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It's been 4+ months of NC, since my exUBPDgf left me for the second time. In comparison to the first time she left me, the pain I have felt and am still feeling in the aftermath is far more intense. And the fact that I know she is disordered(undiagnosed but too many behavioral similarities that rule out anything else), has really disrupted my whole naive idyll I once had. Since then, I feel corrupted within. Soiled. Sure, my healing is progressing at a snails pace, many days I move 1 step forward only to slide 3 back. But that feeling of being corrupted, remains. I carry it around with me, now, everywhere I go. After seeing and experiencing devaluation in round 2 for 3 months, it really feels like I took all of that to heart, literally. Like it was injected right into me. My thoughts have been chaotic, so apologies if I  am rambling in this post. I just no longer feel like the Ironmanfalls I used to be, at least at the core, prior to ever meeting my pwBPD. No previous relationship before her, did I ever have this issue. She was the only PwBPD I had an intimate relationship with my whole life.

Have any of you felt like that? That feeling of being corrupted afterwards?

Diddo after 4 months, on and off best friend than love of my life,5 years in all,deep depression ... .i realised things now that kills me ,it is literally .

i deeply feel you man,and she doesn't deserve the space and time in my mind.

Yes Ironman, I walk right beside you right now. I feel as though the innocent pure beliefs I had in finding my one true love have forever been tainted and that I have been changed in ways I can never undo. I was subjected to an emotional hell and my mind was imprisoned. I feel like seeing that darkness for so long all in the name of what I thought was love has corrupted me. I have suicidal thoughts now since he is gone. I never was that person before. To me, suicide was never an option. I feel anger and violent thoughts rise up sometimes and that isn't me either. I have always been a tender hearted soft gentle soul until he came into my life. It is almost like some of his dysfunction transferred to me. I am scared I won't ever believe in love again because I sure as hell don't right now. I worry I am forever changed into this dark person who is living just on the edge of a very dark place. I also panic at the thought of my age (37) and how long this healing will take and if I will ever be myself again and if I will ever be able to love another. I'm afraid I'm "damaged goods" now. How can they have so much power and such a profound effect on us? How can they claim to not be able to live without us and promise they will never leave but then do just that and go on their merry way while we piece back our shattered psyche? I do feel he brought so much corruption and pain into my life and I hate him for that.

I didn't feel so much corrupted, but my soul felt abused. Once I realized that my ex had no right to abuse me in that manner, no matter the mental disorder behind it,  then I became very very thankful that he left my life.

Hi Ironman.  I felt broken, soiled, sad- but corrupted?  I never felt dishonest or unreliable, and that is how I define corrupted.  Maybe you are using the computer term, like a corrupted file- invaded by a virus?  I could see that.  I felt like some sort of malware had entered every cell of my being, exploding me into a million tiny pieces.  I was unable to reboot for a long time, to continue the analogy.

At 4 months along I was seriously shattered and still spiraling down the depths of depression.  I was reading these boards I think by then, but not posting.  It has been over 2 years since my relationship ended, and I am certainly not the same person I was before this relationship. I don't know that I ever will be that person again.  It is sad for me to think that, but it may be my reality.  It took me a full year to even come to a place of acceptance that this had even happened to me.  I just keep trying to put this broken and smaller heart back together, hoping for the day I can relocate and start over in a place where I won't have to see either of my PDex's.  (My children's father is massively PD'd- undiagnosed and very charming and dangerous.  I was single for 8 years before I started up with uN/BPDexbf.  Ripe for the picking, and predisposed to being mortally attracted to crazy- although exbf was a seemingly sweet waif.)

I have had to deal with a deep anger- I was always so nice and loving to everyone, that this has been hard for me.  I have had horrible fantasies of causing these men pain, both physical and psychological.  but it kind of feels ok to entertain those thoughts.  Maybe.  I've have to let my brain go to unfamiliar uncomfortable places to access healing.

