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I wonder, if you could get 1 thing from ur ex, what would it be?

I would opt for that coffee, to talk about the past like adults. And try to have a few questions answered.

Show me a little shame.

hmm, so i should say that i don't "want" these things because they aren't going to happen  :). but if she didn't have so many issues, it would be nice to hear an apology for lying and trying to smear me to mutual friends. and also would be nice for her to stop gaining a reputation as a ho-- *) sorry about that--but i'm not saying this  :) it's terribly embarrassing for me in fact which is why i hate it. and i honestly i she's not extremely promiscuous (although i really don't know), it's just that she purposefully uses her sexuality to hurt people so i've heard negative things from several people about it. ya, it's embarrassing for me since no one (including me) knew her to be this way while we were together. go be that somewhere else where no one knows me please 

i would want her to check into inpatient therapy for at least a year and fully dedicate herself to therapy after that. her life has been hell on earth and it would make me happy if she eventually had a better life instead of this drama filled chaotic world she lives in now.

Her virginity!... .Damn I believe I missed that by several hundred men  :)

I would like to get a true confession from her that she is mentally ill and wants to take the steps necessary to become a better, healthier person by committing to years of therapy so that she may one day have a successful, happy, loving relationship with someone.

A genuine and lasting apology, but that is not possible.  It is just a dream.

There are so many, but I think the one thing I would want from my ex is for him to be able to allow me to say "anything" without being picked apart and analyzed using projection and blame   Example:  I had a bad day at work.   His answer, I am sorry to hear that.  My dream would be he would stop there at I am sorry to hear that.  But my nightmare has been he will go on about how I am a terrible employee and no one wants me there and  further more, you never . . . . . . . on and on and on.   Just to be able to say "Boo" without it being a big production.   Hope that made sense.

Our dog.

My Fathers watch and rifle. The $30,000.00 in cash and goods taken from my house in the burglary. In that order.

That's easy: Love.

The loyal and loving husband he promised to be when we married.

Failing that, the last decade of my life back.

*Sigh*... .wouldn't that be nice? 

Actually, we had that--in a perfect world, it would be lasting love.  Unfortunately, only certain circumstances can allow for this to happen with many borderlines.  Those circumstances didn't exist for us, so I need to keep moving forward without her.

I'd also like my expensive pots and pans set back--it's rough cooking pasta in a tiny sauce pan.

Priceless!  lol

I'm in the anger zone... .trying to breath and not react emotionally... .

The chance we could have had

A chance to meet her again with both of us emotionally healthy, healed from our childhood wounds and able to interact functionally as adults. Who knows ... .maybe in another life.

"Meet you in the next life ... .don't be late"

Jimi Hendrix - Voodoo Child

hazelrah, could you please expound on the "certain circumstances" you're referring to?  thanx!

Her to get treatment and acknowledge there is an issue. For me, I'd want acknowledgement of the things she did and apologies. If I had to choose either, I'd choose the former.

I don't think there's anything I really want from my ex.

I wish I could get back over $10K I blew on buying her a new car two weeks before she told me she was "done" and four weeks before I found out about her affair. Economically separating, we of course did not keep it, and I lost more money on getting rid of it for a cheaper car.

What Waifed said. I do truly want him to recognise he has mental health problems get himself seen to and get on the righ path and one day be happy and healthy enough that he can meet someone that he won't treat badly. I wish the same for myself too that I can heal from this and be able to want another relationship with a good man. That would be nice.

Me neither!

What I wanted I already got - and that is - I found my answer as to why I persisted with him the first place.  I don't need an apology, an explanation as to why it failed. I know why it didn't work from his perspective and I know why it didn't work from my perspective.

We were two souls who met for a very good reason - to finally break the pattern of why I chose toxic relationship. I no longer see myself as a victim of circumstance who got played. I was part of the problem.

Wanting nothing from ur ex is also wanting something, meaning, nothing :)  lol

i want my dignity back.

Did she take it? Did she steal it?

I think by saying wanting to have ur dignity back, you already got it back no? A r/s with a pwBPD only highlights your weaknesses, it's not clever enough to take your dignity. You might have given it to her, but she had no idea, that's what I believe :)

A refund of seven plus years including the quarter million dollars.

Good call - I wouldn't mind my money back either!

In a way, maybe, I wouldn't want my money back. If there is 1 thing in life completely pointless it's money. Money makes enemies, f_cks up lives etc. If you lost a quarter of a million, you can make a quarter of a million again.

HK it's not the money it's the principal. She didn't deserve it. It was one of those lopsided things where she contributed zero. I would settle for half but I really want it all. Money is a poor trade for time. The seven and a half years. We're all just dreaming here anyway so I'm dreaming big. We ain't going to get nothin but grief from our exes

IF I could get 1 thing from him... .

it would be AWARENESS of his part in the dance... .gracious acknowledgement of what he received in the r/s, acknowledgement of the huge gap between what he said to me and how he acted, and an apology for being so hurtful in the way he discarded me.

(I guess that's 4!)  

Turning this around to myself... .I would like from ME:

- Awareness of my part in the dance

- Gracious acknowledgement (to myself) of what HE received from me in the r/s

- Acknowledgement of the huge gap between what I said to me (that I loved myself) -- and how I acted (I allowed someone to treat me abusively)

- An apology to myself of how I discarded myself when I put up with unkind and hurtful behaviors in order to receive "love"

Mate, I wish I was dreaming, where I live it's 3.10AM in the morning.  :'(

But i fully get ur point.

no, of course technically and literally she did not steal it.  but in a sense, yes she did.  i knew nothing about cluster b or disordered people when i met her.  (ok, YES there were some red flags but i had NO IDEA the severity of what they signified or what layed ahead for me if i stayed).

pwBPD, with their Intermittent Reinforcement, it gets us hooked.  it's basically abuse.  we were emotionally abused. emotional abuse victims. in that sense, yes, she mind fvcked me up one side and down the other before i even knew what hit me, so yeah in that sense she stole my dignity.

do i expect her to give it back?   no, of course not.  she doesn't have it!  (but even if she did, she wouldn't give it back,  lol!  pwBPD keep everything, like some kind of hoarding, object constancy or something).  trying to get my stuff back was a nightmare.  h*ll i couldn't even get her to let me give her stuff back to her ~ had to leave it on her porch.  ostrich in the sand, the BPD version of Avoid Avoid and don't forget to Deny while you're at it)... . i'm the only one that can get my dignity back.  workin' on it.

OTOH, using wiki definition, all of us may have lost our dignity (see bolded below) as i believe we did NOT receive ethical treatment from our ex's, and that we were vulnerable people, and that we were not rcv'ing the proper degree of respect - even by ourselves.  but perhaps i'm just mincing words?

www.en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dignity



Dignity is a term used in moral, ethical, legal, and political discussions to signify that a being has an innate right to be valued and receive ethical treatment. It is an extension of the Enlightenment-era concepts of inherent, inalienable rights. Dignity is often used in proscriptive and cautionary ways: for example in politics it is usually used to critique the treatment of oppressed and vulnerable groups and peoples, but it has also been extended to apply to cultures and sub-cultures, religious beliefs and ideals, animals used for food or research, and plants. Dignity also has descriptive meanings pertaining to human worth, although there is no exact or agreed upon definition of this worth. In general, the term has various functions and meanings depending on how the term is used and on the context.

The English word "dignity" comes from Latin dignitas by way of French dignité.[1] In ordinary usage it denotes respect and status, and it is often used to suggest that someone is not receiving a proper degree of respect, or even that they are failing to treat themselves with proper self-respect.