BPDFamily.com

I my journey through suffering I have been looking for the truth of myself. I want a thourogh understanding of my own feelings and a critical analysis of myself. As a whole.

Questions remain. Answers can only come from within me. I am attempting to master my feelings,thoughts and behaviour. My goal is to eliminate my own toxicity to my self. I can see some of it, however, the picture isn't always clear, especially when I don't like the answers that I come up with. I know that I am being honest with myself when I don't like the answers that I come up with. I find ways to rationalize destructive feelings, thoughts and behaviour. I justify this by being successful. I know that this is only temporary but I'm happy for now. It isn't hurting me so it must be ok. The same way an addict justifies using drugs.

 

It's true that I have chosen toxic partners. I have made horrible choices. Knowing beforehand that these people were bad for me but proceeded anyway. That is how I am toxic to myself. It all seemed like fun and games at the time.

I am ashamed of myself for playing God thinking that I could make a home ("wife", kids, grown up responsibility) with a person who from the beginning admitted to what I call a pathological fear of marriage (read: commitment). Who I knew was emotionally unstable, yet I chose to have a child with her... .then another. And now it has all blown up due to some of her core BPD fears: abandonment, cheating... .which since I didn't the script in her head resulted in she becoming the physical manifestation of the two. My own script said that I could make it work when really, this was the only end result. So I focused on the ideal, rather then the foundations (or lack thereof) upon that such an ideal and end goal required.