BPDFamily.com

Hi guys,

I am usually posting in the leaving board. But I thought this thread wouldn't really fit over there.

I wanted to create a thread because I was triggered by a post on pwBPD 'not apologizing'. In that other thread I wrote:



"(... .)

I also experienced this, but I have a question: when she should have apologized for something (or when she felt me coming close... or after she expressed herself liking me), she would most often trigger her Silent Treatment.

After a while, she would just:

-re-initiate contact herself,

-eventually answer one of my simple, down to earth, posts (never the: 'why' or 'I'm hurt' ones)

-be overly nice and enthusiastic when I would run into her

In all 3 examples, there never was a 'closure' or 'apology'. It was just like: just pretend it never happened and go on with the show.

My question to you guys is this: Is this the way we should have coped with it (I am on the leaving board)? I tried, but it felt so... .frustrating.

This is not a rhetorical question by the way. I am really interested to know what you guys think, and what -according to you- the best approach is/should have been."


So let me re-iterate my question.

We are often advised to define and protect clear boundaries. However when we would enforce such a boundary, the pwBPD may very well get triggered.

But to avoid this 'being triggered' or to even prevent it from happening we're advised to disengage and not get involved.

Imo this is a paradox. And I'm really interested in what people think about this. Should we (in my italic post) just accept the 'nothing happened' attitude and go on with the show? What's both your opinion and what are experts' opinions.

I would really like to know!

Thank you in advance!  :-)


P.S. I am currently in the process of trying to understand it all. I also still care. So, although, I am on the leaving board, I still would like to know these things. :-)

Hi EdR,


Boundaries are vital and a great deal of us on these boards have not been very good at establishing and upholding those. In a high conflict relationship it's better to have a few main boundaries and to not sweat the little stuff.

It's not so much about not triggering our partner with our boundaries, though, as much as not taking it personally when they get triggered. Yes, validate their feelings, use communications tools and take time-outs. But sometimes our partners will dysregulate. That's the reality of the situation. So be it, best for us then is to detach, see the behaviour for what it is: an expression of a disorder. To arrive at this point greatly reduces the stress for us and allows us to stay in a more loving mind frame as opposed to doing things out of fear which creates resentment.

As for the nothing happened-attitude: yes, it's the professional advice (and my personal experience) is that this is the best way to handle it. If we wish to say something about what happened, better to do it at another time where the wounds aren't so fresh.

Thank you.  :)  It makes me wonder if I did the wrong thing; trying to get some closure, trying to get an explanation for her Silent Treatments. I probably did... .

Then again... when she came back (before her latest ST) I DID pretend nothing happened. So that's a relatively good thing. It still sucks though :-(

The "what if" is no fun, that's for sure. I'm sorry you're in a bad place right now.