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Interestingly the most difficult part about ending the relationship is feeling guilty about ending it and hurting the other.  Especially because she was having so many problems in her life and that leaving her played right into her fear that I would eventually abandon her. She was so sure I would abandon her that she created an atmosphere that made me want to leave.

It's a strange dilemma to get oneself untwisted from, but day by day it's beginning to feel more right than wrong.

It's nice to wake up and realize I don't have to be responsible for fixing someone else's problems.

Yeah, I relate. But part of me still thinks too much about helping her. I know I need to focus on myself though, but untwisting myself is going to be a long process.

Yes, I felt that too; leaving her meant I was denying her the help I promised to give, the worst thing I could do, although I was too pissed when I left to feel guilty.

But digging a little with distance, it became clear that's what the relationship was based on; me helping and her accepting help, always some challenge in the perpetual chaos that is her life.  And the way I'm wired, classic people pleaser, I denied my own feelings and made her's more important, with a convoluted belief system that somehow outwardly focusing would get my needs met, get having given.  Well, that created a loaded bond between my borderline and me, doomed to implosion and failure.

And that's the challenge moving forward: how can I get my needs met in healthier ways?  Why have I defaulted to people pleaser mode, what did I learn in my youth that made that the best choice?  Everything feels different addressing those, it's a brand new world, thanks borderline.

I felt this same dilemma, though I think my breakup was easier, in that when I started spending time with a new friend, my ex called me up begging for me to take her back she was in such a state that the the things she said at the beginning of the conversation turned out to be lies 10 minutes later, then those lies turned out to be lies another 10 minutes after that. Reconciliation FAIL.

This was a big part of being able to stay in NC these last few weeks, remembering that they have to first recognize their role in the pain they feel, that most of their anguish is self-made.

You can't help anyone be happy, the only thing you can do is make them smile. It's up to them to take the next step, but we shouldn't wait around for them to do so.

So wise! I love it!  |iiii