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I never thought she would hit me, but she finally did Friday night. We had a great day and I even kissed her deeply when we were being intimate for the first time in exactly 11 months since she had gone behind my back and visited her exNPDbf. Who she hadn't seen in over 6 years. I am fairly sure they just talked since she had her kids with her. Children she emphatically claimed she would never let around him because he was so abusive and controlling. Just one of her many lies. But I still have alot of issues with this visit and I feel that he is still very much a part of her life even though I do not think she is talking to him now.

So that evening we are watching TV and she accidentally sees a text message from my closest friend who I confide in about the BPD madness. It was joke that was meant to make fun of my conspiracy theories I have about her exNPDbf and she took it as a joke about her. So she questioned me about it and then calmly walked out of the room when she didn't like my response. Then after ten minutes she starts texting me from the guest room about how I should defend her and that my friends do not have room to talk because of the things they do. Yes, when I actually trusted her before I ever knew what BPD was, I broke the bro code and she knows things about them she shouldn't. Of course she uses these things against me even though they do not involve me and I am loyal. Then I tried to explain that my friend was making fun of me and not her.

Then she went into how I was seeing her and my prior gf at the same time. When we started seeing each other she was married and I was in a long term relationship. We were both cheaters. Little did I know at the time I was just a replacement. Now I am getting the punishment I deserve. It was the first time I ever cheated and it will be the last. That is the most important lesson I have learned out of this ordeal. I texted back that she knew from day one I had a girlfriend and she made the choice to continue to see me. I said that she never told me that she was "owned" by her exNPDbf and I certainly did not have a choice in her going to visit him. Then there was some misunderstanding with the flurry of messages and she said she would be there with him now if she wanted to be. Then I pointed out to her that she was too old now. I believe her ex to be a pedophile because he was 32 and she was 16 when they had started dating. The last thing that I said was that I knew this would make her mad because I had implied something bad about her precious ex.

Then she came back into the bedroom and asked why she was too old. I had not directly said she was too old for him in the text and she was confused. When I clarified it for her she started trying to slap me on top of the head. I was seated on a sofa. I got up and tried to protect myself by pushing her away from me. I started walking for the door and she wouldn't let go of me. Then she grabbed my phone and demanded to see all of my lies. We fell to the floor and I was trying to get my phone back so I could leave. She said she was going to call the police on me and then beat me up. That is when I got really scared. I got my phone and got her to let go of me. She then went and got a large glass cake dish from the kitchen and said she was going to smash my car window with it. Luckily she did not. I do not remember what else was said. I just wanted to get out. She did make several threats. She threatened my friends and then my business. I did manage to leave at that point.

The next morning she texts me that her and her kids are at a restaurant and invites me to meet them. I felt it was safe and I really wanted to see the girls. It was amicable and we didn't discuss anything. Then I left the rest of the day with my family to a sporting event. Her normal day after that would have been spent at home cleaning, taking care of the girls and getting ready for the next work week. Instead she impulsively drives an hour away using gas she cant afford, to shop for clothes she cant afford and to eat out again. I wasn't upset about it, but she only did it because I had gone somewhere and she was still upset about the fight. If I had done the same there would have been hell to pay.

So I get back late and now she is upset that I didn't get back at the exact time I told her I would. She uses the excuse that they were waiting for me to eat, which I never said to do and she never asked. I am exhausted from only having 3 hours of sleep the night before and just want to stay home and go to bed. I agree to come over and put the girls to bed. She gets upset when I tell her I am not staying because I am afraid of her and that I will only talk to her about what happened over the phone. I get there and the house is a mess. She did not even put up the clothes I had washed and dried Friday before the fight. The girls are jumping around like crazy monkeys at 9 at night eating Halloween candy while watching TV. Then she just gets up and goes to bed. I get mad and I put the girls to bed myself before leaving.

I call her when I get home to talk about what happened. I have decided I do not want to live this way anymore and she either has to get help or I am out. I start out by asking her if she feels the way she behaved was ok. She has told me before that there is something wrong with me because I do not show enough emotion when I am upset! She tells me that she knows what she did was wrong but that I made her really mad. There is always an excuse. So I tell her that what I did was wrong, but that her reaction was way over the top and not acceptable. Then she launches into how we are a family and that I need to come home and we can work on things together. Then she used the girls as leverage and brought up how they will be confused about my absence and the usual obligation she piles on there. I said I was too afraid of her and that she would have to get help first. She says that all I want her to do is pay someone to think for her and have her doped up on drugs. We went back and forth like this for awhile. Then she opened up the water works and went on about how good I am to her kids and that I am better than her own father. That she wants to make something of this life and be buried next to her best friend. All of that really did get to me. Even as callous as I am now to her manipulations and FOG.

