BPDFamily.com

My 33 year old daughter with untreated BPD escalated the drama and fighting. She cut off ties with us and I am always now worrying about her well being. She sometimes texts me that she wants her stuff in our attic. It has been so painful lately. She takes her rage against her father. She is jealous of our relationship and even the dog. We have tried validation and limit setting but it just gets worse. In fact we are in danger of being hurt when she goes into her rages. She has stolen from us too. I have not responded to her texts. I am hoping she comes over in a rage so I can have her committed and get the help she needs. What is so sad is she had a wonderful childhood and we love her so much. She ran off with a crazy (BiPolar) boyfriend in her early twenties and when she decided to talk to us she was nearly homeless from years of abuse by him. That is when we noticed a significant personality changes. How can we help her and remain safe? We feel she is capable of hurting us physically. She assaulted her father to many times.

Hi mom59,

It's distressing when we fear for our children and at the same time fear for our safety... .I am so sorry you are going through this. It is natural that you want to help your daughter.

The best way you can start helping her is by keeping yourselves safe first, and then taking it from there. When we get pulled into the chaotic vortex with the person with BPD, it is not helpful. We need to stay safe and stable in order to be able to help them. There is a couple of workshops on that topic that you might find helpful. They were first developed for romantic partners, but I think they hold very helpful information for anyone:

TOOLS: Domestic Violence Against Women (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61403.0)

TOOLS: Domestic Violence Against Men (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=87480.0)

There are lots of other resources here on the things you mentioned - validation, boundary stetting etc. (when you look to your right, there is a panes with different lessons you can click on and explore too. There is lots to absorb and it all takes time. For right now, I just want to let you know that what you are experiencing is normal - before things get better, they often get worse - especially if we are trying to set limits/boundaries... .

Let us know what you think, feel free to ask questions, we are here to support you.

I have to agree - your safety has to come first. I have called the police to our home many times.  My dh (dear hubby) and I have only pressed charges once (when DD27 was 17 - dear daughter age 27). Maybe if your DD wants her belongings - have others there with you and work out a time for her to get them.

As you learn the tools to the right, and find ways to continue to take care of yourselves, there is hope things can get better with your D. And if she remains in a no contact or limited contact with you, there are tools to help you accept this and lessen the suffering you are currently stuck in.

So many of the parents here have been where you are. Many of us have been able to move forward in our lives, and by changing ourselves and how we respond to our BPDkids, some have been able to change as well.

My DD 27 is can be violent in her needs to defuse her overwhelmingly intense emotional dysregulation. There are many triggers for her both with her relationships with dh and I as well as with her friends - mostly the boyfriends (bf). I have learned to let go of many of my worries about her when she is not in contact with me. The outcomes of her life are totally beyond my control -- these worries have no ability to help her problem solve. I practice daily letting them go. And I then I can be here to care for my needs and those of the others in my family.

Please keep coming back. Let us know how you are doing. We understand - we care.

qcr

Thank you all for the support! I will look over the links.

I, too, had to call the police to my house, twice in one month about ten years ago.  I probably should have called them a year ago when DD nearly ran me over with her car, but I didn't. 

If you truly fear for your safety (and I've been there), you absolutely should call the police.  I agree with qcr's comment about having someone there at the house with you when she comes over, maybe another relative or trusted friend. 

Thank you all for supporting comments and wisdom. I am doing okay but the holidays are coming :'(. i will practice letting go and just pray she gets help. She will need to do this on her own terms and not because we forced her into treatment.

We feel safe and that is right now an awesome feeling!

|iiii That's good to hear!


That is a wise approach... .The holiday season does make it hard. We will be doing the same.

I was watching this video recently (actually there are two parts to it), you might find it helpful:

VIDEO: Helping your loved one seek professional treatment Part 1 (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LdVj8gXsETs.htm)

VIDEO: Helping your loved one seek professional treatment Part 2 (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ppculi-Os2g.htm)

BPD daughter called last night after 9 months and came over with Christmas presents for her Dad and I. Acted like nothing happened and picked up where we left off. The 9 months of separation never was mentioned. She was talking a mile a minute but it was a pleasant visit. I told my husband we are going to enforce some boundaries and he cant let her over the house without me being present. What other suggestions does anyone have?   

mom59,

What a wonderful thing that she came over with gifts. I am glad that she has reached out to you while things seem to be going better for her. Even though it is likely an up time in the roller coaster of your DD's life without the treatment you so desire for her, embrace this without judgement.

