to be with someone I trust and know.  And I just can't find a woman I trust and know because I am not open to it.

While, I don't suspect I'm gay as you mentioned of yourself, I have given up on women with no definite timeline.  Being alone, being safe, being secure with myself are more important now.   There was a time (not long ago at all) when I was feeling really crappy about not having that physical and emotional connection, but I toughed it out.  When women flirt with me or indicate interest, I keep them at arm's length.  I am flattered and I flirt back and remain friendly, but nothing goes further even if they want it to.

Struggli,

Your post is as if I were to type that myself.

I am currently speaking to a woman who I have a great time with hanging out but uhm... .for a lack of a better word, she has been around the block more than a few times. Since I have OCD I don't want to have any fear of catching anything. So whenever she wants to engage in something more than kissing or anything I stray from that. I've had many casual sex partners and to me, that just feel empty. I don't want that.  I want a woman whom I can get an endorphin high just smelling her, hearing her soft voice, touching her soft skin. Someone whom I have a higher connection with.

Being alone, being safe, being secure with myself are more important now.   There was a time (not long ago at all) when I was feeling really crappy about not having that physical and emotional connection, but I toughed it out.  When women flirt with me or indicate interest, I keep them at arm's length.  I am flattered and I flirt back and remain friendly, but nothing goes further even if they want it to.



While I know for a fact that I am heterosexual, my OCD is a demon. I do the same thing you mentioned. I keep them away. I don't want to feel inadequate, I don't want to  have the same rejection, that pain I felt. No way I don't want that.

Yes, one has to recuperate.  We all have different timelines, but I know I still am not close.

I brought up this subject with my T not long ago.  Though I still take care of myself it feels more like a habit than anything else.  And when I see attractive women out there I just don't get that sexual excitement.  I had told my T that I was worried that my libido was gone and worried it would not come back.  She told me not to worry that eventually when I meet the right girl i will get it back.  So to sum it up I have been on 4 dates with this really cute girl.  Even though I find her very attractive I have not had that uncontrollable pressure in my pants so to say and was really worried about it.  Then on the last date after dinner at her house I got a great hug and kiss goodnight, no full on make out session just a nice close hug and kissing.  As I turned to walk out the door I had not even realized it but it was back  :)

Take care of yourself, let go of the fear, and take some time to get to know someone.  BPD should only destroy those who have it, not us.

My sentiments EXACTLY! I still cannot stomach porn. All I see is lost souls. But I do have a steady and wonderful relationship with a "woman" (as opposed to a disorder) who I love... .and whom loves me. *) When I think of her... .the Beatles "In my life" and "Hey Jude" comes to mind. Take a sad song and make it better... .oh my!

Mine was pretty low in the months following my 2 year relationship and subsequent discard by my BPDexbf.  I tried to date someone and it all felt forced, I told everyone I thought I had become asexual many many times.  I had no sex drive at all.


Then I met my current boyfriend and Im happy to say my sex drive is back and just as strong as it was  before.  It ooh me awhile to get here.  This seems common.  We need time to not only break the emotional bonds but also those sexual/physical bonds as well.  When you are intimate with someone your brain creates emotional bonds and associates the touch/smell of that person with memories.  Physical becomes entangled with emotional.  So yes, it takes sometime.  this may be some of the reason it is so hard for us none in the wake of our failed BPD relationships, because many of them were based on the sexual connection and bonds.  What you experience is the crash of this high.  the withdrawal.

Give yourself time, it'll come back

My borderline ex was a victim of sexual abuse so I couldn't stand to watch porn. Id often think these women are just or worse mentally than my ex, and That's just one of the saddest things in this life.

Anyway, I agree with olieolieoxenfree, without a doubt.

I've had many casual one night stands and sexual flings throughout my teenage/early twenties. Now? After my BPDex? I crave for something more. Consequently, my BPDex was a woman whom I actually became intimate with. Sex just wasn't sex with her, and the bond I had with her was beyond anything else I had. We became so close that, at one point, she because so physically ill, I actually had to wipe her behind since we were stuck in a huge snow storm. How could one easily break free from those emotional shackles?

The reason I said I question my sexuality is because I don't think it's normal for a straight person to run away from any sexual thought. To run away from potential partners. Instead of feeling happy about being in a new relationship, I panic and feel anxiety. It has never happened before. What could you wonderful people tell me about this? Is this normal?

