BPDFamily.com

In terms of your BPDs, you know their past, and they know yours. I don't know about you, but my BPDw comes from a very verbally abusive and a very physically abusive family when she was younger. I was just wondering, if your BPDs came from any abusive relationships, whether it might have been during their childhood or later on. In turn, have your BPDs acted out onto you in the same ways that others were abusive to them? There is no justification for one person being abusive to another, but I wonder, if that is one of many possible variables for their acting out so much and so erratically?

HI Samuel S

My xfiance said he was abused by his older brother when he was little.  He never went into much detail but said that it was terrifying and that his Mom ignored the situation, so he always felt like he was abandoned. 

I think that is why now  he can't trust in a relationship.

I hope that helps.  Im still sorting out his behavior to me and trying to piece things together, I think we all are.

Good luck

My BPD grew up in a very explosive environment. There was verbal and physical abuse plus alcohol and drug use galore. In the beginning of our relationship I could do no wrong. But soon she took great joy in slowly destroying my self esteem and isolating me from the world. I soon became the reason for all her pain and for everything that was wrong in her life. If one of her family members hurt her (usually verbally or emotionally) instead of confronting them, she would project all that anger and hate onto me. I became the scapegoat.

There is a biological component in behavior.

There is a learned component in behavior.

Impulsive behavior, there is likely some biological aspect to it. It can be highly problematic. It can also be connecting, taking initiative, pushing things forward... .

Invalidating behavior is problematic. It may well be learned in a relationship or the FOO. It can be unlearned.

There are many factors leading to the dysfunction known to us as BPD.

My dBPDgf was physically and verbally abused by her mother, and she claims her dad was also negligent.  Her parents divorced when she was young, she lived with her mother until mom got arrested, and then with dad.  And I think she was already angry and acting out, and her dad just tried to avoid it or tired a "tough love" approach - basically through JADEing.  Her mom was diagnosed BPD and possibly bipolar, my dBPDgf has also been diagnosed with the same, plus PTSD.

My observations and opinion:  Her BPD developed as a defense mechanism early on in response to abuse - the BPD traits seem to relate to her self-described lack of identity and a means to get what she wants in life.  And she seems to be aware of what she is doing, feels bad about it, but can't stop.

And it also seems that much of her recent trauma and heartbreak was in part caused by her own behavior and that just feeds the BPD. For example, she sometimes talks about ex boyfriends and non-romantic friends "dumping" her, claiming she is "too intense" or "too negative".  That reinforces her abandonment fears, yet if she treated those friends and boyfriends the same way she has treated me, they probably went NC in response to her rages.

So it's like this:  Abused by mom and dad, she feels abandoned and unwanted, and she learns to manipulate in order to get people to pay attention to her >>  people leave her because of her behavior >>  people leaving her cause even more abandonment fears >>  the BPD behaviors heighten as she increasingly manipulates in order to feel secure. 

Again, these are only my opinions and observations, but I think it all started with a dysfunctional and unstable childhood.

In terms of my uBPDw I do not know of any physical/emotional abuse in her childhood. What I do know is that her best friend during middle school turned on her to join up with more popular girls and what ever happened with that casue her to want to move to a different school. That didn't fix the problem as the a few of the same girls also went to the private school she transfered to.  The other thing I found out was when she was 14 or 15 her sister just after graduating highaschool got pregnant and got married. He sister/brother-in-law/nephew all moved in to her parents house and she was moved to the basement. I think that contributed to the abandenment feelings and lead to the drug use and premiscuity.