BPDFamily.com

I just don't know how much of this all I can take any more.  I snapped and screamed at him today.  (My almost 15 yr old son)  I just can't take the indignant selfish self righteous hateful hurtful jerk.  I feel guilty for feeling this way about my son.  He just makes me so angry I could explode.  You know I appreciate this board and the person who reached out to me.  I wish I could be involved more... .I work 60+ hour a week job... .I have lupus... .potentially ms... .fibromyalgia... .heart problems... .among so much else... .I'M WEARY!   We try to do nice things for him... .and that's the first thing to go when he's mad.  What am I to do for Christmas?  We bought him a phone and he smashed it.  Anything.  Our stuff gets cut.  Ruined.  I work hard.  I hurt.  He doesn't care.   I created this hateful hurtful mean insensitive young man.  !  I can't fix it.  !  I'm petrified.  i fear the day when... .I don't want to speculate

but i can't help it.

I work so very much.  I want to read whats here.  To not feel so alone.  I just do not have the time to get it all.  I'm so very frustrated.  I feel like I'm failing my family.  

My life.  I still can't believe this is my life.

And he believes such obscure things.

I am trying.  It just doesn't seem that way.

I'm having chest pain.  And I can't find it in me to care weather its heart burn or a heart attack.

And he just acts like nothing ever happens.  But he should have what ever he wants.  I can't stand this.  

You haven't failed. You didn't cause this, the very fact that you are coming here looking for support means you are a loving, kind, good parent.

This is the BPD causing your son to act out like this. It isn't your fault.

I think my son was at his worst at 16, cutting, threatening suicide, threatening me with a kitchen knife, ending up in the county mental health unit. etc etc I actually thought I was going to have a heart attack too last year due to the stress.

So how are you going to keep going? The first thing to do is do something for yourself-get a therapist or someone who can listen to you and understand what you are going through and can be your support. you certainly can't help your son with all the rest of that on your plate.

Secondly, is anyone helping your son? Does he have a counselor or therapy set up through school?

And you can say anything you like here-we've all been there in different ways.

I am so sorry you are experiencing so much pain right now!  BPD is a horrible illness and it can wreck havoc with our lives!  I agree with seeking out a counselor for your son, preferrably one who works with a doctor because of the potential need for medication.  Most of the time mood disorders like depression and anxiety are present in BPD and medication, though it won't cure BPD, can make like a lot easier for everyone.  So, do that first.  Then, find a therapist or support group for yourself!  You need to have a place to vent (like this board too) so you know you aren't alone!    to you! 

You absolutely positively haven't failed.  You didn't create the BPD in your son, you have no control over it all you can do is learn how to cope with it for yourself and help him find the proper treatment. 

Some of the best ways are through how you view it and learning that indeed it's not your fault at all and the son you raised isn't speaking the awful things, that is the BPD saying nasty awful things, destroying property and self harming.

In order to cope I agree with above that you need to find a way to detach some from it all with love and get some support for yourself so you can learn some of the essential communication skills that will defuse some of the painful chaos.

You are in the right place - try to find some help for yourself first and then start looking for resources for your son.  Sorry to see such tremendous pain and anguish - most of us have felt similar pain, frustration and anger you're experiencing.  Thinking of you and your family.