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Today I emailed my ex.  As everyone can see on this board I am having an awful time letting go.  

I basically received an email back that I was an awful person, never there for her and that dating me was a lot of work.  

I know she is with my replacement who was a friend.  She told me i need to move on and that she has no trust for me and we can never be friends.  

I agreed and told her I have no more tears to shed.  

I will never understand this disorder and how someone can love you one moment and annihilate you the next.  I actually feel used.

She left me six times in 18mo. Six times.  

If I was so awful why come back?

She came back to you because her disorder compels that behavior. Also, she knows you took her back all those times. That knowing gives her that boost, so to speak, to her returning to you.

She was projecting what she felt about herself and has nothing to do with you. It sucks that they do that; I pity your replacement and whats coming down the pike. 

Ironman,

   This time seems very final.  She really cut ne with words and told me she will NEVER TRUST Me EVER.

Actually all caps like that.

She was my first.  That is why this is so hard. I feel like I'm going crazy. Each time she left she came back. This time I am blocked from everything but email.  I mean she is dating my former friend. Why do I even want this?

She emailed "she is done.  She is gone. And I need to move on"

Wise words I am not sure I can trust.    

She is friends with all her exes. I guess I should be relieved she wants nothing to do with me. 

Letmeout,

Thank you. I keep forgetting about projection.  I need to not take this so much to heart. 

Chalk it up to experience, Earth Angel.  Live and learn.  When you feel the urge to contact her again, try playing the tape forward.  How is this situation going to play out, and how will you feel afterwards?   

Do you trust yourself?

Are you done? Are you "gone"? Do you need to move on? You get to decide, this is your life.  :)

If it was final, then why was it not final any previous time before that? There is no final when it comes to dealing with this, as you can see you had 6 rounds with her. Its only final when we keep them out of our lives. Her saying that to you, was to hurt you to the core. I know it hurts. I went through 2 rounds of it. Hell on earth.

Ironman.

You are right. She has responded to all my emails tonight.  This is a game. She is blaming me for everything and I keep apologizing. No accountability on her part at all.

I am stepping back and stopping contact. You are right. If she was done she wouldn't respond.  All she is doing is hurting me and I need to walk away. 

Earth,

I say that to you because my exUBPDgf told me at end of round 2, "this cycle ends here, this is final". I immediately asked her, "if that is the case, why did you return to me (round 2) if the cycle ends here, if it is final, why was it not final after you left round 1?" Her response, silence. I know how you are feeling. It goes round and round as long as we allow it. Ive already allowed it before. I need to get off that ride. This has been the hardest thing i have encountered in my life. I can so i imagine it must be the same for you.

Remember that the pain, resentments will go away in time. Its baby steps remember , I'm being honest, but you must go through it somehow so better be now than later on because the wounds will only become deeper but soon this urge for closure,contact will diminish... .It will happen!  Easy does it try to limit your worry time ( something i can't do quite right but looking back i realized i could do it) you feel broken but have all the possible tools to cope .

It hurts,i known   xx

The abandonment that was just felt by you was her FIX. She needed another HIT to off you. She needed that FIX so bad she projected, cheated, etc., and really really ended it this time... .for good... .however short or long. She badly needed another FIX abandoning you again, due to traumatic childhood abandonment issues. The email line is still open, to get another FIX.

Well her last email was she is blocking her email tomorrow. 

I told her I was done and this was all the closure she could possibly give me.  I seriously have no idea how a relationship can go from I love you more than anything, you are irreplaceable (two weeks ago) to wanting nothing to do with me... .saying I was toxic to HER and she is happier without me. 

That is what hurts and is so confusing. 

They set you up that way, idealize you, devalue, discard, block, etc., in order to maximize the potency for their abandonment FIX.  

I am assuming she will never contact me again and I am safe.  I just need to move on myself now. 

I have alternative questions for you, Earth Angel. She left you six times in eighteen months. Why did you take her back so many times? Why do you want to take her back again?

You say that you cannot understand her and her disorder, which is ok because we don't need to understand everybody we cross paths with in life and in fact we probably cannot. So then, isn't it more important to understand yourself?

Please understand, Earth Angel, I am NOT trying to say you did anything wrong or to shame you in any way. What's done is done, and the past can never be undone. You are so much more than just the sum of your past experiences. Isn't the future wide open in front of you, and don't you get to choose in what direction you'd like to move forward? If you can figure out which roads keep you circling back to the same dead end, then you can avoid them in the future and head in a more promising direction, right?

I hope you can figure it out because you are SO worth it. We understand your hurt because we have felt it too, otherwise we wouldn't be here. You have chosen a beautiful screen name, Earth Angel, so why not live up to it and be kind to yourself? 

If you don't get off the Merry-Go-Round, you just keep going round and round.

Thank you for all the kind words. 

I realize I have a lot if work cut out for me in repairing the person I was.  She has shredded me to a pulp and even though the is not diagnosed it us obvious there is something terribly wrong. 

Anyone who tells you they love you very much and you are irreplaceable to "I am much happier alone, you were never here for me and I am done with you"  hurts like hell.

Truth is I did pull away from her and kept busy in my life.  She had become so critical of me and mean it was hard to be around her.  She would cry and tell me how she missed me and I was so numb to it, couldn't even emote because how can you be sexually intimate with someone who just called you a stupid fu-/er? She was mad we were only spending time together on the weekends and live 3mi from each other.  I just needed an identity outside our relationship.  For a year I was so isolated from everyone esp being this was my first gay relationship.  What hurts is someone I thought would be there during this wasn't and yes I pulled away to protect what little self I had left.  Now she blames me completely.  I need to get past that. 

What do you want to work on the most?

1)Yourself?

2)Why you got sucked into this relationship?

3)Or fixated on the last things she has been doing?

I think by working on yourself, the other puzzle pieces will eventually fall in place. I can assume rationally you already realize that you are better of, emotionally that might come.

She is now with one of your friends. Only people with no respect and lack of boundaries do that. She is a POS. You have too pull yourself together and look at the facts. She is not a good person. Let someone else deal with her. Be thankful that you got out when you did.

Suzn,

I think I have no choice to move on clearly she is done.  She has never blocked all means of communication like this.  It's so hurtful and it's so wrong. 

Well, you may be very right, that these sentiments could change. Are you saying if it does change that you wouldn't trust yourself to be strong enough to resist?


This hurts fiercely, I've been in your shoes here. I can tell you back then I "wanted this" because I wanted to win. I wanted to be the victor over my so called friend. I think now that what hurt the most was my friend getting together with my ex. My friend knew what had transpired between us.


She changed the game. You said yourself this was a game and I believe you. I played the game too, it was akin to an addiction really. There was always something else to say in those back and forth texts, calls and emails. It was all circular and I played a role. As hard as it is to see this right now, removing yourself from the game is the path to healing Earth Angel.

Let her have the last word. What I didn't know at the time was that everything I said via text or email was shown to others and it backed up her saying that I wouldn't leave her alone. No one saw or heard what she had said to me first so I ended up looking like a mad woman before it was all said and done.  

The thing about communication with these people is that it's meaningless. They say A. Then they say Z. And everything in between.

Hope that your communication does stop for good. No looking at facebook. No looking here and there to see if she is even alive. Just put this behind you. It will take years to really get over it. But you can do it.

Earth Angel this is why NC is sometimes recommended for a period of time, to allow ourselves some time to heal.