BPDFamily.com

I am so distraught right now.   My Grandad (Paw) passed away this past Tuesday.  Well my dBPDgf was doing great helping me deal until last night.  She took it upon herself to go thru my facebook messages and see who I had talked to and totally lost it that I talked to someone she doesn't approve of.  I tried not playing into her fight but I am REALLY hurting right now.  Not only has my Paw passed but My father was put into assisted living yesterday as well due to his health being very poor.  But now she is pissed and wanting to fuss because I didn't talk to her.  I have talked to her about how I was feeling.  I was going to talk to her last night after the kids went to sleep because I didn't want them to see me upset.  Now all I hear is I have failed you in everyway.  SHE DOES THIS everytime.  The last 3 years have been pretty tragic for my family and everytime I have needed her she has drummed up something so we fuss about her and her feelings and mine get pushed aside. 

I fee like I am at a cross roads right now.  I can't take this.  I am supposed to be working right now but I can't focus.  I can't afford time off.  I don't know what to do or how to handle this.

I'm so sorry for your loss.  It's no help, I know, but I believe it is common for a pwBPD to act this way when their SO is going through a major emotional upset unrelated to the pwBPD.  In fact, my H behaved quite similarly when my own grandma passed away a couple of years ago.  It is incredibly tough in these times to deal with the fact that the person supposedly closest to you not only provides no comfort, but actually goes on the attack in an attempt to turn the attention back on themselves.  They are just not capable of being emotionally supportive in the way we wish they could, and there is really nothing we can do to change that, as frustrating as it is.

You say you are at a crossroads.  It is of course up to you to determine your own boundaries -- is this behavior a relationship-breaker for you?  If not, can you state calmly that you are grieving and need time to yourself or with your family, and then physically leave for a while? 

  I'm so sorry to hear of your loss, and other stressful circumstances.

One suggestion I've got is lock down your own communications. Don't let your gf have access to your phone, email, facebook messages, etc. You have a right to that kind of privacy.

She may blow up just as badly over your privacy as she did over seeing you messaged somebody she disapproved of, however that sort of privacy is worth it to me.

I'd also add that an untreated pwBPD seldom has the emotional capacity to support the non consistently in times of other emotional stress/pain. Are there other (more reliable) people you can turn to for support?

 GK