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I have noticed that for my own boundaries and survival I have to completely remove myself from caring about my dBPD mom's issues. I noticed that I grew up with the tendency to be "sucked-in" and care too much and I was taken advantage of, so I've had to stop. This can't be the best way to handle things... .She is a person and though 90% of her issues are her own doing that she adamantly believes to be the fault of everyone around her, she still is a human and deserves validation from time to time.

How do you show empathy or sympathy? I'm scared that the minute I show that I care at all, I will be back in a terribly enmeshed and controlled relationship with her. I just need some suggestions on the proper balance.

That's a great question. You can feel empathy for someone and not agree with them or enable them. You're already familiar with boundaries; what kinds of boundaries could you set that allow you to express that empathy but not get sucked into drama?

The boundaries I have been practing for 3 years now without too much difficulty are never loan money; maintain limited contact - no more than once a week; have a network of other people to help rather than rely on her; limit the amount of time my kids have alone with her, and end the irrational conversations before any escalation.

That last one sometimes doesn't always work as she will bring it up later for years to come. I don't know. Maybe I'm down because of a fight we got in. I know I could show more concern, but i also know that it could come at a price. I do care about her despite the fact that she lacks concern for me. I feel it's almost a defence mechanism to completely remove myself from any emotional feelings I have for her, but it's not making the situation with her any easier.