BPDFamily.com

What do you think a r/s between two people with BPD would look like?

Your perspectives and ideas may provide new insights.

Would they validate or invalidate each other?

Would they blame and attack each other?

Would they each feel abandoned?

Would they both heal each other by applying SET and not JADE?

Would they be forced to see themselves in the mirror and introspectively reflect and realize they have the disorder or blame the other for having the disorder?

Does anyone have knowledge of this type of relationship?  Do pwBPD always select nons as partners?

My uBPDh was formerly married to a dNPD woman for 7 yrs.  Its not two BPDs but close enough. 

It was an utter TRAINWRECK.  They each each spent most of their time analyzing the others psycho behavior and playing victim and convincing their respective friends of how bad their spouse was.

It might have actually been funny if there weren't three kids involved.  All three kids are insecure emotional trainwrecks.  Not surprising, very sad.

Sure, it is possible that 2 persons with BPD are together. Many things in life are relative, in my opinion, so one of both will have the caretaker role.

I think its good to keep in mind, we are all humans. We fall in love. We often fall in love to someone who is a big challenge for us. We are all suffering from time to time.

I agree that one of them will eventually take the role of the emotional caretaker while the other will take the role of the victim, blaming and attacking to avoid the pain and cope with the emptiness.

I am interested in exploring what does it take for a pwBPD (in a 2 BPD r/s) to transition into the role of emotional caretaker?

Validation or invalidation from the other pwBPD?, etc.

Perhaps we can discover some valuable insights.

I think, possibly taking the caretaker role goes automatically, it is not a conscious decision. And perhaps it is not a stable caretaker, perhaps with sudden mood swings too.

And about Validation: I know some so called normal people who probably never heard about validation. This is not so wide spread anyway.

May I ask you, Dr.Me2, what kind of insights you are looking for through this example?

I am looking to some insights that can shed some light of how would a person with BPD can yield somehow to understand what others feel around them when the same disproportionate rage, violent behaviour and negative projection is reflected back at them.

A clue if the same pwBPD who is desperate for compassion, support and empathy, at some point can transition to provide the same to another pwBPD or learn from the dysregulation of the other pwBPD.

Is the question, how would two people afflicted with a disorder characterized by relationship instability and emotional impulsiveness do in a relationship?

One might expect an incredible honeymoon period followed by growing disillusionment and resentment toward each other.  There would likely be great ebbs and flows of emotion.  The emotional immaturity could drive the fantasy to great heights and a the fall to great depths.

Taking the question a bit further, how would any two emotionally immature people do in a relationship?  

Probably not much different.

Murray Bowen, MD, the father of modern family theory,  defines emotional immaturity as unrealistic expectations.  He also believes that people mate with their emotional equals - not that mates are the same, but they operate in roughly the same realms of emotional maturity.

Family theory is pretty sobering.  Who we pick as a mate says a lot about ourselves.

I agree that the honeymoon period (idealization phase) will be followed by a short clinging and then a resentment (devaluation phase) period, being emotional immaturity the driver to great heights and greath depths.

This suggests somehow that one of them will be somehow leading or contrasting the other in emotional immaturity. Making it possible for one of the to mature further emotionally.

Unrealistic expectations can polarize them both, the disproportionate rage and outburst of anger, blaming and attacking by the less emotionally mature and the withdrawal, confusion and relentless quest for understanding in the slightly more emotionally mature. Feeding each other's emotional immaturity and somehow contribute also to its further development, until one gets further from the other.

The question then is what are the dynamics at play where one of them has somehow develop further emotional maturity from the very exhaustive and debilitating inter dynamics that took place.

Can a pwBPD in a r/s of 2 pwBPD learn or transition t validate the other ?

This is pretty theoretical and I don't know that one could conclude that this type of relationship would cause one party to become more emotionally mature in the course of the relationship.

If you read the Leaving Board, you will find many member cases where there relationship brought out or exposed our members own emotional immaturity.  When we see emotional growth in these members, it is after the relationship ended and they grieved and "did the work".  On the Staying Board, most members come here in a devolving situation - the most successful of which work outside of the relationship to grow emotionally.

If you read a good BPD recovery board, you will see a similar pattern - that a highly traumatic relationship failure (or loss of kids, or failed suicide attempt) is often what drove the person to "do the work" and develop their emotional maturity.

May I ask how this model that you are postulating relates to your own family situation?  What are you thinking?

I acknowledge this is a theorical topic and although it does not relate to my family model, since my uBPDw shows 8 of the 9 Symptoms of BPD and I somehow admit have some of the narcissist traits, the r/s between 2 pwBPD intrigues me a great deal particularly in understanding at what point empathy in a pwBPD can potentially emerge.

Is is possible for a pwBPD to develop emotional maturity during a breakup or NC? What would it take for a pwBPD to be exposed to his/her emotional immaturity during such period?

I found a new insight to this question in the book "Stop care taking the borderline or narcissist" by Margalis Fjelstad

"Two borderlines in the relationship would each try to outdo the other in being a victim, and no one would be in charge or responsible for anything".

This is in the context of a triangular model composed by the Persecutor, Victim and Rescuer Drama.

Interesting reading