I went through this with my ex. The relationship lasted two years with lots of breakups on my part. Yet, we always seemed to get back together. She knew what buttons to push. My weakness was compassion and guilt. I would get some awful letters from her that would just cut me to pieces.  In the end I would give in. My situation is probably much different than yours. I was 18 and she was 34 years old. In the beginning I thought the relationship was about friendship, but it quickly turned into nothing but nonstop sex. She got something from the sex and it was more than an a orgasm. She was in a different world when she was having sex. She wanted to be in that place as much as possible. Our dates consisted of sex before dinner and after dinner. Then it became nothing more than meet here or there for a quickie. It didn't matter if it was in a hotel room or in a public place. If we got together we were having some type of sex. The stories I could tell you would make you blush. It was completely out of control and not normal. I tried to tell my therapist about this and he seems to be lost. All I can say sex meant something very powerful to her. I don't think it was because she was attracted to me. Although, the age difference could of added an element to it, but I don't know. She used say to me all the time "people want what they can't have". I'm not sure what the meant as far as me, but she had a very hard time dealing with rejection when I finally left her.

Anyway, it did affect me. I looked at myself as nothing more as a toy to this woman and I really wanted to find someone who had much better qualities than being "hot" and wanting to have sex. I slowed down a lot after I broke things off with her. I wasn't really jealous if she was having sex with other guys. I guess because it became so apparent that sex was much more important in her world. I wanted a real relationship not some type of sexual fantasy. So the thought of her having sex with different people didn't bother me in the least bit. She used to send me letters describing her having sex with other guys and all I did was roll my eyes. I could care less and quite frankly hoped she would latch onto someone so she would leave me alone.

My situation was pretty messed up. I welcomed the period when things slowed down. I was 20 when I broke it off from her. I'd say I went about a year without having any sex at all. I just needed a break and I knew being 20 it would be very easy to find someone, but that break was more important at that point in my life. Just give it time. I never once questioned my sexuality. I was just worn out physically and mentally after two years with this woman.

I have zero, don't watch porn, nothing. All of it makes me ill. My ex even had the audacity to ask me whether I'd been watching a lot of porn lately during our last conversation (after minutes before telling me he's never talking to me again). I told him I'm asexual now... .might be true. I'm okay with it... . 

Don't feel that way, I've been where you are. Unfortunate to say, after my b/u I had my own rebound with someone who was into me for a while. We'd had sex before and it was good, but after my b/u I was actually repulsed by my rebound similar to the way my uBPDexgf seemed to be repulsed by me. It appears that it's all mental and we will eventually get through it. My sex drive is much higher now and, after 3 months NC, it will only get better.

I have the sex drive, but I don't have the emotional drive. The thought of falling in love with someone else breaks my heart because that person is not my uBPDexbf. I still can't let go of him in my mind.

Although my heart is still bruised and I miss my ex as a partner, somehow I am able to put that aside and have sex  or masturbate. I have had sex twice with a friend with benefits and it has been an overall pleasant experience. Especially the second time. I was more relaxed, thought about exBPD guy less, and I appreciated how attentive my FWB was with my sexual needs.

When the devaluation stage started in my BPD r/s, my ex did a job on me mentally when it came to sex because he wouldn't please me the way I wanted and then he stopped initiating sex with me, or if he did, he was drunk. Me having to initiate sex more often really messed me up. And, do you know how awful it is for him to have told me he wants to touch another woman's fake boobs while I have natural 36DDs and he ignored them? Or when I would try to make eye contact during sex and his eyes are shut tight so he didn't have to look at me? He also stopped ejaculating. He just shut off emotionally and physically and that hurt me deeply. I'm still trying to get past that and my FWB is helping.

Sex, what is this crazy thing that you speak of.  It is only a distant memory for me.  I will have to re educate myself about this subject!  lol

over the yrs i've had all kinds of sexual partners, all levels of commitment, but i never want casual sex again. 

i had a higher connection, like you describe, with my xBPDgf.  now, after her, i feel empty, almost asexual.  and i haven't seen her or talked to her for 8 months!

and the times when i do masturbate, i cry afterwards... .sometimes during!    i cannot tell you how much this sucks, how awful it is.

In bold.

That happens to me too.

I can certainly relate.

I never experienced that problem... .

Before my exUBPDgf.

Give yourself some time. Your ex didn't invent sex. Don't give her that much ownership of you.

ironman, i am sorry that you're experiencing this, too.  but i must say it gives me comfort to know i'm not the only one.  i don't believe it's just depression ~ had that before, nothing like this.  searched online but didn't see anybody else relating quite this situation.  have wondered if i was going mad. 

