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And they were twins too. But I (luckily) was able to finally get her to Planned Parenthood. She used the at home method of abortion so we saw the bloody sacks after they were expelled. It was pretty rough, but in no way was parenting realistic.

I am way too young to be a parent. She had me convinced she knew her body and it's cycles and the times when she could and could not get pregnant. I was dumb. And I learned from my mistake. I am too ashamed to tell anyone. The whole pregnancy and abortion happened so fast. It's gone and I can't tell if it's worse to remember it or forget about it.

This ordeal contributes to the difficulty of the separation and the struggle to make sense of it all... .I am stuck convincing myself that she never truly loved me and this was a huge mistake. At the same time, I was months from would probably would what would've been two beautiful twins and I have learned to glorify the process of having children.

Will she never look back years from now and realize how serious that was? I am mostly at peace with the fact that she is gone, but I guess now I am wondering if this will be a life-long connection that will keep her coming back to me.

Does she understand the significance of almost having children?

Hi Smartalec,

I certainly understand how this event makes detaching and making sense of the relationship harder... .

When I was with my BPDex, she experienced pain one time as we were having sex.  I took her to the clinic, and it turns out she miscarried. The child of the man she had been cheating on me with.  It took me a long while to wrap my head around that, and in all honesty, I still haven't.  I have fleshed out most every other instance of hurt and betrayal by my BPDex, but I hold the above as my greatest shame. 

For her?  She has been pregnant once before, at 19, and chose to have the child aborted after, "Catching her husband in bed with another woman, and leaving him".  I find it more plausible that the relationship fell apart for reasons related to her BPD, as she told me the exact same story as to why things fell apart with a different man (and it turned out to be BS).  I honestly think it is just another bump in the road.  Which is truly sad, that they lead lives where traumatic things like this are not out of the ordinary.

That's heavy $hit my friend. Throwing that out there like that takes real nuts. Twice my lovers had abortions that I know of. Had a girlfriend ask me to marry her when I was 18. Told her we were too young. Never heard from her again. Always wondered about that. If she was pregnant she didn't tell me. Years later it occurred to me. I don't know if she was pregnant but she sure could have been as much as we got it on. Twice I was made aware. BPDex was so spun out on smoking speed she didn't have the ability. No termination there. Don't know if it would have been possible for her 89 pound frame to conceive. But ya... We did it a lot. No baby. I know the garbage feeling when that happens and I sure feel for ya. Just want to point out that you didn't have the abortion she did. Big difference there. She is going to feel it way more than you. Family... We all been there.

Hi smartalec

this is really tough! I think its great that you could write here about it, its one of the really brave things, admitting your feelings, specially being ashamed.

For her side we can only guess. I am sure it will affect her too, perhaps she has more defense or denial mechanism.

I think the most important thing is taking responsibility for yourself. Which you did.  |iiii

It's gone and I can't tell if it's worse to remember it or forget about it

     IMO: You must remember it.  "Forgetting" a terrible trauma like that doesn't really happen.  You end up spending a lot of effort repressing the memory and doing that can, literally, make you sick enough to shorten your life significantly.  I never deeply believed in the mumbo-jumbo about repression and even less about psychosomatic illnesses, but I faced what I locked behind a thousand doors in my mind and now my migraines are gone, I can sleep eight hours again (a miracle for me), my weight is coming down pretty easily and my blood pressure will likely soon follow. Don't make the mistake I did.  Tell someone you trust face to face about this.  Even if you don't go to church, pastors and the like (priests, Rabbis) are people who care about these issues more than you might imagine.  You might think they'll be judgemental, but that's very unlikely, actually.  They see their mission as helping people.  Work through this horror.  You're a braver person than I am (clearly), so I absolutely know you will be successful.  Stay with us here too.  We want to help.

LT   

LaoTzu, your post is so true!  Thank you. In many ways it succinctly describes the essence is this web site. bpdfamily.com, accepting things as they really are, and thereby taking responsibility for our lives. Avoiding, hiding, rationalizing just does not work.

Smart aleck my heart goes out to you and your partner.  We really snot have a choice to forget or remember, only to address or avoid. You are on the right path.

My uBPDxgf had 2 terminations in 7 months and joked the same day. She acts nice but she is a demon inside .

Traumatic things like this are everyday for her, like nothing at all. This is when the madness is obvious.

 *welcome* You both played a part Smart in the pregnancy - not just you! 

I also was pregnant at one point with my ex and elected to terminate. The reasons at the time were not clear to me but I knew I couldn't go through with it. We had so many problems in our relationship and having a child would have made it so difficult.

I am also the child of a BPD parent and I cannot begin to tell you how traumatising it is to grow up in such an environment.

I am so sorry about what happened Smart - please find comfort in the thought that your day to be a father will come - this was not it.

I am now happily pregnant and am living stress free - I am loving the prospect this time of being a parent unlike the last time. Timing is right.

Don't be hard on yourself - you are processing a big loss. In time you will see it all very clearly when the FOG clears. I know I certainly see it clearly now - yes I will forever have a place in my heart for the baby that never was however I have also accepted that it was never meant to be - it was not the right one.

What you experienced was real - process it and try not to be tempted to forget. There are many lessons all rolled into one here - ignore it and we risk repeating dating Borderline #2.

 

Smartalec... .I just wanted to add my support to your thread... .  it's a very painful road for all of us who have found ourselves here and for some, significantly more than others.  You are a very strong person who is facing your own pain and moving forward.  I wish you well on your road to healing... .