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Today is my birthday. Just one week ago my BPD ex dumped me... .for the fifth time this year. I am a total and complete mess. 

I broke NC today and went to text her, only to find I had been blocked from her phone.

She sent me all my pictures and things that I gave her. 

In previous breaks she hasn't done this. 

The longest she has ever blocked me on FB or phone has been a week. I feel like she is erradicating me from her life completely and I am dying inside.

She ended us very calmly and face to face. Something she had never done before. She had said, let's be friends and that my friendship was irreplaceable, but she didn't yhinknwe were right for each other and should be with other people. 

I panicked as I had when she dumped me five times before. I asked her why and she grew cold. Eventually it was that I was a self absorbed ass and bhit. She hated me and was not attracted anymore.  She continued to say our relationship was ugly and my words didn't match my actions, so much in fact that she threw out every letter I ever wrote her and every picture.

I am certain she will never contact me again she is that cold. 

Oh, EA, I'm so sorry you are feeling this way.  :'(

It sounds from your post that you did not want the relationship to end, and now that she is exhibiting other behaviors that seem more "final" to you than she did before, that you are distraught.

I have read back through some of your posts.  This woman is not all that - at all.  I think you said she was 40 behaving this way!  What a trip.  Hey Sweet Angel - don't think this has anything to do with you.  She simply is a messed up, crappy person and it isn't because you aren't lovable.  It's because she is incapable.  You can't change her.  Sounds like you have been having difficulty saving yourself from this woman.  For you future's sake - hopefully her behavior is saving your from yourself.

And you will move on and heal.  Also note that because this is your first relationship of this type, could add to what you are dealing with yourself emotionally in letting go and healing.  Perhaps something to explore with your T?

Read on earth angel, you will find the truth here amongst all of this,I was you a few weeks ago,I wish I could reach out and give you a big motherly hug,I can hear how much your hurting angel and im sorry for you, youl see in time, the truth, it ant pretty, and its hard to swallow, but youl make it X.

Happy Birthday Earth Angel

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I understand that today will be a difficult day.  I am sure it wasn't how you had planned to celebrate your birthday just a short time ago.  I know its hard to go through the major events in life after a break up.   

That being said it still might be possible to celebrate your birthday and find something to enjoy in the day.   Treat yourself.   Splurge a little.   Do something you normally wouldn't do.  Go out someplace you have never been before.    If you don't have a kid, a dog or a horse borrow one for a couple of hours.  They are amazingly therapeutic.

You know EA, this is the detaching board, so I am going to talk about detaching.  We all here know how very hard it is to detach from these types of r/s and we all understand the many reasons why its hard.   It is a freaking battle some days to fight that urge to text, to check a facebook page, to find out what or how they are doing.

The other side of this coin is that reaching out, trying to cure or soothe your pain by exposing yourself to more pain just isn't going to work.  This woman you were involved with is incapable of having an adult responsible reciprocal mutual shared relationship.   Sooner or later she will act in ways that will hurt you.  She can't help it.  She isn't a bad person she is a sick person.  Forgive her and let go.  Detach.  When thoughts of her come into your head, chase them away, replace them with something else.  Use guided imagery if that helps.   Mentally take the thought you had of her and attach it to a hot air balloon and let it float out the window.    If you want a stronger image take the thought you had of her, picture yourself loading it into a cannon and lite the fuse, blow that thought away.  practice safe cannon techniques.

Letting go is a process.   It takes work,  effort.  It is, to be blunt, a pain in the @ss.   Some one here wrote (and I can't remember who) our choices are let go or be dragged.     You are being dragged.    What do you think EA, is it time to stop?

babyducks

Two very wise words were spoken here within the thread. "Saving yourself". Hear them. A very important concept. I do recall my last face to face conversation with the "one". It was after some time without her, about a month, and I clearly recall during that time really and finally realizing that the trajectory of my life with her was not the life I wanted for "myself". It seemed as if all the good was going out and only bad and nutty was coming in. It was as if she and her issues were taking over and coloring everything and that my life and time was under "siege" to her needs. I felt like a hostage as strange as that sounds. It all became about her.

I remember telling her very calmly,"I do thank you for showing me what is important to me. I think perhaps there is some good in this and at the end of the day I have only myself to blame and that I can't expect you to understand now but I am not happy "inside", and that only I can "save myself". Only I can fix that, nothing personal".

It must be remembered that during the honeymoon relationship with her I had been buying into her immature crap and had been partying and drinking like a mad dog and I suddenly realized that that life, at my age, would only last so long living like that. I decided to clean up my act and she was not understanding of that need of mine. It was a fantasy life that could not be sustained and the "important" aspects were slipping away and I recognized that. I was about a month without alcohol and was coming to my senses. I do also recall when I said those words the way her eyes darkened and she seemed to disconnect. It was not a look of defeat on her part but a rather malignant feeling of angry envy. Her response in typical BPD fashion was "Bulls**t Shadow you are going to those meetings because you want to f**k all the women there". I just looked at her incredulously... .Those were among the last words she said to my face. I remember the weird mix of love and repulsion I was experiencing when looking at her after her words. I'm sure she saw it too. Yes... .I was sure then... .only I could "save myself". We were both broken.

I do recall how she screwed up my birthday, the fourth of July, thanksgiving, Christmas, my daughters birthday, and labor day, and... .

Earth Angel,

You've already received some great advice, so I just wanted to wish you a very happy birthday, as well as a hug... . 

Earth Angel, best wishes to you on your birthday. 

On my birthday I was alone, so I did something totally new and totally selfishly fun just for myself. Maybe there is something you can do for yourself too?

Hi earth angel

First of all: Happy birthday! And a big, big hug. 

You deserve more heart and understanding than your gf was able giving you.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

As Hazel said, you've already gotten some wonderful words to help, so I will only say to remember it's not about the destination, it's about the journey.  Take a little time at the rest stop to recover, and get back out on the road.  Have a happy life!

hey earth angel,

hang in there. and happy birthday from all of us... .that is, from people who care.

if your ex is BPD then she is completely unable to sustain a loving relationship with anybody. and remember not to take things personally, even though it is very hard not to... .

five break ups in ten months... .that is no way to live... .i have been there too... .and on my final break-up a good friend of mine told me "she is broken beyond repair, please dont give her another chance"... .

it was good advice at the time, and it still is.

go no contact, ignore her when she comes back, and move on. it will be the best thing you can ever do for yourself.

b2