(well, what did come up in search is something i have experienced before, but those were happy tears after an especially joyful or deep connection sexually with a person.  that has happened several times but that's woah so not what's going on now.)

sorry if i wasn't clear but, yeah, this never happened to me before the break up w/xBPDgf, either (oh, and "i" broke up w/her, btw! it's not even like i was dumped, but it feels that way sometimes).  i've been in love before, infatuated before, had crushes before, had break ups before, had my heart broke before ~ NEVER had this.  it's like, unreal.

general question:  has anybody else experienced this and gotten over it?

again, my sympathies ironman.  i know how devastating all this can feel.

Maybe you should make yourself get back into a sex life. I think it's part of the work that has to be done in the healing. I have been broken up with BPDex for five months, NC four months, and have had sex three times with two different men (both were guys I fooled around with before my ex; they were acquaintances). Now, I did not plan to have sex so soon after the b/u, the opportunity arose and I wanted to be held and touched.

The first time hurt my heart, but I kind of enjoyed it. 

The second time hurt my heart, but I kind of enjoyed it.

The third time hurt my heart a little less and I kind of enjoyed it a little more. 

hi peas, thanx for sharing and i'm glad that strategy worked for you but honestly the thought of being with anybody else makes me feel nauseaus and knots up my stomach.  i just couldn't do it. 

I feel you people... .i had some offers but can't get her of my mind right now, usually I would think of her , but now It only makes me mad,angry,and sad. This even when I " test" myself ( alone ) but she all know we'll get through this don't we ?... .don't we  ?

i used to think of her too, when i was "testing myself alone" as you say (cute!) but then one day there was just saddness and tears.  so i stopped thinking of her, but the saddness and tears were still there.  no matter who or what i think of, there is always still the sadness and tears afterwards.  it's like she ruined me for anybody else, even myself!  it's demoralizing.  i just try not to do it at all anymore.

and to answer your question (don't we don't we?), i dunno, i vascillate... .i just hope and pray that i will get through this, it will get better, and someday i'll be an even better version of myself... .

this process, i kinda liken it to forging steel:  from out of the fire comes something better than what went in... .a superior product... .stronger than ever.

marinro, i feel for you too.  how long was your r/s and how long have you been NC?

Hi-

Zero sex drive here.  

When my husband and I were together and happy, I wanted to make love every day.

Now?

The thought of it makes me want to burst into tears. At this point I can't imagine ever letting someone that close to me again. I've never been into casual sex, it never turned me on.

I'm also on antidepressants, and my doctor said that could be a side effect.

I do think it will come back some day, when I can trust another man again. It's only been six months, and I've still got a lot of healing to do. My therapist says "give it a year". I think she's probably right. Emotionally I couldn't deal with any type of rejection right now, I'm still too mad at myself for letting a disordered person into my life and into my head.

Blessings.

love4

My uBPDexgf is beautiful, perfect in my mind.  I'm messed up because girls who aren't perfect don't excite me.  I've even been lucky enough to find another "perfect ten" according to my friends, and I can't enjoy sex because I just feel like she's waiting to crush my soul.  I know... .There are worse things to complain about than being with hot girls, but only on this board do people understand what I'm saying.  My friends just don't get it.

Hey all,

Thank you for the responses! I'm glad I'm not the only one he who has had a low sex drive, well non existent  .

It's rough to have someone whom we perceive to be so beautiful yet so empty and dark on the inside. The only thing I can compare that to is the banal rose cliche.

Beautiful but has many thorns.

I have some sort of optimism from reading here. Hopefully things do get better!

been with her for 4 years but its been on and off, long story,at first she was just a friend... .anyway been 4 months n/c

It's hard to have a sex drive when someone is always calling you names and cheating on you.  It's like yeah," do me" after calling me a f'n as@"ole.

I know I am being blunt but it's true, isn't it?

It's funny how a BPD craves attention and bonding but pushes it away with their actions.  I lost the desire sexually for my BPD mid relationship and yeah now I could care less.

I think it takes time. It takes time to get over the hurt, pain and regain trust.  For me, sex is so intimate and I need to trust that person.  Someday I will. It's regaining that trust that will get you there. I strongly believe that. 

awe, banal yes but oh so true.

but hey, i had a funny image flash in my head after seeing the thorny rose vision you invoked, venus fly trap!

yes a venus fly trap is another great analogy.

