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     It felt so real. After all the silence, I finally got to see her and talk to her. I got all the answers and validation I'd ever asked for. We smiled and laughed. And then I woke up and felt disappointed.

Is this my subconscience crying out for closure?

I've accepted moving on, and NC and whatnot. Not that I had a choice. I didn't know we were done until I got a NC order from the police.

But still, I know it's not healthy, but I YEARN like no other for her to break NC. And it's completely a power/validation thing on my end, because I don't even want to respond. But it's all I think about sometimes.

I would have screamed had that been me after waking up. It probably is your subconscious trying to show you a closure that you cannot get from your ex.

Our thoughts, often accompanied by subconscious feelings, inform our dreams.  I remember dreaming of smoking cigarettes in the months after quitting.  I'd wake up angry at myself for having broken my resolve (or thinking I had), only to realize as I gradually awoke that I hadn't.  When I was in school I'd dream of being late for a final exam and wandering around campus or through hallways looking for the exam room that I'd never find.  I'd awake frustrated that I missed an exam... .that hadn't really happened.  During times of great personal change I find I have often frightening or otherworldly dreams.  When I was enrolled in an immersive language program, the more senior students told us that we would know we were really starting to go crazy when we began dreaming in our new language.  And surely enough after a few months I'd wake up remembering myself speaking that new language fluently, though when I'd think back in that brief moment when the dream is still fresh and realize that I was babbling nonsense, although nonsense in my new language.  We find what we want or fear in our dreams, even if the reason if because we want what we fear or fear what we want.

Why yearn for contact?

If you get bitten by a wild animal which you thought could be trained but obviously couldn't, would you like to get bitten again? And even if the wild animal could apologize in any way, what meaning could it have?