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the pain of this characteristic of BPD is overwhelming. my stbxw became sadistic in her refusal to acknowledge the effect of her campaign of deceit of me. it was consistent with her behavior during the marriage i have to admit: "i hurt you, but you don't hurt me" is a phrase i used more than once. it leaves us in a perfect no-win situation: to assert out own feelings hurts their feelings. i must keep reminding myself of this to purge the remnants of my hope for reconciliation.

Exactly  |iiii

My ex NEVER wanted to hear that what he was doing was hurting me. He would always blame me for my feelings (you're insecure, you think too much). After we had broken up, he was idealizing me again, telling me how perfect I am and how stupid he is for losing me. In the midst of it, he asked, why don't you believe me? Why do you always doubt me? To which I replied a simple, you broke my heart (after lying, cheating, and being a general ___hole). He completely flipped out and said he had to go because this was going to start a big fight. How dare I call him out like that. I think to this day he is convinced that I'm the one who broke his heart because "technically" I'm the one that left... .

My exUBPDgf replied with... .

Silence... .

At the question the OP stated... .

When I asked her multiple times.

Just silence.

Invalidation to the letter.

The why no longer matters.

Right. No-win. Therefore EXTREMELY frustrating, and one person is doing all the emotional repairs in the r/s. And... .for me, an extension of doing all that repair work... .on some level I actually started to believe that I was the one at fault all the time (passive-aggression is VERY hard to deal with - I really came to doubt whether I had a right to feel hurt or if I was just being "difficult".

For me too, reminding myself that my former partner rarely apologized (he did a few times, over 7 years), helps me realize that the future wouldn't have been very satisfying in terms of wanting a mutual r/s.

So true. But having no empathy, this is what happens. It would be too painful to admit they hurt others.

I'm afraid i will end up posting on the "Leaving" board more frequently one day, and the number one reason is that I must never mention my pain or the negative consequences my BPD has had on my life. We have a 20 year history together and as you propably understand we can only talk about selected parts of our time together. Too many things in our history are connected to stupid or hurtful thing she's done that she (apparently) expects me to never mention again ever.

And as Discovery said; no apologies, no repair work. I've told her I can't just swallow it and go on like nothing happened. Just keeps giving me the same old garbage about "bringing up old hit" ("hit" turns "old" after approx 24 hours I tell you).

And what happens when I "bring up old hit" (i e talk about my own feelings)? She "doesn't want to live" and (worst case scenario) has to be rushed of the emergency ward. Suicide threats... .

the line i got was "it's just this once" or "you do it too," as if i was being censorious and nitpicky about things which, in point of fact, happened over and over and over and over. and i too came to wonder if i was being that way. i still wonder, dammit.

My DH felt his then-wife (uNPD/BPD) was most honest the day she looked at him and said,

"I know what I do is wrong, and I know it hurts you.  But it's what I want to do, so I'm going to do it."

Mine would actually get mad and shout at me if ever I were to get upset. He simply couldn't process it, let alone show any empathy.  :'(

The same malfunctioning subconscious wires that feed into their on/off switch, are wires also spliced off from their idealization, devalue, and discard of you. The duplicity of their compulsory quest for emeshment amid fears of engulfment. Psychopathologically, the motivation that triggers the flip, or lack of empathy, is their fear of an extinction burst, and the abandonment of all they ever held dear.    

Same here.  I would get that blank look on her face a lot, almost like she didn't really care and didn't want to be bothered with anything that I cared about.  It is really amazing looking back at how shallow she really is.  She would always say "you are making me angry" or "I don't want to talk about this right now".  Anything to avoid talking about feelings. 

She is high functioning at work, but she has to be doing a job that is repetitive and self involved with very little communication with others.  I think she knows something is wrong and she hides it very well.  It is crazy how they can "fake" their way through life and only those close to them really know what makes them tick. 

"i don't have much to say right now."

i emptied my heart out to her in emails twice after she bolted. the first time she didn't respond, the second time she said she wouldn't read it. i wasn't even physically present, and she refused to engage.

My uBPDxw used to argue with me for days and days about something then when I was so tired of arguing about it and I said OK it's a bad idea but let's do it, she'd say BUT you've got to accept it and not come back if it is a bad idea! I'd say how can I say that you know where I stand? Never understood it, but do now I realise she has BPD... .splicing, it never happened that conversation.

I find this thread amazing.   Mine always says I don't talk and don't express my my feelings.  Duh, there is a reason!  I am darned if I express them and darned if I don't.   He wants me to talk and I am too scared to because when I do, I tell you he is loaded for bear!

This is too crazy. My ex always told me she erased emails and texts before reading them that I would send her when we were fighting and I was trying to get her to respond to something.   At least she said she did. I wonder if she read them and just didn't know how to respond.  The fog is their friend I guess.