It's both nice and heartbreaking to see so many other people feeling wha I am feeling.   

If anyone is reading this... .Any thing you're doing that is helping you recover?

It took me TWO YEARS to be remotely interested in sex/a romantic relationship again. Two years is a long time, but it is what it is... . 

You know what, though? Once you are healed, you can start making up for lost time,  lol

When you are ready all things do get better... .A LOT better!

I have the drive, but get depressed when it comes to acting on it. Been out with a few gals, didn't sleep with any but my exwife and that didn't go well. I can't say I have no sex drive, but I can say I am not back to normal ... probably traumatized by all the berating and abusive treatment from my pwBPD. She was scary/intense and has made me question just about everything I thought was true... .and after the r/s, I have felt depression and lack of motivation, doubted my self on things I shouldn't. Had a job interview for a great job (type of interview I have had dozens of times before, and had never failed)... and for first time I didn't ace it, though I know what I am doing... I didn't sound confident enough and they picked someone else.

My take on the BPD r/s is that they start out mirroring/blowing smoke and giving what seems like unconditional love... and to someone that didn't have a secure connection with their mother... that can be overwhelmingly attractive, you think you found the perfect person, put them on a pedestal, and give them a place in your heart where a GOOD parent belongs. Then when they do a 180, paint you black and become abusive... .you take it and take everything they say to heart, and try to please them... .which is impossible as they are disordered. If they dump you its not normal, its like losing a parent, with the deep/long depression and slow incomplete recovery. I dated my pwBPD almost 30 yrs ago, she dumped me after 18 mos (devastated me... .was suicidal for a while)... .then slowly got back to functioning. About 5 yrs ago she contacted me, we got back together, and the real hell happened. I divorced, lost my job, most my stuff, and recycled with her 7-8 times before calling it quits. Once again it was like losing a parent. This time I understand that it was my own childhood issues that made it so intense and painful, and that the r/s is impossible... .she is toxic to me.

Have heard that losing a parent often kills sex drive and depresses a person a long time. We don't think of the pwBPD as a parent, we just relate to them (think transference) like one. But having had wild sex, lots of passion and emotions involved in the BPD r/s... .being with a normal person without that bizarre electric intensity... .leaves a void... and mixed in is a bit of depression... .for me at least.

The relationship/ break-up with my ex had a deep, profound effect on my psyche and emotions.  I've been told I am a good looking guy, and I've had many girlfriends.  I've been married once.  The first woman I dated after my exuBPDgf I noticed I had a difficult time staying sexually aroused 'so to speak' while with her.  We had sex maybe three times, and after the last time I knew she was not right for me.  I had an almost identical experience with a woman I recently dated after her.  I experienced some of the same questions as Tryingnottoslip. 

I recently went to the doctor and had my testosterone level checked.  I am 44 years old, and I wondered if it was low.  It was normal, in fact, I'm in pretty good shape!  I fairly well knew in my gut that it was likely psychological, but it really bothered me.  This last woman I was with was quite attractive.  By the way, I did not date for a year after my b/u with exuBPDgf.  And now, I feel like I'm still not ready to date.   

I think it would be very difficult for me to just have casual sex with a partner now.  The thought of objectifying a partner feels wrong to me, and I don't want to go there.  A therapist once wrote OCD on my paper, and I know I have some traits, but I don't have OCPD. 

But I started to question my sexuality after having such trouble with these women, so I understand what was shared.  I am not gay, and I've never been sexually attracted to men.  I've always been very attracted to women, even as a young boy.  It was just my mind trying to make sense of something that I had not had trouble with before.  I see sex differently now.  Something inside of me shifted after the break-up with exuBPDgf, and I'm still not resolved with it.  I think I will have to have a genuine emotional connection with whoever I end up with to have a successful sexual relationship.  And getting that close to someone right is still very scary to me.  My defenses are still way up due to the horribleness of the BPD experience.  Was my sex drive affected?  Yes.  Am I beyond repair?  I don't think so.

I agree with Peas, in that the first sexual experience I had post breakup with my BPDexbf left your heart hurting.  In fact I couldn't do it again with that person and promptly called it quits.  I wasn't ready.   Several months later i met my boyfriend now though and things are finally back to normal where there is no comparison.   Thankfully this is one of those things where practice helps healing.  Time and lots of practice definitely helps haha. 

Its crazy to me how we can forge these bonds with such toxic people and let it make such an impact on our sex lives afterwards.

