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Last night, H said that he's unhappy with his job.  He said something like, "I'm unhappy with this job.  I don't want to stay here any longer.  What do you think I will be happy doing?" 

I said, "I'm not sure... .what do you think you will enjoy doing?"  and then he didn't say anything anymore.

Then later, he told me, "I tried to talk to you that I'm unhappy, and the conversation lasted two seconds.  You just cut me off."  I told him that I tried to have a conversation with him too, and it would help if we both think together.

First of all, I've never been good at validation.  I'm not good at listening, sometimes my mind work "too quickly" and I skipped a step, trying to find solutions.  But for last night, I did try to talk to him, but he doesn't seem to want to answer his own questions, only for me to provide an answer for him.  Looking back, I could probably have asked him what causes his unhappiness at work, but it wasn't apparent at that time because his question (as least the way he voiced it out) was asking me what I think he will be happy doing. 

I'm glad that he didn't dysregulate or blame me, but also upset that somehow this conversation wasn't continued, he probably didn't feel validated, and I have to admit I feel like a failure too... .any suggestions?

That is tough, Chosen. Maybe first: Acknowledge that he is unhappy to validate the feeling.

Second: He seems to want help trying to find another path. You don't need to suggest what he is to do, but maybe guide him to explore his wants. Maybe say, "I not sure what you would be happy doing, but what are you happiest doing now or in the past?" or "What are your strengths that would help us find something you would enjoy?"

Kudos on recognizing what your weaknesses are! The means you are probably better at validation that you think! :D

Hi Chosen,

I totally get what you mean about missing steps to finding solutions; it's my go to place   Listening is a hard earned skill, especially when we're emotionally attached to an outcome.

Would saying something like this have helped open up the conversation?

"Aw, did something upset you today or just an overall feeling of being unhappy working there?"

Dont sweat it, you answered ok. You wont always meet their need,  you are not a mind reader.


The trick now is to not let it bother you, that is your real issue here. Its impact on you. He didn't dysregulate, it didn't turn bad, it is just you worrying about not having the 'perfect" response.

You don't always have to. Give yourself a break. If you can address your own self doubt it would be a non issue... We like non issues :)

Update: Last night he opened up again.  I was back home late because I had something to do in church, and after I got back, before bed, he talked to me a bit about his work.  I tried to listen actively even though I was really tired and felt like going to bed.

Then after maybe 1 hour, he stopped talking, so we went to bed.  He couldn't sleep, maybe because all his emotions was stirred up.  And he also made lots of noises, made it seem like I had kept him awake, moved about a lot and at one point when he was looking for something and didn't find it, he threw a bottle of lotion on the floor.  I ignored it and didn't ask about it.  He later on managed to get a bit of sleep, I think, but actually I didn't sleep a wink.  I was feeling pretty nervous, and just praying and hoping things wouldn't escalate.

I didn't point that out or anything because I knew how frustrated it can be when you are tired but cannot sleep, and because he didn't blame me or call me names or whatever.  He didn't explicitly link his sleeplessness with me, which I think is a huge plus, even though I was still a bit scared due to past events.  So I guess yes, he's in one of his moods right now and I need to be more sensitive and validating than usual, but my hope is that he wouldn't lash out like he did before... .and so far he's been ok.  So fingers crossed!

  Also pay attention to your own state--if you are tired and not at your best... .it may be better to disengage than to attempt validation that you just aren't up for right now.

Do what you have to make sure YOU get better sleep tonight!

Yes.  Although I still suck at validation, I'm getting better at knowing my own limits now, and knowing what times it's definitely better to be silent or speak little.  These few days I think I will keep my answers short and sweet, as I'm not in the mental state to have long discussions and he is in a rather defensive state.

Good thing I have somehow taken an afternoon off to rest anyway... .to catch up on some sleep!