BPDFamily.com

I've found massive amounts of support having read through other people's stories on here and I'd like to thank everyone for sharing.

I consider myself lucky that my relationship ended after seven months and that my non-diagnosed BPD ex boyfriend never became violent or argumentative with me. He even said he didn’t see the value in arguing when adults were capable of reasoning out their problems.

When I described the way he did treat me to a police officer friend, however, my friend suggested it did sound like the start of a domestic abuse relationship.

My ex used to test me asking me to name the musical instrument playing in a piece of classical music. Thankfully, I always got it right, but it seemed like odd behaviour.

He criticised me for buying chopped tomatoes one day rather than passata (which he preferred). When I said we'd have to make do, he said why don't we liquidise them. I suggested he could do that if he wanted to which he replied “you’re the one cooking” and he didn't want to interfere. That was very awkward.

Trying to fix the toilet seat in the bathroom was a massive chore which we couldn't resolve. After several failed attempts, he said firmly to me "You need to communicate with me" This from the man whose own communication skills left a lot to be desired (he avoided speaking with his housemate because he didn't like him). I eventually fixed the thing by myself when he was gone.

Towards the end of the relationship, we went shopping and as he was trying on a t-shirt I pulled it down for him to pull out the creases. That was met with the only time he ever raised his voice to me. “Don’t pull it down. I will never pull this down” he blurted out in the middle of the shop. Given it was the first time he raised his voice, it felt like a slap.

All of this seemed so odd, but I let it all slide thinking that we would eventually get back to the loving ways we’d shared before.

Sadly not. During the break up conversation, I mentioned that I noticed he’d become distant to which he replied “Why did you not say something sooner?” again making it sound like my fault.

Throughout all this it appears as though he was trying to test me and then blame me for any imperfections he observed or perceived. I can’t stand this. It makes me feel sick thinking about it but at the same time it’s a useful to focus on these times because it’s easier than remembering the tenderness and all the lovely things he said to me.

Hey Vibration, I think you're right to see the signs in hindsight, that's what everybody does. I also agree with your police friend that it very well might have turned into a DV situation. I was physically hit very early on in my relationship, and while that was an isolated incident, it should have been a "red flag" but I chose to ignore it.

I'm not sure it is any comfort, but from everything I've read about BPD and my own experience, when we think things are going perfectly fine and smoothly, inside a pwBPD's head there is a lot of turmoil and their thoughts and feelings are very different from ours. That is how sometimes the pwBPD just breaks up "out of the blue" and is with another partner immediately. During what we thought were the calm loving times, they were "feeling crazy".

My exBPDgf didn't rage outwardly and we didn't have fights, though in hindsight I think there are times she felt I was arguing with her because I disagreed. Instead she clandestinely hurt me by getting with other guys. Not that it's anymore healthy but I would prefer to have been yelled at.  :'(

Thanks for your response Learning Curve. What you've said does help. In a way it's easier to think that even during the good times he was most likely in a lot of turmoil, probably about his image, the way he felt about the relationship and, I'm guessing from what I've seen since, he fighting his feelings and thoughts about even being in a relationship in the first place.

Given he was so calm and rational on the exterior, it seems strange to think this may have been going on underneath, but I think the signs were there.

I personally think it's healthy to have an argument in a relationship, so to dismiss arguments out of hand seems strange to me.

What you say about their interpretation of us disagreeing as an argument may also hold true. I remember we had a completely different interpretation of a book we'd both read. He loved it and I couldn't stand it (thought it was really badly written). When we discussed the book his response was "It's like we're two separate people." I thought we were having an intellectual discussion about literature and the writing style of the author (in the way we might have done in the good times) and thought that was a bit of a wild statement even in jest. He said a book is just a book and he either liked it or didn't. It didn't seem malicious, just disappointingly indfiferent. But maybe it was another trigger for his detachment.

I'm sorry to hear you were assaulted in your relationship. Were there any examples of when you felt she interpreted an disagreement as an argument?

In bold.

That is the catch-22... .

Of being with a pwBPD.

A no win situation.

Horrible beyond words.

I am sorry you experienced that.

I know it hurts.

It wasnt any different with mine.

Those examples you mention... .

Were him devaluing you... .

In devaluation phase.

All designed to hurt you.

Hang in there.

As you can see... .

You are not alone.

Good point LC, and something I experienced as well.  During our wonderful times we both would comment on how well things were seemingly going, and relish the peace and love equally.  Conversely, during the devaluation phase(s), when I'd point out the wonderful times we'd just gone through, she'd either feign forgetfulness or simply say things were never as good as she had claimed.  It frustrated me to no end, but it is a good example of the fact that they are experiencing the relationship much differently than we are, in spite of some of the things they might say.