It is so much easier to meet my own DD27 in her good days when she is not in my home - and in my face on those bad days. We are so grateful that others are in her life with treatment options. It is still up to her to 'show up' and do the painful work of recovery. Little baby steps - TLC's (tiny little changes; tiny little celebrations).



There is a conflict, a very common one too, between these two posts.

  Knowing only your DD can choose to change and practicing letting go of your desires for these changes - ie.

accepting treatment.

  Setting some boundaries. She already knows she cannot be in your home when she is dysregulated and angry. This is a core boundary. What others do you have in mind?

  She can only come if you are there. Can you ponder the motivation of this desire? Fear you dh will not be able to manage the situation? Fear that she will lose control and the police will again be needed?

Letting go of my needs to control every aspect of my relationships to feel safe is one of my greatest challenges. - This is a daily practice of mindfulness for me. This practice includes some private time each morning for prayer and reflection on the important relationships in my life. Contact during the day as needed with someone in my support network. This could be dh, my T, here on this board... .Finding the motivation to take excellent care of myself - eating, walking, sleeping, breathing.

Who do you have in your support network? I cannot do this alone any longer.

Hoping and praying for you to accept your DD as she is in the moment of contact, and a joyous Christmas for you and your dh.

qcr  

Today daughter calling and leaving messages that she needs money like $200. I am not answering because this is one of her habits to come bearing gifts then next day needing money. She has a pill issue and so I prefer not to give her money when ever she runs short. She doesn't even wait to see if we will be home. Just states on my way over... .Need our boundary today. Maybe she will learn to confirm we are available instead of just showing up. We decided to go out. This is so stressful. What should I do in the future to stop this behavior?

Dear mom59,

First, I want to say, I am happy for you that your dd reached out and came yesterday. That lets you know that she is the kind that will come back after a breakdown (a lot of our persons w/BPD do this - leaving the relationship, saying it's 'forever', or "dont't ever contact me again", etc. - they mean it at the time, but they usually change their mind).

So, if this happens again in the future, it will not be as painful and devastating, as you will know it is temporary.


|iiii This is a good first step to creating some boundaries. As you practice, it will get easier. (and you are absolutely right - it is VERY stressful in the beginning)  

When you do speak with her, I would validate her feelings of disappointment that you were not available. And keeping that connection with her, I would say "I want to be there for you, and I want to plan our schedules better, do you think you could call us when you are planning to come over?"


If her calling ahead of time is important to you (especially since you have safety concerns);

the key is to consistently NOT be available when she doesn't call ahead. You cannot control her behavior, but if she does not get what she is aiming for, she will learn to adjust her behavior.

Another question is, how to go about "not being available."

1. When things are calm, you could have a straight talk with her, and tell her that when she is planning to come over, you need to know ahead of time. That conversation might be stressful, and has a potential for a fight. So, you would need to be ready to: validate her feelings while keeping that boundary intact, knowing that you do not need to justify "why" this is necessary (it is something you need for yourself). And be ready to exit that conversation if it escalates too much, and try again another time.

Here are four workshops that might give you a better "know-how" for these situations:

COMMUNICATION: S.E.T. technique (https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict.htm)

COMMUNICATION: D.E.A.R.M.A.N. technique (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=160566.0.htm)

COMMUNICATION: Validation - tools and techniques (https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-validation.htm)

BOUNDARIES - Living our values (https://bpdfamily.com/content/values-and-boundaries .htm)

2. Alternatively, you could avoid that conversation, and simply be busy with something, just going out the door to run an errand etc. every time she violates your boundary, and keep repeating that you want to be available next time, so she needs to confirm ahead of time. Depending on her persistance, though, after a while, this may become obvious that this is a "game" you are playing, and it might backfire.

On the issue with your daughter demanding money: If that is a possibility, how about telling your daughter that you cannot help right now, and suggesting that you return the gifts and she can raise money that way?

Even if you tell her you are not available she will still come over and bang on the door for hours. When I finally let her in, she cried how much we hurt her for not answering. I told her that her father and I were taking afternoon off to nap and be alone together. I told her I do not have $200 to just give her. She went into a rage and verbally attacked her father. She was so disrespectful and I told her this is our house and we will not tolerate her disrespectful words. We told her to leave and she took the gift she gave her father and smashed it in the driveway. She won't go after me in the same way as her father because she thinks I have control of the money. She wanted money. I thought about how she did not talk to us for past 9 months and then suddenly out of the blue on Christmas week she wanted to be with us. I read they splice out sections of the their lives in order to pick up where they left off. I think too she needed money and figures we are the next best thing for instant cash. I know she loves us but her father feels she uses us and if we don't comply then we are useless to her.