Trauma like this causes deep layers of grief, sadness, and self doubt.  My heart still hurts by this betrayal of my love, as I truly did love this last bf.  I had a 20 year plan, we had wills and medical power of attorney with each other.  Oh well.  I, like you, take 1 step forward and step back 3.  I now look at it like I'm doing the cha-cha, dancing my way into health.  It hasn't been a quick process- it's hard when you're stripped to the bare bone and left to be picked over by the vultures.

Sending you love and light, Ironman.  I hope you find laughter again. 

Hi ironman... I hope you are feeling better... Yeah... .I get feelings like that too. I have never experienced any other breakup that made me feel as corrupted as this. I gotta say... I don't think she can make me feel corrupted but I feel that way. I would like to place the blame on her for my feelings but I know it doesn't work that way. She was the worst partner that I could have ever chosen. This is true. She was bad for me. I do not entirely understand what happened to me. I know she had a part. I also had a part. I believe my part is my feelings and the corruption that I feel is my own defect that she was able to uncover. It's so strange. We here that find this board have so similar stories that we have experienced so much of the same unbelievable crap. The rumination,irrational fear,anxiety,depression,anger,frustration,grief,despair,jealousy,distrust,hate,and all of the other horrible feelings that a person can have. These relationships with disordered people bring the very worst out in us. I can see this. Peace to you my brother. Good folks here... You know this.

Yes, I feel corrupted. I haven't dated much.  She was my first person in seven years. To think I went seven years and ended up with this. 

I am 38 and I would like to have children. I guess it is a real blessing I am finding this out now.  I have to look at it that way.

To all,

Thank you for simply understanding. Corrupted, is a computer term i know, maybe tainted would better describe? My thoughts have been whirling around. A god awful sh¥tty mess i allowed myself to get into. A nightmare.

This is a very simple but very profound statement.  "My soul felt abused."  I think this is pretty much where I'm at these days.

Hi IM,

I'm about the same time out of the asylum, I'm still dealing with... .abuse.

This is what abuse feels like, I'm so shocked I can't function properly. All the posts here are dealing with adult abuse. It's our fault, we made them do it, if only, I love her, she can't help it, poor her, I still care, it's dangerous for her, I still want to save her, she can't help it... .God, realising theres a monster in our lives. We have become abuse victims, I feel such sadness reading the destroyed and their journey from violence. It astonishes me that we are still lingering on the edge of destruction, looking back.

I realise I sound. Like a victim, I am. But no more ( no contact ) never again (  understanding.  )  a better life. ( forgiveness  ) happiness ( self love ).

  Ironmanfalls

I hear you, you feel corrupted and soiled.

If we stay with the computer term, corrupted files - how do deal with it? Stay away from the PC, because there are corrupted files in it? Trying a repair program? Throwing away the entire device?  Calling a friend and ask what to do?

Same with the picture to be soiled. Both are strong picture to go from there.

Perhaps you may explore this a bit further.

Now the issue is how to recover from the wake of emotional destruction that our monsters left behind.

How do we heal our souls and be whole again.

How we fight back for our lives, how we get the hands of the abussive of us. They can only do it to people who interact with them, pity them, care for them, perhaps love them. No more, it's over and we mustn't let their poison stink up our other relationships. My best friend is sick of hearing about this I'm sure , but he is a friend, a true friend. They are just abussive. Begone foul pest.

Not to discount what anyone is feeling, but corrupted and soiled are too strong and negative for me, I'm going with enlightened.  There were things I needed to learn, maturing I needed to do, boundaries I needed to build and focus on, my growth happening at its pace, and then this fcked up chick shows up, sets up camp in my psyche, and sets about undermining everything that is me.  Fcking btch.  But the upside is it turned out to be a crash course in maturation, pointed a glaring spotlight on the weak points, sped up my self analysis, and in the end woke me up and got me over some humps, funny how pain will do that, motivate us.  I needed the growth, could have done without the trauma it took to get there, but hey, it worked.  I hope she feels enough pain to make some changes, she probably won't, she'll probably just go on creating more enlightenment for people, but maybe that's OK, maybe these devils in disguise are here to push us healthy ones to higher levels.  I'm running with it.

