BPDFamily.com

The last year has been rough. My uBPDbf has been swinging farther from side-to-side due to conflict over his abuse of alcohol and my enabling (which I am going to Al-Anon meetings and therapy for). This culminated with me withdrawing and staying with some friends for a while. When I repeatedly said that I am not moving out and that I am fully willing to support him he, of course, heard, "I'm moving out because you are a bad person."

Within the space of a few days I went from "the best girlfriend in the world" to "abusive and unable to be in a relationship because have BPD." Very clearly, he is splitting and projecting during a period of intense dysregulation. The way I've been dealing with the black-hat-white-hat dance is to recall his opinion of me a few days prior and contrast it with his current opinion of me. In a fit of frustration, I lost my cool and told him that he was projecting (bad me!).

My question is this: Am I doing harm in calling attention to splitting? I don't think he's understanding my point while he is in crisis but is repeating things like, "No one is ever all good or all bad" going to exacerbate the situation?

There is no point calling any attention to disordered behavior whilst he is dysregulating, he is firmly locked in denial mode at that point in time. If you wish to discuss an aspect of the disorder such as splitting/projection etc. Do it at a more calm time, when they feel less threatened and are open to more insightful discussions (for some that may be never).

Pointing out their failings when they are having "issues" will just inflame things and paint you as abusive. It is hard talking about the disorder with them, don't waste the opportunity, nor associate it with a rebuttal. Otherwise they may block all open discussion on the subjected as potentially threatening

Hi the right pond,going through similar stuff with BPD friend,i am also in Al  Anon for other reasons but it helps with this illness, the only way out of our difficulties is the spiritual way,one day at a time in Al Anon.its the only relief,hope i get.

I'm glad you're getting relief from the Al-Anon meetings. Most of the time "take what you like and leave the rest" means I leave most of Al-Anon on the table and feel somewhat conflicted. As an individual who believes in the recovery model of mental health, personal empowerment is pretty key and I'm also a non-theist. I think I might just need a rolled up newspaper with DETACHMENT written on it in Sharpie to hit myself with every so often.

Ugh. Yes. My poker face slipped when he refused to go to a doctor's appointment that he'd had me make and then denied that he ever gave me permission to do so. For the second time in two years of living together, I raised my voice and said that I thought he was faking "panic attacks" and was trying to get fired from work. No bueno. Bad non.