Dear mom59 So sorry for what you are going thru your last sentence struck a core with be about feeling used.  My husband constantly told me over and over again he felt used( he Step Dad ) I myself after all these years felt used. Although both her and her husband had good jobs it wasn't money but I was the babysitter for their weekend getaways plus I watched her children for 5years full time giving up my job to help her.

The first year of watching my grandchild my daughter asked me if I would watch her late 3 days per week for her to take classes. I told her I would. Wed was not one of the days. When she didn't arrive on time I called her because I was worried and we were waiting to go out. I asked her where she was and if she was ok. She informed me she was at her class when I told her it was only 3days per week her response was to me. Not I am sorry for the mix up but WHAT'S THE MATTER YOU HAVE A LIFE.

If I said that to my mother she would have told me to find a new babysitter and read me the riot act.

I was always evil if I said no.  NO I ASK MYSELF WHERE WERE MY BOUNDARIES. WHY DID I ALLOW HER TO SPEAK TO ME THAT WAY. My husband was furious.

I have since told her after her finally blow up at me. She will never speak to me that way again. I will always be here for her in a crisis with her children but I will no longer watch her child or her dog if she ever speaks to me that way again. That was one of the mild ones.

She called not to long ago when my grandson got hurt I will always be there for her I am just realizing I can and will say no when I need to and no longer feel guilty or be abused for it

Good luck with you daughter  (Allowed it to go on to long)

Gidget

I also allowed the behavior towards us to go on too long. She left in a huff and hasn't spoke to us since the other day. I need to let the dust settle for a bit for our own mental and physical health. I won't give her money because she also has a benzo addiction. I never understood why she acted like this nice then evil in a matter of minutes until I found this forum and spoke to several Pysch nurses who care for BPD patients. Even though I have educated myself about this illness I am still very unprepared to be effective in helping her. I just wish I could get her into some kind of treatment program but I don't see that happening right now.

This is such a burden on my heart to carry around all day long.  :'(

I believe I allowed this stuff to go on for so long actually since she was a child because I saw something in her(emotionally) didn't know what it was but as a Mother I knew it was something. Also I now believe partly I to was to blame for not wanting to see her pain because I couldn't take it away she had to do that on her own(issues from her Father's abandonment) Wrong I was wrong and played a role. I was inconsistent with her and gave in I think out of guilt.

I also think I have acknowledge some of my own insecurities and lack of boundaries from growing up myself in a pretty dysfunctional house. I to was so worried about getting it right that I couldn't see how wrong I got it. I am finally since finding this board no longer beating myself up but I actually feel for the first time in my life EMPOWERED that this time I could get it right. Even with some of the issues with my husband I was the peacekeeper who wanted to fix it all and I realize now I can't fix anything or anybody they have to fix themselves. I can't take my daughters pain away and I don't feel guilty about it BUT I CAN NOW BE THERE FOR HER WITH BETTER UNDERSTANDING OF HOW SHE FEELS AND HOPEFULLY THRU THIS BOARD LEARNING HOW TO BETTER SPEAK TO HER.

It also made me realize growing up feeling like I always had to live up to my own Mothers standards to feel loved that that partly made me incapable of being a strong and secure Mother myself. It hit me like a ton of breaks. I FEARED not being LOVED by my own daughter I wanted her approval just as much it stopped me from seeing the bigger picture of things. Sad to say I had my own emotional baggage I couldn't face. I think I always faced that baggage but now I see my fear kept me from doing what needed to be done.

I remember saying to my Mother many years ago when my daughter was Young. Mom I am afraid to discipline her My mother asked me why. I didn't have to guts to tell my Mother I didn't want my daughter to feel the way I did because of the way she made me feel. Also I saw my daughter wasn't me and she would not be able to handle what I handled what my Mother did to me.

Good Luck I am realizing now before we could help anyone we have to take a good hard look at ourselves and the role our own lives played a role in it. I always thought I had it pretty together and to a great degree I did but I actually feel good about seeing the things in myself that I need to work on also I for the first time feel like I am not judging myself but learning. It is never to late for that

Love and Peace hopefully we all heal here