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My uBPDgf always has one main trigger she is very sensitive to, and it seems to change monthly. Unfortunately her current trigger is the worst I've seen in over three years of being with her. It's when I bring up anything even remotely serious. I think she's having a difficult time facing reality, and is constantly trying to ignore everything. I've gone hours talking with her trying hard to to talk about the issues that really need to be talked about, and if I slip up at all she gets very upset saying things like "can't we ever talk about something fun?" and "you're always trying to ruin my good mood" and "you're the source of any negative emotions I have lately."  I think I may agree with that last one, but I feel it is so unfair, it's really bothering me because communication with her is what keeps me from feeling hopeless. Lately I've had to lead 100% of conversations, if I'm quiet for a bit, she always asks me why I'm so quiet, and what's wrong, and I can't mention what's wrong because it's a huge trigger lately. It's been really stressful and I'm starting to break down a bit.

Talking about things with her always gives me hope, and it's what helps get me through. We've always been able to communicate some, but just not lately. I realize there are some things I shouldn't bring up, and I don't, but lately I feel so squelched. This has been affecting my mood tremendously and I'm growing resentful. I want to suggest to her that I understand how she has been feeling, but me not being able to express any of my feelings has put me in a really negative mood. And that I think we should take a little break (nc) for a few days or for however long it takes for her to feel like she can handle talking about things that are important to me and our relationship. Will this do more harm then good, or is it a decent approach? Any advice is extremely appreciated. Also, she has a DBT skills workgroup coming up, and I feel like this may be contributing to her sensitivity.

Thank you

Hi Border_Lover.  I hear ya and feel for ya.  This is what I'm going through as well.  My uBPDbf has told me that if I'm going to start a conversation with the words "We need to talk", "Can I talk to you?", "I need to talk to you", etc, that I should just keep my mouth shut, because nothing good will come from it.  He says he hears those words and they make him cringe.  He says he doesn't know why I'm always bringing my feelings into it.  And when he says the word feelings, he makes that quotes gesture.  Doesn't seem like a good prognosis for our one-on-one communications.  I don't know what the answer is.  Just letting you know you've got company.

Hi Border_Lover,

I feel for you.  Sometimes I find it so hard to talk to uBPDh about anything remotely serious.  It's like anything I have to say is bound to trigger him in some way.  What I have learnt is that, sometimes we have to give up our expectations completely before things change.  We think A is serious, but our pwBPDs are not ready to face it yet.  There is NOTHING we can do to help them be ready.  We can tell them a million times that A is serious issue, but they just can't face it yet.  The only thing we can do is to accept that they're unable to discuss A with us now.  The more we try to push it, the more they will feel cornered and may either withdraw or lash out.

As for your suggestion of NC, I don't know if that will work, since your gf is taking part in a DBT programme (great!) and my h isn't.  But I have a suggestion which may seem like a compromise between the two of you.  How about, you just "impose" limited contact for a little while without telling her?  I mean, not to be passive-aggressive but just to give some space between the two of you?  Maybe talk about usual stuff, not deep feelings/ emotional issues, limit the amount of sharing you two have for a while.  It may give you the space you both need to self-sooth.  In that way, you may feel less troubled by her lack of acknowledgement of your feelings, while she may be less of an emotional burden to you because you already have a lot of your shoulders. 

Hi Border_Lover,

as Chosen indicated, just going nc may not be a good idea for various reasons - e.g. could be interpreted as abandonment and just lead to escalation.

Expressing ourselves without triggering can be a challenge. Have you looked at the communication tools? Often S.E.T. (workshop) (https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict) can be used quite effectively to address difficult topics and our own emotions (our emotion=T).