BPDFamily.com

Hey, all. Just a quick post to acknowledge how nc feels... .like some type of physical withdrawal. Resolving the really horrid, inappropriate behavior on my xuBPD husband's part vs the good stuff BITES. The posts here have been a lifeline for me. I'm going to look into EMDR  therapy so I can root out my vulnerability to addictive relationships. I lashed out via email last night, and remembered, oops, keep my side of the street clean. So I sent a quick apology. I have blocked him from phone, texts, FB, email. Breathing deeply... .even though I ended it, I'm still feeling like I lost a limb.  :'(  I'm also grossed out when I think about all the lies! Feel like my skin has been  removed. Good to vent, as many don't understand the madness of BPD.

Hi lightswitch

You are so right about the withdrawals.  I am 3 months out and am beginning to have periods where I feel like I never was i a relationship with her :) Unfortunately I still have bouts where I think about her a lot.  My family and friends can see that I am much happier and smiling for the first time in a few years! 

Good for you, waifed! I personally found it stressful putting on the happy face all of the time during our relationship. Mine eventually started mirroring my misery, then went out on me. Sick of the lies, from myself, and also hers.

High lightswitch. Vent all you want, as do we all. It is good that you have the awareness on your side of the relationship. I highlighted in your post a trait many, or most of us here have in common to varying degrees. Have you checked out some of the articles, tools and workshops here?

Ten Beliefs That Can Get You Stuck - Surviving a Breakup with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder (https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/10_beliefs.pdf)

It sounds like you are already divorced or in the process, no?

Fortunately I never married her mine!  She worked for me for 6 years.  We dated the last 3.  It is much easier for me than many on here because we have no mutual friends, and I live in Houston so unless she tracks me down I will probably never see her again.

I read a post someone wrote a while back that just really painted a great perspective. They related to 'parenting' in a sense. Now imagine the person you were with was a 3 year old child (mind the pun). You saw this child every day, you took care of it, it sought your affection, it cared about what you said and did, it thought you were it's guardian angel. Something happened, that child you love is now gone. Something occurred for a split second to change the child's thinking that you were it's perfect guardian angel.

Now what?

That child is gone. You have nothing to take care of now. Your care giver personality was satisfied but now the focus of your attention that was drawn towards the child is now on you. And that feels like nothingness because its been all about the child for so so long. But all that's left is you, you've been giving so much. How do you give to your self again? We are creatures of habit. We want the child back because it loved what we gave and that in return was our happiness. Its hard to learn that giving to your self can make you happy too.

Would that be "empty nest" syndrome? :)

Our S3 is in the paint white/black stage. The other day, he said to my stbxBPD "I don't love you mommy!" She was surprised by this (he's said this to me and my mom as well). I said that he will say the exact opposite in a few hours, and that he reminded me of her. She asked what I meant. I didn't answer. Cruel, but true.


I didn't think of the second half that perspective. That is something on which to ruminate... .The scary thing is that my X says (I've found her write it, and so much as say in publically on FB) that our children are the only reason she is on this Earth. Very, very sad.

Yes, thank you, Turkish, I read and re-read the gems that can be found here... .I can identify a lot of the mental bait that pops up in my head, and try not to give it too much power.

I have filed for a no contest divorce; we hadn't been married very long at all, so no joint property, and no babies, thank God. Getting him to sign off was a scary nightmare. I knew timing was the essence. He tried to publicly humiliate me,etc... .having public episodes really exposes the reality of their illness. Last few days I've been more angry, as I continue nc, I find myself wishing he would call more often... .why? So I can look at my phone and have the following SICK thought; 'awww, he loves me... .' sick! That is my sickness to own and heal. But really! A very screwed up conditioned response on my part.

Cold turkey is hard. So... .since 'withdrawals' can manifest in physical ways, I need to do something physical in response; bike ride, walk, push ups, etc. I'm allowed to scream and rant by myself, in the car, just not to his face. (But I want to!)

Sounds like some good coping strategies, lightswitch.  |iiii  I feel it's important to have some effective and non-destructive coping tools.

Are you beating yourself up because you sometimes wish he would call you more often? You did love him, right? It's not easy to change ourselves, and sometimes it takes effort and time to get to the place we want to be. It's been three months since I saw my exBPDgf, and I still miss the rituals we had. It is still painful for me to think about her and the good (and bad) times we had together, but the pain is less and comes less often I think.

Withdrawal is a good way of putting it.

i will say this, one of the things that seems to help me with the "withdrawal" syndrome you talk about is getting in and staying in a routine. i have moments where i feel awful and moments where i feel happy, but the routine is what keeps me in check and helps me move on.

Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self. Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, eating disorder). Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in. Suicidal thoughts or self-mutilating behavior.

Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety. Chronic feelings of emptiness. Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms.

Ha, we become them at the end, they leave their stinkiness on us for a while.

wow. just wow. How right you are.

But not for long, when the main source of these feelings is cut off. Or keep engaging with them and make their sickness stay with you for as long as you want.

They stink up the room and stink up relationships.

RUN AWAY