Some relationships are unforgettable.  We occasionally find people to add to our lives that are unreplaceable, one of a kind, or not to be repeated.  It is natural to feel anger, shock and displacement when these comforting and unique bonds are taken from us.  Anger and resentment are the best places from which to initially adapt but over time the tools they provide become less effective.  With time we find the room to love ourselves more just as we let go of the things that hold us back.  And ultimately we define ourselves more by our heading than by where we have been.

I feel corrupted too.

I feel like something was taken from me, a loss, its hard to explain.

I worry that ill never find " it"again.

I feel as if ive developed a hardened shell

I used to be all soft and squidgy like a happy marshmellow, now im like a hard boiled sweet that cuts the roof of your mouth.

Just makes me realize that this corrupted/tainted feeling is a severe wake up call. Except in this case, i have awoken into a pile of sh¥t, courtesy my exUBPDgf and my flaws. It will take me a long time to remove the lingering smell, perhaps some of it will even remain to remind me that encountering someone with a disorder is a really serious matter. A scary world indeed.

Ironman:

I am so sorry to hear that you are feeling this way ... I hope a new day will bring some sense of relief. I can only offer words but, my thoughts are with you.

I don't identify with the word corrupted either ... I feel ashamed and humilated but perhaps I am just playing with semantics here. I too, like others have stated, was single for 7 years before I met the exudBPD and was ripe for the picking ... it shames me to think that I withdrew from romantic attachment for so many years only to be plucked, ripe and ready for the ex to use and confuse/betray/abandon in the way that he did.

I don't see those feelings going away anytime soon ... it cuts to the core because it raises so many questions about who I am and how/why I allowed, no craved, the crazy that was that relatonship ... it's like I knew in my heart that something was off but the joys he gave me overrode all sense of survival and protection ... so, perhaps my boundaries and self-esteem are corrupted, but I think they always have been ... but a deep feeling of humiliation and shame are what he has left in his wake.

I no longer feel right within. I never experienced such a feeling with my previous relationships which most of them were far longer duration relationships. I still felt devastated when my previous relationships ended(especially where I was the one left), but not to this level. None of them really compare to this.

I fell the same way. I have had tough breakups - I have even been cheated on before ... but I don't think even my very worse ex (who, looking back, I suspect may have been BPD also) left me with the self-doubt and confusion that this ex has.

In fact, the lack of anger actually hurts as it just re-enforces to me that he feels no real emotion ... .at least if he was yelling, screaming or ignoring, I could see that he still had an emotional attachment ... but treating me as though nothing had happened between us is a new level of humiliation ... worse, he behaves as if we are still in the relationship - intimate moments/gestures/conversation but ... a withholding of sex just compounds my humiliation ... yes, Virginia ... there really ARE people in the world who gain gratification from knowing that although they no longer care, you still do.

Ironman, I fully agree with you.

Corrupted in a way is a good word. You are not the only one and don't be surprised this feeling will last a lifetime. Some scars don't heal and you need to realize that some break ups do alter the chemical wiring in our own heads and mix up the hormone levels all shaky to levels where you feel crap, lifeless etc. These things can last forever and you might not be able to adjust them accordingly the way you want 2. Why? Because of the immense shock of a break up mentally ... and therefore the reaction physically (and mentally) basically turns you upside down and you find yourself in the midst of a identity crisis and wonder what the ___ happened?

Time heals all wounds is not always appropriate for 'traumatic' break ups. Actually, my psychologist even says that time heals all wounds is a load of hogwash for people who experienced traumatic (abusive) relationships. Trauma's are not healed over time... that's why there are things like PTSD diagnosis, EMDR therapy, etc. And as my therapist says, being with a pwBPD is equal being sucked into a fresh load of trauma.