I guess when its the only good thing you've got going in a relationship you tend to cling to it (I feel like in my case that applies) 

The sex combined with intense closeness and a hope for a a bright future... .was the only time in my life I was 100% optimistic in my outlook. From that high confident place the fall was devastating. The sex during the r/s the second go round went from great to bad... .as I noticed she wasn't an equal partner enjoying an expression of love... .but rather was a needy emotional con man watching to see if I bought her story. In my 20's I wouldn't have cared... at 50 it creeped me out and made me avoid sex with her. The last 6 months was all arguing with no sex... and it helped me see the situation more clearly. Afterwards... I am still not right.

Feel like something important broke inside me when I lost her many years ago... and the second go round... was like getting a break booster shot... it reset much of the progress I had made in all those years. I feel more genuine in many ways... .I can't stand to delude myself about anything... but my expectations for a relationship were set based on one with a disordered person... and my mind/reason says real love isn't like that electricity I felt... however my emotions are down when trying to deal with someone I don't have that electric reaction with. The reaction seems to be 100% based on disordered women... .she is not only one I have had a reaction with, but others were one night stands or we never connected, or in one case the  red-flag  were so great I never emotionally was invested in the relationship.

I don't have an answer... the question is good... and I don't feel like I am normal after the BPD breakup... .hope I will be someday... but fix is probably to lower my expectations... .experience living in the moment, being genuine and grabbing whatever tiny modicum of gusto happens with a non-disordered woman I have genuine love for.   

I felt exactly the same way.  I had never felt that 'positive' about a relationship with a woman before.  I don't ever remember feeling that alive, except maybe when I was a child.


I relate to this as well.  Something shifted in a bad way in our sexual relationship.  I won't get too graphic here, but it was very noticeable.  I started to feel uncomfortable.  It was awful, really.  The whole, dam@ thing ended up awful. 

I do still have some hope, however.  I don't know what the future looks like, but I am ok with her not being in it.  That would destroy me.  I really believe that.  Something out there is going to be better for me if I keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep an open mind and heart.  Peace to all of you.

She gave to me exactly what I desired. I gave to her exactly what I believe she deserved. Our needs were never intended to coincide. That's a given with BPD. The overlap is where it becomes interesting. I don't expect to find that with another. That's ok. You shape your mind to be present in the moment. Each person you meet is unique. Neither less, nor more--a being. It's about trust.         

i feel compelled to chime in ~ i felt exactly the same way too.  i felt positive, confident, happy, invincible, able to take on the world, optimistic, etc in a way that i ever remember feeling before.  it was AMAZING!  better than anything i'd ever ever felt b4, be it from a person/drug/religion/runners high/meditation/etc.

they say ALL addiction (whether it's sex/heroin/gambling/etc) all affects the SAME part of the brain.  so, if what i felt for my xBPDgf was just an 'addiction' why was it so superior to any other addiction and/or addictive substance/activity?

now, i keep reading that the pwBPD was mirroring us, so in effect we fell in love with ourselves.  (i find that a bit hard to believe... .or grok).   

also keep reading that when we dissect our BPD r/s we'll learn, grow, evolve and then be able to give ourselves that same happiness/positivity/confidence, etc.  i also find THAT hard to believe!  i don't see how that's even remotely possible.  but i'll keep trudging along, hoping... .[/quote]

chiming in again.  for me, it went from off the charts, to great, to good.  but the last time she initiated it felt pressed/pushed/remote... .  i dunno... .just didn't feel the same.  the magic was gone.  i knew right then, during, that it was over.  it was all i could do to not cry.  neither of us ever initiated again.[/quote]

#3 chime:  i felt it would destroy me too ~ that's why i left.  but leaving didn't give me the relief i thought it would!   things are getting better but sometimes it's still bad and sometimes it's really bad.  i miss her.  i miss what i thought we had.  i miss what we could have had, but she just would not/could not step up to the plate.  WOW i wasted 3 yrs of my life with her and now almost another yr without her b/c i just can't get over her.

I can relate to this topic.  My uBPDH/NPD husband made sex such a chore and demand I obliged but that was about all.  His refusal to get fixed after our children were born was probably the most disrespectful thing that has ever been done to me.  I could not go on BC due to medical reasons and ended up having an abortion that tore the fabric of my being off my soul.  No sex was not enjoyable or thrilling to me but more a constant worry. He had no empathy for the position he was putting me in and constantly belittled me about our sex life or lack of... .He would also use sex as the ice breaker after a blow up and reason for a blow up.  I could never win! 

