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Does "JADEing" mean 'justifying and defending'? I still don't know how to react to the sudden, out-of-the-blue rages.  I can understand using the 'SET' techniques under calmer circumstances, but not when someone is screaming at you.

We're used to the DSM criteria for BPD, but i was looking at BPD resources and came across the ICD criteria which i hadn't seen in some time; i felt the differences were interesting and in turn, thought they may be interesting here. My search was sparked by the increase in discussion of the diagnosis itself on the boards (at least, that i've seen) and despite my H not presenting in perhaps the same volatile way as others, he is most definitely BPD. Anyway, i digress, i've lifted this from Wiki but the differences were, i thought, very interesting:

www.en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Borderline_personality_disorder


Paranoid accusations feel real to the person experiencing them

After reading this thread I'm beginning to think WE ARE THE CRAZY ONES! 

Why do we put up with this stuff?  For me, dealing with this type of crazy is not worth it.  But then again... .we are also clearly crazy  lol

I want to thank SweetCharlotte for answering my question about what 'JADEing' means.  And to answer Phoebe123's question, I guess I would/will try to stop doing that, and try to remain calm.  We can't always get away from the pwBPD, for example if we are in a vehicle when the 'raging' happens.  But I suppose that we can always control our reactions.  Something I read on one of these boards yesterday talked about how we can't verbalize our way out of these situations.  The BPD isn't in any mood to listen to rational talk when they're irrationally angry.

it was thought to occur on the border between psychotic and neurotic behavior.

BPD received the label borderline because


Its important not to personalize these things.  It is a serious mental illness that affects cognition (thinking), emotions, and behavior.  These things work in concert like a cascade effect.

" i plan on dying Young" this is something i heard many time, i don't see myself being old" is this something you guys experience? Is it common?

It's also important if you are in a relationship and dealing with these paranoid delusions or dissociative episodes to know when to decipher where the line is and how to handle them appropriately.  When to validate, what to validate, what not to validate, and what to let go.

Toilet paper - let it go, laugh (to yourself)

Accusations of unfounded persecution or paranoid ideation of abandonment spiralling into destructive behavior - these things can escalate to a melt down with the fears feeding on eachother.

How do you handle them so you don't make it worse is a good question to ask yourself?

I know I made these episodes much worse.  My experience was outside of the "I plan on dying young" statements and the self destructive behaviors (self medicating) - the vortex that these paranoid episodes caused long term mood issues that took months to rebound from becuase they would linger in the background for quite some time.

How to handle a jealous partner who is also BPD?

Jealousy creates a very hostile and uncomfortable environment, for both people. Each one suffers, though in different ways. Trying to stop it before it gets out of control is very important, since once it becomes an ingrained part of the relationship, it is very difficult and slow to change. Research shows much of the jealousy amongst couples stems from a lack of security in the relationship. With a fear of abandonment at the core of many who suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder, this can become a real issue for their partners to deal with. The BPD doesn’t feel confident about their partners love, so they constantly look for clues to reassure themselves. They ask too many questions. They call too often to check up on their significant other. They often even make outrageous accusations from the most innocent encounters. This puts the loved one in a real bind. How do they handle these pleas and demands for reassurance, when they feel they are doing nothing wrong?

The BPD is saying, in essence, that they aren’t comfortable with something the partner is doing. Yet many times the accusation is based on scanty knowledge, incorrect interpretations, and make-believe beliefs. The BP wants reassurance and changes to make them feel better NOW, but to do that, the partner ends up changing so much that they lose a part of themselves in the process.

This is how the cycle works: the BPD feels anxious or insecure about the partner and they express it as jealousy and ask for change. The partner, wanting to be accommodating and helpful, makes the adjustment. Now the BP feels better, but soon enough, the green monster rears its head, and the BP again looks for relief by asking for more change. It becomes like an addiction. Something the BP needs to feel better about themselves. The more the partner adjusts and changes, the better the BP feels. Meanwhile, the poor partner is left feeling controlled and attacked for doing nothing wrong.  But the problem isn’t really stemming from the partners behavior (in most cases), it is coming from the BP’s own insecurities, so eventually, no amount of change will ever fully satisfy the demands of the BP and quickly the BP feels like the partner isn’t doing enough to make them feel better.  Round and round it goes, getting worse and worse and worse, and making each person feel miserable with each other.

One of the things that many partners do when they feel pressured and harassed by frequent phone calls and questions from the BP, is to start to avoid answering the phone and dodging questions as much as possible. The partner starts to conceal and withhold thoughts, feelings, and other info also. It is natural to react this way, since you are trying to establish some areas of freedom and independence. Unfortunately, this secrecy and avoidance can backfire, in actually making the BP even more suspicious of your intentions, thus making things worse instead of better. A fear of abandonment is at the core of the BP’s problems, so withholding and avoidance triggers them into defense mode.

First, as hard as this may seem, you need to ask yourself “is there any justification for the jealousy?” Are you dressing in ways to attract attention? Do you frequently talk to strangers of the opposite sex? Are you evasive and secretive about some of your activities (even if you feel justified)? Did you maybe stand a little too close to an opposite sex friend? Did you flirt and laugh too much, while ignoring your partner? Are you acting like you are still single, instead of part of a couple? If any of these apply, then fix those problems first.

