BPDFamily.com

Hi guys,

My BPDex and I broke up in January, moved out in May (new bf of her moved in 2 weeks later which she apparently was seeing since December). We are co parents of 2 great kids. I had to move in with my parents and last week I (after much struggle and fixing up) have a new appartment with seperate rooms for my kids and had to really start over. I left with nothing and had to really keep my sanity while getting my ___ together.

Last monday I had the kids and my son turned 4. As a gesture of goodwill I invited her to come and eat some cake with the kids. (please note that I am not welcome in her house since he moved in). She came in congratulated, looked around, ate and left. Not a word on: good job or looks really nice. I would think that as a mother you would express you are happy your kids have a nice home now with their father.

How come these people are so cold? I was shook up the entire evening that after seven years she could just be like this. Can anyone enlighten me?

Not a lot of info to go on, but my take on what you've told us is it was obvious that you've worked your butt off creating a home for yourself and your children, congratulations BTW, she saw it, and it became clear that you are moving on and creating a life beyond her, and it hurts.  And of course BPD is a shame-based disorder, so feelings of her failings showed up, she started to feel excluded and abandoned, it was all too much, so she just went numb.  And of course sitting down and talking all that out like sane, grounded adults is not possible, had it been ever you might still be together.  So off she ran to the new attachment to engage in more dysfunction, a handy distraction that helps her repress what she's feeling towards you and the kids.

Just my hallucination; apply as needed.  I'm sorry you are going through that, but something tells me the kids have an awesome father.  It's very difficult to make sense of a serious mental illness, and you were so close for so long it's probably hard to see the forest for the trees this early.  Take care, stay here and keep talking.

In addition to being a serious mental illness BPD is a shame based disorder so many people with BPD have a powerful internal narrative based on self-hate and feeling deeply flawed. And why wouldn't they? Their relationships are always chaotic and filled with turmoil and pain; pain that they cause because of their stunted emotional wiring.

So after seven years of being together her behavior will only display more of the same because you moving forward and being the best father you can be to your kids will more than likely trigger her constant stream of deep unhappiness and insecurities. It's about that loss of control. If your ex had the ability to be genuinly happy for others she wouldn't be disordered. This should be more proof for you that her new boo isn't making her happy or giving her the great escape she so desperately wants to believe will pan out for her.

My ex treated me cold and abusive at times but I now see it as a reflection of how deeply unhappy he is and how badly he needed to "pass the potato" to not feel alone in his constant stream of negatively charged (and impulsive) emotions.

It will take practice until it makes perfect but you need to put yourself on a new path of not allowing her behavior to destabilize you or take your feet off of solid ground. Our BPD ex's (and other toxic kinds of people) live destabilize others because control is their vice. It's the emotional cliche of misery loving keeping.

Write out some goals, dreams or plans for yourself and your kids. Break them down into a small to do list and commit to action because your worth it. It will diminish the power of your ex's negative engagement and empower you towards a brighter future.

Disentanglement is challenging but not impossible. Our ex's do not have the magic keys to our happiness and they never will.

Little by little you will grow in strength and destabilize the powerful hold that your ex once had on you.

Spell

Thanks. She picked up the kids this evening And I confronted her (which was totally not satisfying).  I Said it hurt me so much that she didnt have anything Nice to say about getting my house together for our kids And giving any kind of positive feedback. Only response was: you were only negative. My ex Said it was warm inside. I said finally (because my boiler had to be moved). But she said it was a jab at her (our old house was hard to isolate?). AMD thats why she was not positive? Like really?