That said he was overly preoccupied by sex and watched way too much porn.  Then expected me to act the way the girls in the porn movies did and want sex that was... ., lets put it this way, rough, aggressive and deviant. 

After being told how horrible I am in bed, that I am frigid, fat (size 6) and a ice princess for years really makes for great self esteem in the sack.   

jesus my heart started racing reading all these posts.      for you all.

The only thing I can say is that... .I see a beautiful woman, my mind quickly says NOPE! NOT EVEN IN YOUR WILDEST DREAMS! I can't even IMAGINE trying to have sex with another woman. For 2 reasons

1. My BPDex really took a toll on my already crippled self-esteem

2. I'm obviously still hung up about her because I've never felt a more intense connection with someone via sex.

Having OCD and breaking up with absolutely NO CLOSURE ugh this ambiguity is truly horrendous.

As much as this is a difficult subject to deal with. I wonder has anyone thought about the big picture of moving on? I know every r/s is different and every wound needs time to heal. Yet, there comes a time when you need to say to yourself enough of the torture and its time to start living again. Do you want your ex to hold you hostage for the rest of your life?

There's going to be a time in your life (probably much later) when you look back at yourself and wonder why you beat yourself up so bad? Why you gave away the best years of your life? Everyone deserves to be happy. Realize your worth. There are good people out there, but penalizing yourself because of the hurt from your ex is holding you back. Don't fall into the trap where you just give away years of your life.

I'm probably much older than most on here.  When I look back at my life and realize the opportunities that I had and realize I just wasted them away because of depression. It makes me shake my head. Father time has a way of catching up. Don't make the mistake of shutting everyone or new opportunities out of your life. It doesn't mean you have to have sex. Your still allowed to explore? When you find that right person again your trauma from the ex will melt away to a distant memory. I know it might be hard for some, but keep the big picture in you mind as you go forward in life.

Juno has a point.

I felt like my life was shattered in my mid twenties when I was dumped by my exBPDgf... and that "the one" got away. I pined for her for years. Then 27 yrs later I got her back... .and it was the worse thing that could have happened... I got a divorce, hurt my family, lost a few great jobs... and felt like I had a ride through a meat grinder. Looking back... .the best thing that happened long ago was getting dumped... but I didn't have the perspective to appreciate it. If I could do it all over... .I would have ran other way instead of meeting her.

juno thank you very much for that reminder.

I agree with you 100%. I will cherish the day when I am able to look back and say... .WOW for her? you suffered for that worthless girl whatever her name was"

Juno, all of the above.

Thank you for that. I think I have reached a tipping point that is shedding the breakup baggage and moving toward acceptance and a bigger picture perspective. Something clicked last week, practically overnight, where I was like, I'm done with this misery. I'm done putting so much energy into a fantasy of what I thought I lost. I was stuck for the past five months since the breakup, the whole time rejecting the good things in front of me while I chose to wallow in the loss of my uBPDbf.

Then something just nudged me into reality. Maybe it has been all that talking during my weekly therapist visits that I'm reaching a better mental state. Maybe it's because my career is taking off. Maybe it's because my friends and family have been there to help me through this. Maybe it's me being away from my ex long enough to realize that he is not as special as I believed, and he is not coming back. Maybe it's because I am finally acknowledging that his disrespectful behavior to me throughout our r/s was plain wrong, regardless of BPD, NPD, alcoholism, or whatever he has, and I don't need it.

I released my iron grip on the misery I mistook for comfort and I released the grip on the idea of life with my ex. It's about control -- I think some of us on here have control issues -- and after a while we have to be okay with not controlling.

I'm glad some of you are crossing the bridge to letting the past go. I know its hard and we all have our on personal battles and struggles. Some may take longer to realize life is about what you make it. Our ex's have hijacked us from that life, but life will continue to introduce us to new possibilities if we give it a chance.

I still struggle and find myself lonely sometimes. Its always going to be work in progress for me. But what I'm experiencing now is reflection and belief to a better future. One of my all time favorite movies is Shawshank Redemption. I love the character Andy Dufrense. I think his role in the movie defines exactly what we gone through with our ex's. He writes a letter to 'Red' that I think all of us should reflect on. He writes "Remember Red, hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies." Then he sums it up with one of the best quotes I have ever heard. "get busy living or get busy dying." Yep... .I think that can apply to all of us.

"The way people treat you is their Karma, the way you react is yours".

"If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change". Wayne Dyer