My exwife-BPD said to me as we were leaving the divorce court that the reason we got divorced is because i did not trust her that she loved me. Rather, she said, i listened to everyone else who said negative things about her.

Mind you, i left the marriage when she told me that she was having an affair. When I reminded her that she told me she was having an affair, she responded. "I was faithful".

When asked why she told me she had an affair if it was not true, she repeated "I was faithful". I asked her the same question 5 times, she did not answer. She kept on repeating "I was faithful".

Conclusion: She cannot see what she does.   

Me too! I do have communication issues, that I'll have to work on in the next relationship, but even when I tried doing it in my own way etc it wasn't good enough. My Ex admitted once in a letter that he had issues with communication, it was very eloquently written about how he struggled expressing himself and how he didn't feel he deserved love etc. One of the things that sticks out in that letter, which I'm hoping that he meant what he said at least at the time was, that what bothered him the most about me was how nervous I could be, he felt "Findinghersong" should spread her wings or something like that and believe in herself. My Ex told me I reminded him of himself years ago when he was scared and insecure etc, which I think he still is but I digress. What is that line they say? The thing you hate the most in others is what you hate in yourself!

So, maybe they just can't take the pain in everyone else because it makes them think of their own, just my pop psychology ha! However, I remember my Ex would tell me I would sit on the couch with my "sad face on," when I was crying it's like he couldn't admit how hurt I was. Also, one time I got scratched by one of the cats and I told him it hurt and he was like "toughen up" or something like that. Also, if I told him I was hurt, of course he had to say how hurt he was! One other thing that hurt me was, I've been having trouble finding my direction and just finding a good job after getting laid off a few years ago.  I could never express my issues with my job search issues, sending applications even getting interviews for a position I thought I was perfect but still not getting them! After I would tell him about my struggles with finding a better job, he would have to explain how hard it is for him to find a better job because of his past! Can't wait to find someone that we can both support each other!

  My ex would often ask what I was thinking/feeling; and at first, I thought, oh good, a man who truly wants to communicate! I soon learned that when I said what I thought or felt, (using' I' statements), he would inevitably become angry. So I stopped saying what I needed to say. Funny, he would still ask, and I finally said, welll, I'm feeling reluctant to share with you because you have gotten angry, yelled or stormed off when I try to communicate clearly and respectfully with you.

  If I tried to express my hurt, the reactions could vary depending on the reason. Sometimes he would openly mock me, other times he would launch into a defense campaign, or turn it back on me in some distorted way. Or blame the kids, the neighbor, the flippin cold front blowing in from the north... .ANYTHING  so that he remained Teflon Man. Unaccountable. To be accountable would mean he would have to admit fault and then be in a position to change, and he had so far, been getting away with not changing. His illness(es) would always override all else.

  I've compared addiction to a virus, in that it can adapt in order to stay active in our bodies and minds. Seems to be the same with BPD. Sigh... .so much hurt... .:'(

Hello,

I think my ex lover has considerable skills in the art of appearing to be compassionate, but actually saying nothing at all. After I spelled out for him how he had been distancing himself, he responded with

"Thank you for this email, it portrays your thoughts and feelings very clearly and gives me a lot of solid issues to think about.

I'm feeling a bit stunned from your list of observations about how I've treated you over the past few months. I didn't fully realize the extent of the changes. I had been thinking you were reacting to some subtle shifts in how we communicate, but they weren't subtle at all, at latest taken together. (Did I really fail to recognize Valentine's Day? Christ.)

I'm sorry that you think that this all to do with another woman. I will not deny admiring other women--I have done so all my life, I guess it is my nature--but that is different from an affair. I am not about to make excuses for how i have mistreated you over the past months, but another factor at play is my increasing level of concern about [name deleted] and our home situation, and about my marriage. If anything, those feel more tenuous than they did when we first reunited, and my confidence that I have the capability to improve them is much lower. I have been allowing myself to step back from those problems but will need to get back into that fray in a meaningful way if anything is going to improve. I'm really sorry that I must do so having cost myself my closest and most valuable and understanding confidente.

I have never stopped loving you, and I still think that we would have made an incredible couple if life had brought us together when still single. And i really did think we could sustain our relationship across the gaps of time and distance. I blew that and I am deeply sorry to have lost both my lover and my friend.

I may respond back with additional thoughts. For now I'll just wish you the best, including a clear mind and calm heart about this. I did not want this to happen, but i clearly did not do much to prevent it (and lots to cause it). So I'm not feeling any anger or resentment towards you, only towards myself."

He was still pretending that he cared deeply about me, but his actions spoke louder than his words. It was a very painful and confusing time for me. He also send me notes that he wanted to communicate more with me, that he wanted to be with me, and then he wouldn't follow through.