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I am at a loss. After going through many books, articles and posts on BPD, they all seem to concur with what I am experience with my uBPDw.

She of course would not admit there is anything wrong with her   and everything is my fault no matter what. She has become violent, abusive and detached. Any trigger will create a volcanic eruption that will take days to return to baseline although lately she has stayed out of baseline for weeks.

Signs were always there but not at this level. She is a master in turning her shame into me feeling guilty.

She says she wants me out and break the marriage and she wants a new happy life with the kids away from me. I am the sole provider she is a SAHM and has not worked fro 8 years.

Out of the 9 symptoms in BPD I have experience 8, yet the 9th (self-injury) started to show somehow indirectly when she was hospitalized right after I left. Probably an emotional breakdown as she complained of having some sort of where she experienced vertigo, numbness in the arm and dizziness.

She has not gotten any better and her attacks are getting stronger and stronger. Dizziness and numbness continue and it has been a couple of weeks already.

She is not educated and primitive at the emotional level being always hypersensitive to any negative cues or criticism. She will never admit there is anything wrong with her other than some bad temperament.

Should I mentioned she suffers from an emotional dysregulation regardless and start making her face the real problem or will this cause her deep seated shame make things even worst than they are now?

I certainly wouldn't mention it to her. News like that needs to be delivered by a pro in a controlled enviornment. If she has become violent & abusive to you, how long before it is aimed at the children?

Hi  :)r.Me2,

"Should I convey she is suffering from emotional dysregulation? "   . Not a good idea to use a label that is not well understood by her. Your guess is right, this will result in a blow-up. In general the path "abstract understanding of emotional problem--->seeking help" is not likely to succeed. Lack of self reflection is often part of the condition which makes it hard to recognize for her that there is something off... .The crux of the matter is that this illness is beyond reason. It is however not beyond our ability to influence as we can focus on emotions and on limits/boundaries. We believe we live in a rationale world and are not so used to use emotions and boundaries but it can be quite powerful.

Having said this there is nothing wrong in validation i.e. acknowledging and feeding back to her that she is "totally upset", "angry beyond pale", ... .It can help in the short term and over time it can help increasing the ability to reason about her emotions. For more on validation see the workshop section or LESSONS.


Escalating aggressive behavior is a real concern and it is important that you protect yourself effectively from abuse. Depending on the level you may need to put an emergency escape plan in place. Lack of solid boundaries (boundaries that are alone under your control) is often a factor enabling her to escalate. It may be worth working through some boundary  workshops (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=36.0) like Examples of boundaries (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=167368.0) and then post concrete questions on the Staying Board (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=6.0) and discuss your boundary plans.