BPDFamily.com

Does anyone here (fathers, specifically) have any experience on how a uBPD afflicted affects your children?

We have S3, D1. My X is still in my house... .still conducting some kind of emotional affair, where there was some physicality a few months ago. Whether or not that is still going on is irrelevant. I am trying to as gently, but firmly as possible get her the heck out of our home. But that is another issue.

She is high-functioning, even admits that she is [mentally] "sick" in addition to her officially diagnosed depression. She has, however, left me to "medicate" going to do whatever she is going to do. I think the fact that I am stable and responsible justifies her being basically like a "teen mom" in my opinion.

I've already noticed some episodes of the devaluation of our S3. She loves him to death, of course, but at least half the time doesn't deal well with his tantrums (she's like him, in that regard!). The last month, she threw out the f-bomb at him. I stopped her one of those times and sent her to her room (literally, yes, I did that). I think her level of stress being on her own for the first time in 6 years, and living by herself (when she doesn't have the kids) for the first time in over a decade will trigger something bad. I think a major depressive episode. But that won't be my problem unless the kids are there.

In the past year, before she "left" me, I noticed a few instances of her devaluing S3 and elevating D1. This makes sense due to her underlying mistrust of men... .how they've all "Failed" her (me, her father, some of her brothers, some past boyfriends, men in general, Y).

The good thing is that the other night, after I caught her "boyfriend" calling, she went into guilt and crying mode. I stated some of my concerns about her behavior. She weakly tried to project some it back onto me, but pointed out the F-word incidents and she felt guilty, Asked me to stop her if I saw her doing that to our kids. Good. For now... .

My own experience growing up with an undiagnosed severely depressed mother with some BPD traits (I have realized in retrospect these past few months), concerns me as I know what the black/white idealization/devaluation feels like and it isn't good. I had some Schizoid tendencies for a number of years, but everyone that's known me for any long time thinks I'm one of the most well adjusted persons they've ever met. So I escaped the "curse... ."

My overall question is how damaging is this to the kids, assuming a rough 50/50 split, no pun intended, of custody? And how hard it is to "deprogram" possible damage done by our xSOs? My experience was that it got worse the older and more independent (i.e., a "real" person, rather than a need attachment object) I got. But I also know how much more significant disordered attachments can be to small children. My X is a prime example... .as it is with most of our Xes. Thanks for any insight so I can prepare and educate myself.

"Children of Mothers with BPD"  (https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a108.htm)

My suggestion would spend time on the unchosen board.

Yeah, lots of us here have experience with it.  Of course a lot depends on the details.

My story:

My stepson's biodad left when he was very young, and he was raised by his mom, til I married her when SS was 18.  She treated him great at times, badly other times, and ignored him a lot.  Her boyfriends teased him.  He stayed out late, and came home after she was already asleep, so he wouldn't have to be around her.  He started drinking at 12, drugs in high school, never sober til his mid-20s.  Now he's in prison, clean and sober for 5 years - a great guy but his life is pretty horrible.  His psych evals have all showed very clearly that his addiction goes back to being treated unpredictably when he was little.

My stepdaughter was born when SS was 12.  She was treated differently - like a little angel who never did anything wrong.  She's OK, but very entitled, and she has weird beliefs that mirror her mom's beliefs - very racist, even though her biodad and I are both of a different race.  Basically everything she has - she went to an Ivy League school and is now in grad school - all came from her biodad and me, but she was sucked into her mom's victim mentality.

My younger kids - D17 and S15 - are doing OK I think.  Both live with me most of the time but they see their mom regularly.  I've focused for the last six years - since I came to understand their mom has BPD - on understanding what I need to do to help them.  I quit thinking in terms of "co-parenting" or even "parallel parenting".  I think in terms of "parenting" - understanding what each kid needs at each moment, and providing it - not expecting anything from the other parent.  This seems to be working well, but it's an ongoing thing - it's not "done".  The kids still struggle with what their mom's behavior means.

One perspective on it is, the less time they spend with her, the more clearly they see her behavior as unusual and dysfunctional.  When they were around her all the time - they were 8 and 10 when we separated - her behavior was "normal" to them because it's what they knew.

The best reference I know for this subject is "Understanding The Borderline Mother" by Christine Lawson.  It's kind of scary - it shows different ways kids can be impacted by being raised by an untreated BPD sufferer.  The footnotes are important too - there's a lot of research showing how BPD impacts kids - much higher rates of substance abuse, emotional problems, etc.