So I do not know how to proceed from here. Her ultimatum is for me to come back home. My ultimatum is for her to admit she has a problem and to actively start therapy for it. Then I am also torn because of my issues with her hang ups on her ex, which she denies of course. I am unsure if I can ever get over it. It's bad enough being a caretaker, not having my emotional needs met, and being psychologically terrorized, but to have to be second to a narcissist, pedophile, psychopath that only used her for sex is horrible. I have really struggled with that the last year and it has completely broken me down. The only thing really holding me are the girls. I love them very much and I see them having a much better future with me in it. She has already begun neglecting them because of her psychological distress and it has only been one day. But I also do not think I can ever really protect them from her. I just feel so stuck.

Wow Love Is Not Enough, what a scary event. Physical abuse is never ok. It is great you have set boundaries for yourself, to protect you. False allegation possibilities were there, she threatened to call police on you. You say you have your own place correct?

You are correct that you have no control over how the children are treated, not being one of their biological parents= no rights to make decisions for them. This is a hard place to be, I have been in your shoes. Careful what you believe here... .I was told many things that weren't true.

Going forward, where do you see this relationship going?

Thank you for your response suzn. I am not sure where I see it going anymore. It just feels too overwhelming now. Too many tangles to unravel. I do not even know where to start. I did stay last night at her house and I am sure that was a mistake. She has been kind of sullen and aloof. Which logically I know is only to make me feel sorry for her and draw me back in. My plan is now to work on learning the techniques on this site to attempt to have a productive conversation with her. I will definitely not bring up past events in her presence or push her buttons. I will stay calm and focus on my boundaries. I still feel compelled to get her to admit her issues and get help. Although I am fully aware I cannot fix her.

I do have my own place so it is nice to have somewhere to go when she gets out of hand. I just hate leaving the girls alone with her when she is like that. So far they have always been asleep and slept through it, but it worries me they will wake up. Then I have no idea what I should do. I don't think she would hurt them, but then again I never thought she would attack me either.

You said that you have had a similar issue with the children. Is there a link to your story or intro post. I do not know how to find it. I do not have much experience with posting online and I am not able to see anyone's profile. I believe I have to have a certain number of posts first. I am really interested in how you handled that. What kind of things were you told that weren't true?

Thank you again.

Leave, I mean it. It will get worse.  As long as you continue to be with her, you will be her victim.

I lived on these undecided boards from 2004-2011.  When my s2bx was abusing me 2-3x a week.  I was abused physically, verbally, emotionally and financially.  She blamed me for she hitting me.

In 2011, I learned while visiting her sister. Her sister and her had a fight. She hit her sister. I decided to end it.  My s2bx will never change and neither will yours.

Leave now before you facing her in divorce court or you'll be in an ER, or worse.

Have to agree with Forestaken.  If she's violent now, it will only get worse.  Your first responsibility is to protect yourself and your future.

Regarding the concerns for the children, perhaps a report to the local authorities about your concerns?  Talk to her family about it?  Talk to a minister about it? Or the local law enforcement?  It's awful when you know the kids are at risk but you have no standing to really do anything.  I think the best you can do is inform someone does have standing of the risk of abuse.

I will say I faced a similar conundrum when my uxBPDgf and I broke up.  She had 2 boys, one that was special needs, and she was altering her meds on her own, drinking too much and combining with anxiety meds, driving drunk all over, couldn't hold a job, etc.  She was a total dumpster fire at the time.  I informed the boy's father (a guy that seemed NPD-ish to me as well), step mom, and grandmother of the concerns.  The father/step mom were out of state, but grandmother was local.  I found out later she visited the apartment they moved to, saw how bad it was, called DFACS, and the authorities stepped in took the kids away.  Sent them to live with their dad.  Whole thing had to have been horrible for them all, but the boys sent from not being fed regularly and not having things like turned on utilities (water/power) to at least being with a dad that would make sure they were fed, had clean clothes, and went to school.  More like his new wife would do it, but the point is, it worked out as well as it could for the boys.

So do the best you can and the move on to rebuilding your own life.

