BPDFamily.com

From the title of my post, you can see that I find myself back to this message board after 3 years of not visiting here. I’m finding myself in an emotional “crisis” (somewhat) and looking for support that I don’t have elsewhere.

Quick background: I was the blackened, scapegoat child of a very ill and very cruel BPD mother. I had a horrendous childhood full of abuse, and I grew up terrified of my mother. It was a miracle I made it out alive (truly). I left home 21 years ago (at the age of 18), left my home state, and haven’t been back. I have kept VLC in these past 21 years for my own emotional safety and I have done relatively well for myself. I’m married, educated, and have a successful career. I live halfway across the country from my mother. About 3 years ago, I went through a long process of therapy, reading books about BPD, and participating on this site. At the end of it, I felt “done” with it all, and found that I was ready to move forward in life, and felt I had truly forgiven my mother. I was ready to put the past in the past and keep it there. I never confronted my mother and never had any “difficult” conversations with her about my childhood. I knew it wouldn’t be productive and that she would never admit any wrongdoing ---so it was pointless.

Current situation: I have had three brief and surprisingly pleasant visits with my BPD mother over the past 13 months. For the first time in my life, we seem to be getting along and I have been able to actually feel some sort of positive emotion for her. I feel strong and in control around her and no longer terrified of her. And she’s been nice. Super super nice. Unsettlingly nice. It’s been more than wonderful and something I never thought would happen. Our last visit was in August and it was the best visit of our lives; truly something for the record book because it was free from drama and the crazy. I had hope for the future and possibly a somewhat “normal” (relatively speaking) mother-daughter relationship. This is something I very much need given I don’t have a large support network, and don’t have a close relationship with my father.

UNTIL. Last Saturday she sent me a text out of nowhere asking me, “Was I a good momma to you when you were growing up? Did you feel loved and cared for?” WOWZA. She has never asked me such a question. I was shocked. I had two choices. LIE and give her the answer she wanted to hear. Or tell the truth and cause her great pain, open Pandora’s box of the past, and who knows what sort of spiraling out-of-control consequences! Given our pleasant current relationship, I didn’t want to go there with her. But I also couldn’t lie and be untruthful to myself. So I gave it a lot of thought and replied, “I think the past is best left in the past. But if you want to discuss it, let me know.” From there she sent another text saying “If I wasn’t a good momma to you during the teen years, I am so sorry.” Let me tell you! I have waited to hear the words “I am sorry” for SO LONG. Yet they had no impact because it was via text and I wasn’t sure what her body language was nor her tone of voice. I didn’t know why she was texting me this out of the blue nor where she was headed with all of this! I replied to that with something like, “Thank you for asking, and for the nice sentiment”. Her third and final text said something like, “I feel like such a failure because I thought being a good mom was the one thing I did right in this lifetime.” This text sounded more like the old mom I was used to; she was clearly playing victim and wanting me to jump in and tell her how wonderful she was, and is. I didn’t take the bait. I didn’t respond to that. I asked her if she wanted to talk on the phone and she said she’d call the next day and didn’t. We talked briefly today but about other things. She didn’t bring it up and I didn’t either. I don’t think she will bring it up again.

Of course, this has drudged up A LOT for me. It’s all I can think about now; I’m still reeling. I’m thinking “should I call her? Should I bring it up?” I’m re-living the past again, re-experiencing old hurts, and generally feeling both panic and pain. I’m concerned this means our new friendly relationship might be over or will be over soon? All these thoughts and feelings careening through my veins! It’s amazing how much impact a BPD mother can have on her child even 20+ years after that child has left home and has her own adult life.

I don’t have a question. I’m just coming here to be heard and to get support, and to share my experience.

Thank you for listening. If you have any words of wisdom, I’d be greatly appreciative.

Hi movingon,

Those first 18 years have literally a lifetime impact on us.

I hope as you reread your post you can see how much you have grown over the last 3 years. You can be very proud of yourself!

Perhaps also, writing all this has helped you to have some clarity on your relationship with your mom.

Hugs.

1) Be proud on what you have achieved

2) What would you want from your mother?

3) Is it truly painful confronting ur mother she wasn't a good mother?

4) Is it worth, keeping this emotional baggage in ur rucksack until ur in a retirement home?

First of all, I am so sorry you are having to go through BPD issues with family again. what stood out to me the most in your post was the line where you said:

"So I gave it a lot of thought and replied, “I think the past is best left in the past. But if you want to discuss it, let me know.”

When I have to deal with someone with BPD or any other PD. I find myself always giving my answers a lot of thought. Simply because I know the ramifications of NOT doing that.

My experience is that I always have to de-escalate the person with BPD while holding firm boundaries. part of me usually just wants to say "could you take your crazy somewhere else, we've had enough" . the rational part of tells me that making a statement like that would escalate the situation and make things worse for me and my little ones. So instead I'll say "When you call 34 times in a week and the kids don't answer it might be because they have other things that are more important to do, why dont you try calling once a week and see if they will pick up, in fact I bet they will call you if you stop calling them so much".

Good Luck to you

*)

Thank you, louise716, HarmKrakow and DontPanic, for listening and responding.

I ended up calling my BPD mother last night a few hours after posting this. I asked her if we needed to talk about her texts. She said we didn't. And we had a rational conversation, albeit somewhat guarded. She explained where she was coming from when she texted me. And she said something quite amazing. She told me she was "terrified" of her mother when she was growing up. She's never told me this before. And I have never told her that I was terrified of her. That made me realize that my mother probably treated me the exact same way her mother had treated her. I never saw that side of my grandmother. I knew things weren't good for my mom growing up but this statement alone had a big impact on me. It gave me even more compassion towards my mom, and reconfirmed my forgiveness of her actions. She couldn't give me what she didn't have.

The other important and significant thing she said last night was "I know I probably wasn't a good mother to you while you were growing up". Besides these words and her texts the other day, I have never heard her utter anything like this before. She has NEVER admitted any wrongdoing. I never thought this day would come. I didn't reply to her words because I felt she was coming from a very vulnerable place, and I didn't want know what to say.

It is clear to me that my mother is on her own healing path. I can't explain very well the impact this has on my emotions other than a feeling of intense gratitude to a higher power. It feels very spiritual and cleansing to me. As if a powerful creator entity is stepping in to cleanse us both of all the ugliness and pain from the past.

This is a lifelong journey of learning, understanding, compassion, forgiveness, and healing. The last couple of days represent another big step forward in the healing process for me, and I hope, for my BPD mother as well. Thanks again for listening.