I feel violated and abused. I am pissed at myself because I can see that the signs were all there right in front of me but I had never been in a relationship with a crazy person. These people don't care about us. Never did. They used our love to fill their need to be felt loved. Simple as that.  Because we are all kind loving people we let them use us and our supply of love. The reason it is so difficult is because our mind has a lot of healing to do. Our subconscious is slowly processing all of the crazy making and is trying to make sense of senselessness. Hopefully once the mind has healed we will feel nothing but pity for these horrible human beings (sure they may have been abused or whatever but they are horrible human beings).  

And all wander the earth ... .

Would explain why I feel like I have awoken in a world of sh¥t. Probably explains why my artwork has not returned to me, why I can no longer draw. I am no longer the same mentally.

 My thoughts have been whirling around. A god awful sh¥tty mess i allowed myself to get into. A nightmare.

Ironman,

You have to forgive yourself. You are human and make mistakes. One of your biggest hurdles to healing it seems is... .yourself. Figure out why you allowed yourself to go back to that mess. If you uncover that you can start to get your life back.  Start by forgiving yourself... .You are a good person and you thought you met the love of your life. I thought I did too. I ended  up abused and lost. But I will not give my BPD my power. Take your power back. Youre pissed?  Use that to propel you forward. You will fall backwards and that is ok but when you do tell yourself it's ok and push forward again.   You hold the key to your healing.  

I was thinking the same thing this morning, but the word was toxic.

I think the illness is contagious, to a degree, and you get "ticks" that fester.

In a way, I think they want those closest to them to feel the same way they do; misery, suffering... .

After learning everything about you, they plot how they will act out the next version

of their self-fulfilling script of their lives and sabotage the relationship.

Had I considered all the past unhappy relationships with her family and ex's, I would have avoided this problem altogether.

But, then she was too sweet... .

I smiled on this one. I remember my ex shouting, SCREAMING, YOU ARE TOXIC!

TOXIC TOXIC TOXIC! (http://www.royorama.nl/wp-includes/images/smilies/schater.gif)

yes ironman i feel corrupted. the thoroughness of this corruption is hard to express. it is simply complete, in all areas of my life. everything i do i do with a sense of defeat and dread. there is no joy day to day. all my activities - my work, my reading, my housekeeping - seem pathetic to me. my colleagues and my few friends tell me i look fine and am sounding better, which can only mean that i am marching along in an emotional straitjacket, fearful of revealing what is inside, removed from the flow of life. 5 months after she walked out on one hour's notice, almost 2 months NC, my mind has been in an insanity i don't want to describe. i assume it will be another year before i can think clearly. you're not alone. there are others in these depths. we will inch our way out.

I am with you Ironman, i too feel damaged/corrupted/soiled/broken/tainted and the list goes on. I've been away from the madness for a similar amount of time and I still feel lost. I endured two years of the push/pull and I think that coming to the realization this time that I am completely done has made it even more difficult for me. After Round 1, I was confused and hurt, but there were so many legitimate reasons for her leaving and trying to find herself that I let it go and it seemed like letting go was the right thing to do for those reasons. This time, i got so much deeper emotionally based on what she was telling me and when I started being devalued I was a complete mess. Now, I realize that she is disordered and it doesn't make me feel better. I am a shell of my former self and realizing that this process may take longer than I expect it to has made me feel even worse. I need to find myself again. I know who I am, but she's stripped away so much from my soul that I need to rebuild and the pain of rebuilding is torture.

I am with you. It feels so disingenuous to me to have to put on the brave face and confront our daily lives. I feel like a bottle of shaken fizzy water, I'm about to blow. I suffer in silence.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=BBWcWh1Giqo


Ode To Ironmanfalls:

We fall, we rise.

We starve, we feed.

On the reserves of fat that,

keep us alive.

We are shells of what we were

falsely led into heaven

just to be told wrong key.

led to the oasis,

an oasis of putrid toxic source.

corrupted we are, damaged of course

wounds will heal

our hearts we must steal.

take back what is ours,

take back what must be,

our key to love,

a love that will be.

will be free from insanity,

a love we can see

a love we deserve

love for you and me.