Thanks guys for your support. I know both of you are right. I just always get sucked back in with her manipulations. Of course she on her best behavior now and swears she will never do it again. Even though she tried to minimize it by saying she didn't punch me or leave any marks. Of course she has bruises on her arms from me trying to protect myself. I am sure she has been parading them to her friend at work today and telling her how terrible I was to her. She has raged at me many times and I have even gotten right in her face, but she never hit me before. I was really surprised. She is calm now and I definitely will not push her like that again, especially because of the girls. What I will do is keep encouraging her that someone can help her learn ways to regulate herself. I'm sure this is just a pipe dream and I am only deluding myself. If she does not agree to it then I will have to end it. I cant do this for 7 years. Forestaken you are tough to say the least.

Waddams I am really going to think about what you recommended. I worry her family will side with her. They have to know she has some issues, but I don't think they know how severe they are. She is highly functional, especially since I stabilize her. The only good thing is that I do have an audio recording of the fight. I had it on me because I wanted my T to hear how she twists everything. I have her clearly saying she was going to beat me up and then call the cops on me. The whole time I am telling her to get off of me. I am going to keep it going all the time now when I am around her. Maybe it will keep me out of jail. Not sure about the ER though. I may have to play it for her father at some point if I believe the children are in danger or being neglected. I would hope she would not fall to the point that your ex did, but I have no idea what impact me leaving her would do. What you described is horrifying. That is really great you were able to help the children. I know that had to be the best for them. How close were you to the boys and how hard was it to leave them? If you were really close, how were you able to let go? Her 3 year old thinks I am her father. They were looking for me all day when I wasn't there  :'(

This is never a good situation. What boundaries can you set for you when you get angry? When you notice things escalating you can take a time out and walk away, even if it's just to go to the grocery store. Give both of you space to cool off. Do you have a safety plan if things escalate?

Here's some helpful and important information for you.

TOOLS: Domestic Violence Against Men (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=87480.0)

This is also good to know.

TOOLS: Domestic Violence Against Women (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61403.0)

Workshop - US: Physically abusive relationships: Are you in one? (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61403.0)

Staying/Leaving for the kids? (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61666.0)

Whether you decide to try and work things out or leave her, you absolutely have to set firm boundaries on physical abuse.

Blunt question - what part of having to keep a recorder always going for self protection matches up well with having a relationship?  Isn't a relationship supposed to be a safe place for you?  You shouldn't have to resort to such extreme measures to stay safe in a relationship with anyone, whether it's a BF/GF, family member, or an A/C repair man.  Is the any relationship really worth going through  that much stress and anxiety?

As for those boys you asked about, I was close to them.  It was very, very hard to go through.  However, I knew what was going to have to happen or I was going to be destroyed by the whole situation.  It was strictly self-preservation for me, and at the time it was kind of dire.

You do what you gotta do for your own well being.  You do what you can for the others.  That way even if things don't work out as well as you hope, you can look back with sympathy, sadness, new wisdom, but not regret for not having done everything you could.

Thank you for the information suzn. I will read through all of that. And both you and HopefulDad are right, I did set a firm boundary on the physical abuse. I told her that if she ever did that again for any reason I would leave and not return. I am serious about that one. We talked last night about what we could do if things start to get out of hand in the future. She agreed to going to her room if I ask her to when she dsyregulates. As for myself, if she does not comply then I told her I would leave. Which of course is the last thing she wants me to do, so hopefully she will comply. She also agreed to therapy. I am not going to get too excited yet until she actually goes to an appointment. Even then I know it will be a long road. The biggest problem now is the only person I can find that specializes in DBT is almost an hour away. Hopefully we can find someone and she can fit it into her schedule.

Waddams I appreciate your bluntness. I know the recorder is an extreme measure and you are absolutely right about everything you said. My anxiety and stress had improved alot up until this fight. But I feel alot better now that I have made a firm boundary knowing that I will stick to it. She has made a great deal of progress the last 18 months and I want to see what she does with therapy. This incident was really out of left field. So for now I am deciding to stay and use the tools I have learned on this site to see it improves anything. My stress is much better now because I feel in control for once. Thank you for sharing about the children. It has put it into perspective for me. I will do what I can for them, but at the end of the day I come first. If I can't be happy with her then I will have to accept leaving them.

Thank you to everyone who posted. It really helped me alot. I am heading back to the staying board now.