BPDFamily.com

What is the most productive way to respond to my uBPDgf when she states that she wants to die. I know that threats need to be taken very seriously (911), but what about when it's not that. After she says this, when asked if she thinks there is any chance of a suicide attempt she assures me no, am I just fooling myself into believing this? She has told me before when she thinks there is a chance she could harm herself, and we discuss her checking herself in somewhere, but after awhile she calms down and when her emotions regulate, she no longer feels this way. I don't want to overreact, because I like when she shares exactly how she feels. Also should the response be different when she is dysregulated, versus when she is just having a depressed day but seems very aware?

Thank you.

Hi Border_Lover,

It's gotta be scary and sad hearing your girlfriend say she wants to die   I'm really sorry to hear that this is happening.

None of us are mind readers or can tell if someone is serious about suicide, unfortunately; it's out of our control.  It's probably best to be handled by a professional.

Have you had a chance to read through this?  Safety First (https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/safety_first.pdf)

Take good care of yourself, too... . 

hi border_lover, I'm so sorry you have to endure this right now. I'm not a professional and I don't know your uBPDgf's situation but I can tell you what happened with my uBPDxbf, which was very similar.

he used to say "I want to die" VERY frequently, and like your uBPDgf he insisted there was no real risk of carrying it out. I wanted to believe him but felt very afraid bc I knew he'd attempted several years before we met. thankfully he never hurt himself in any way, despite threatening to do so (literally) hundreds and hundreds of times. also, I totally know what you mean about "I don't want to overreact" -- I felt that way every time he brought it up. please know you are not ever overreacting if you're taking meaningful steps to prevent a suicide.

sometimes I think "I want to die" was less a precursor to a suicide attempt and more his way of saying "I need to arouse a certain reaction in you now," and once he obtained it the feelings subsided and he was ok. but that's just my experience. good luck to you!

I know what you mean, it is common. Not a threat just a way of expressing a feeling of hopelessness, lack of self worth and depression. My partner does this, and i generally stay away from problem solving mode and try to show closer interest in what she is feeling. Its almost a kind of depressed venting.

Does it come and go, or is it a long term set in issue?

Is she on any anti depressants, or any other meds? If so these may need to be reviewed, or even considered.

Thank you all for your kind responses.

It's been a long time issue. Usually towards the end of a dysregulation, or during the empty feeling after dysregulating. I usually try to assess if it's like you said, a depressed venting, or if it's more serious then that. If it seems more serious then that, I will stay with her for hours or the rest of the day and just keep things as uplifting as I can, without being "annoyingly cheerful". Otherwise I try to explain to her that these feelings will pass, and how earlier in the day she felt optimistic because things are starting to get better in her life. I do whatever I can to get her to see the positives, while letting her know I know she's suffering and I care about her.

She's been on 40g of Celexa for about 4 months now, she was on Paxil for 6 months prior to that, but switched due side effects and a visit to the psych ward due to self destructive behavior. She will be trying out 5mg of Abilify starting tomorrow, so I have my fingers crossed that she will get some benefit from that. I've heard both good and bad about it, but I suppose that is all meds so we will see. :)

My husband does this too- today actually. I am at work so it was over text message. I told him to still keep his plans to hang out with his friends and that I would check on him later. Then I told him I was hugging him with my mind. :) he sent back an "I know" with a smiley face. Later when I asked how he was he said he was feeling a little better. I have learned that when he gets that way to not be a problem solver or try to go overly cheerful. I just try to use SET and stay calm. When I get emotionally distressed it makes him worse. I show love and support then leave him alone till he wants to talk. It took me a long time to learn this. - pecia