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Our BPD d17 has been out of the house for three months now, living with her uBPD bio mom.

She started taking a driver training course out of the blue after refusing for a year while she lived with us.  (I've been told her mother insisted or she couldn't live there anymore, but can't confirm.)  She paid several hundred dollars to take the course, which puzzled me because she hadn't yet obtained her learners permit when she signed up for the course.  As soon as my husband told me that she was taking the course, I knew immediately (unfortunately) that she wasn't going to finish. I wasn't being pessimistic, it's just the reality of her behaviour.

It turns out that you can start the course as long as you then get your learner's permit within a few weeks - if you don't get your learners permit, you can't continue taking the course.  So I wasn't terribly surprised to find out yesterday that the very day she was meant to go and take the test for her license, she ended up with a blistering rash over her hands while at work. She works in a restaurant, and claimed that the rash happened because she was cutting hot peppers. She was sent home, and missed the appointment, and of course hasn't rescheduled another. 

What disturbs me is the lengths that she went in order to avoid this test.  Of course the rash was NOT from cutting hot peppers - it's a restaurant, they can't serve food to people that causes blistering rashes!  And no, she has no allergies. My husband thinks she might have put her hands in scalding water. That is entirely possible.

How sad for her that she is so unable to face the truth, that she would rather harm herself than ask for help.

I don't have any questions for you, I didn't write this to reach out for anyone's help, I'm just relaying the story so that you might not feel alone if your child does the same. 

Maybe I wrote this just to share that radical acceptance has made situations like this so much easier for me and my husband.  It doesn't mean that we agree with it, or that we like it, but we accept it is what it is.  This time, we didn't get mad, we didn't get upset - we just accepted that she harmed herself to get out of something she didn't want to do.  It's not a pleasurable experience to watch someone you care about harm themselves.  And it's not easy to watch them refuse assistance at every turn.  But it's not about us. 

The bane of our parenting existence: the inevitable truth that it's not about us.

I am so sorry Bonus mom, it must be painful for you to watch nonetheless... . 

While I agree with the majority of what you are saying, may I challenge a couple of your statements?


As bizarre as it may sound to us, her reality may be different: her faulty coping skills and black and white perceptions might be so different that she may be facing the decision of "go to the test and fail (unbearable pain), or get out of the test by having an 'accident' (bearable pain - no blame on her)" and that she is in this tunnel vision, and asking for help is not in her toolbox of problem-solving. Which is very very sad and painful to live with.


It may be more of 'she harmed herself, to get out of something she was not able to face'. There are different reasons for their inability to ask for/receive help. But it is more of the inability to receive (for various reasons), rather than stubborn refusal.

Does that make sense?

Maybe she is just not ready to face the anxiety she has about driving, and there is not the ability on her biomom to hear this. For me, this is the most sad part - the lack of validation of her needs in this.

What level of contact do you have with D? I cannot imagine the pain of this for you. Yes, you can accept this - the pain is still real. Take care of youselves.

qcr

Thank you ladies, although I didn't think I needed it, hearing a little bit of compassion from you both means a lot to me. 

Yes pessim, I'm sure you are correct about her motivation. You articulated that much better than I was able.

Qcarolr, I agree wholeheartedly that her bio mom is erring in her insistence that our daughter obtain her licence. She continues to insist, and it does make me sad. Who knows what our daughter will try the next time she wants to avoid the test.

It's true the pain is there despite our acceptance of what is happening.  "I wish" crosses my mind often... .But of course, the decisions she makes are her own. Thank you again for your compassion.

How's your current r/s (relationship) with your daughter?

Do you think she would appreciate you calling her and just chatting, without offering any solutions or any specific help, and perhaps just letting her know you want to be there for her?

Can I ask why it was important for your d to get her license? It seems there was pressure on her to do this. I am just not sure the reason for this.

Her bio mom, who is uBPD with narcissistic traits, insists that she get it if she wants to live with her.

Yes you stated that but you have still not told me why? That is the question why is that something that is necessary to be able to live with her. You also said you had tried to get her to go too.

I don't think you can understand why she SI until you understand the whole problem. It seems like people had a fear she might not be able to accomplish this task but still there was pressure applied for her to get her license.

If we can not learn from these thing then this is a pattern that will keep repeating.

I am not sure why she left your home or why she is now living with he bio mom but to truly help you need to look at all sides of the problem.

Hi jellibeans,

I think you misunderstood my post. I wasn't asking why my daughter self harms - just commenting on how sad it is for us that she does it.  And her bio mom is a hot mess of her own, she's as self centered as they come.  That's probably why she insists on d17 obtaining licence.  She likes to keep the kids under her thumb. Who knows.

Thanks,

Bonus mom

Dear Bonus

I understand your post... .it is sad that your child SI. When my daughter first started cutting I was in shock and had not even heard of this kind of behavior. In the beginning it can be very alarming but after the shock wears off that is the time to look at what triggered her to SI. That is the point of my post. I understand she no long lives with you but I still think you can be of help and suport to your daughter.

How sad for her that she is so unable to face the truth, that she would rather harm herself than ask for help.

I think pwBPD don't know how to ask for help to some degree that is why it is important to look at how we interact with these kids and what kind of environment they are in... .It sounds like her bio mom is struggling herself and is probably creating a very invalidating environment for your daughter.

Do you have any relationship with her bio mom? What is the relationship you have with your dd now? I am sorry for so many questions but I am unclear of your situation.

It is really sad that your dd's bio mom insists, and your dd doesn't know how else to cope... .

On the other hand, it is fairly predictable when two disordered individuals are interacting.

Thank you for sharing your sadness Bonus Mom. Grieving and taking care of our own needs, and healing the hurts is an important part of our journey as parents of children w/BPD.

Mental illness takes a toll on our lives as parents.