If you answered no, then the problem most likely isn’t you, it’s your partners. So how do you handle a problem that isn’t yours? Why should it be your responsibility to fix it? Because if you really care about the relationship, then getting it into a healthier state is crucial for the long term success you are seeking. If you don’t think you can, or you don’t think you should have to, then do nothing, and the relationship is doomed to die from anger, distrust, and jealousy.

~~ If you want to make an effort towards change, then here’s some things that can help change the dynamics over time. Remember, this didn’t get to this point quickly, so it will take time to see any results.  ~

1.   Experts suggest choosing a quiet peaceful time to discuss this openly and calmly. You need to ask directly what is driving the jealousy and really try and listen to your loved ones fears. Don’t make the mistake of dismissing them as groundless and baseless, even if you feel they are. Being told that they shouldn’t have the feelings they are feeling only makes them more upset and insecure (this is a form of Invalidation  (https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating). Read the workshop on how to avoid this pitfall). Just listen and ask questions to deepen your understanding of how and why they feel as they do.

2.    Validate  (https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-validation) them as much as you can, without owning the problem and assuming all responsibility for it. Validation means that we understand and accept our partners feelings, desires, pain, and thoughts. It does not mean we have to agree with them. “I can see how you would feel that way.” “I know you are really upset over this.” BP’s are very sensitive to being Invalidated  (https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating), so the more you can accept what they are saying, feeling, and expressing, the more secure and trusting they will feel.

3.   Reassure your partner that you truly care about them with your actions, not your words.  Constantly telling them "but I love you dear" isn't helping, since your partner is reacting to what they believe you are doing, not anything real. You can help reassure them with actions by not avoiding them (if you are) when they call and being more open with them about your activities. This will help soothe and reassure the BP that you are being open and honest with them. It won’t happen quickly, but they will begin to become less anxious over time. The hardest part is for the partner not to revert back to old habits of withholding and avoiding to maintain some autonomy and independence.

4.   Negotiate some agreements about reasonable BOUNDARIES  (https://bpdfamily.com/content/values-and-boundaries) around certain issues, such as agreeing to a limited number of phone calls at work (ex. no more than 3 a day), or agreeing to come home at prearranged time frames. Set reasonable time intervals (5:15 to 5:45) for arriving home from work in case of traffic or errands. These limits are to give you - the partner - a sense of control over your life, while also reassuring the BP that this isn’t a sign of trouble. If something major comes up, then you need to call to inform and reassure the BP so they don’t get triggered and go into a jealous frame of mind. Be proactive instead of reactive. Going out with friends and coworkers to maintain some outside friends is also something that needs to be discussed and agreed upon, by both people in a fair fashion. The BP may wish to have veto power, but there needs to be a certain amount of trust on their part, or it becomes too one sided and not really a fair negotiation. Both people need to have some outside influences, or the relationship is too emeshed and controlling.

5.   The BP also needs to practice asking for the support and attention they crave, instead of attacking and accusing. The two of you can come up with a prearranged signal or phrase that will be easy to say and remember, that will alert the partner that the BP needs some attention and time. This too, can’t be abused though, and needs to be within reasonable limits, or it will become too much of a burden and the partner will begin to resent the demands.

~~  Important... .If your partner becomes hostile or abusive - at any point in how they speak to you, then it is time for a TIME OUT  (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=84942.0). There is never any justification for our partners to become abusive towards us, and we never want to try to validate abuse.

None of these are any guarantee that things will get better. It will take work for both people to break the habit of jealousy and distrust. The more open both people can be, the more trust that will be built. Trying to see things from a position of love and acceptance goes a long way in meeting each partners needs. If the BP isn’t willing to accept certain boundaries, or, if they aren’t making progress towards more trust, then things may have to be rethought, because a relationship with jealousy and mistrust as a central part of it, can’t survive.



Refernces:

* www.lovenemotions.com/dating/jealous-girlfriend-what-to-%20do.php

* The Truth About Deception.com

www.truthaboutdeception.com/question/quick_answer/how_to_deal_with_a_jealous_partner.html

* From: Dr. Frank Gunzburg

www.savingmymarriagenow.com/articles/dealing-with-a.html

* www.drphil.com/articles/article/315

*depression guide.com

www.depression-guide.com/relationship/jealous-husband.htm

*What to Do When Your Partner's Jealousy Threatens to Destroy Your Relationship

by Monica A. Frank, Ph.D.

www.behavioralconsultants.com/partner's_jealousy.htm

* Adapted from Overcoming Relationship Impasses by Barry L. Duncan, Psy.D., and Joseph W. Rock Psy.D. Copyright (C) 1991 by Plenum Press. Reprinted by arrangement with Insight Books, a division of Plenum Press. www.medicinenet.com/script/main/art.asp?articlekey=34702&page=5

" i plan on dying Young" this is something i heard many time, i don't see myself being old" is this something you guys experience? Is it common?

The most ridiculous thing I have ever been acused of is having a negative attitude, thereby causing an accident which even the insurance companies determine to be the other person's fault. I was really having a great day. I was feeling good. I had a positive attitude. My BPDw was at work. I did some errands. I exited a freeway where there was a stoplight that was red, and other cars in front of me had stopped. Naturally, I stopped to wait for us to get the green light. Suddenly, in the back mirror, I see this car not stopping, and she hit me at about 30 MPH. I got a whiplash condition, and I got treatment for it. Now, I am fine. When it came to taking care of the expenses, my BPDw said that my attitude was negative, thereby causing an accident. 

Oh yes, when the final pain and suffering check came in, she said that should help with our bills. UGH!