The hardest thing to understand in these breakups is that, often, the injury is  not coming from her  - it is coming from us.  It takes time to get our hands around this, but at least plant the seed and explore this as one possible answer.

If I remember, your relationship was a friendship that evolved into a 90 day on, 90 split, 120-180 days on, now 120 days split.  And that you had serious bouts with depression in 2009 and 2010 - before this relationship.

So, was this relationship possibly a rebirth from a dark time in your life?

Breaking Up Was Never this Hard

Is this because you partner was so special?

Sure they are special and this is a very significant loss for you - but the depth of your struggles has a lot more to do with the complexity of the relationship bond than the person.

In some important way this relationship saved or rejuvenated you. The way your “BPD” partner hung on to your every word, looked at you with admiring eyes and wanted you, filled an empty void deep inside of you.

Your “BPD” partner may have been insecure and needy and their problems inspired your sympathy and determination to resolve and feel exceptional, heroic, valuable.

As a result, you were willing to tolerate behavior beyond what you've known to be acceptable. You’ve felt certain that “BPD” partner depended on you and that they would never leave. However challenging, you were committed to see it through.

Unknown to you, your BPD partner was also on a complex journey that started long before the relationship began. You were their “knight in shining armor”, you were their hope and the answer to disappointments that they have struggled with most of their life.

Together, this made for an incredibly “loaded” relationship bond between the two of you.

https://bpdfamily.com/tools/articles9.htm

Ironman, naturally, but I can move on and up - it's a bit like standing on a ledge halfway up a mountain - we're scared, and all we have to fall back into is a black hole of a past. But... .do we feel we could really stop what is really a 200km/ph freight train, i.e a mental disorder? We can't, it will run its course, and we - I say we because I know how you feel, sir - are just unlucky; it's odds. We can say well there were numerous  red-flags, "I could have done this!" we say to ourselves BUT the truth is what happened happened and although we deal with the fallout, it's temporary.

I do not like the way it has stunted your creativity, Ironman, that is something I hope you can cure in time since that aspect of corruption -again out of your control - is denying you a potential outlet to cure/heal - I always  thought it helped with the writing of mine.

I'm three months complete no contact nearly - you are a month advanced on that -it gets scarier and scarier, like walking down a path into a woods would, the deeper you go, the scarier it gets, but one day you'll get out of  those woods, be happy... .

I had a weird dream last night - I swear, I went into our holiday apartment  and the rebound was there and I whispered: "What do you know about BPD, do you know she has it, look what you're getting yourself into;" and then he metamorphosed into a cat, my favourite animal! That's the snapshot from 3months NC.

keep writing.  its the best therapy out there, and its free. I miss your poetry.

Hey man.  Try reframing those beliefs so they aren't permanent, like why I can't draw like I used to yet and I am not yet the same mentally

Making your current situation permanent puts the brakes on moving forward and healing.  You've only been out 4 months, it's early.  One thing that helps me is to focus on a bright future without her; one way to get stuck is to get stuck in a timeframe, past, present, future, and it's easy to get stuck on the past when we're focusing on the failed relationship.  Of course it's necessary to focus on it as we purge and heal, but at least start focusing on the future as well.

Plus, great artists usually don't get great until they've had significant life experience that they can channel into their art; sure, that young whippersnapper's got skills, but where's the depth, where's the emotion?  That comes from time in the saddle; just think what your artwork will look like once you integrate your experience and its healing into it.

No pain, no gain.

Although at a certain point a man must not judge his worth by the woman on his arm but by the woman who is not.

Dear IMF,

     I noticed the change in tenor, style and decreased frequency from you and was wondering what was up. I'm generally not a big fan of the Stages of Grief thing, but I do accept that there are stages even if no one knows anyone else well enough to predict what theirs might look like.  To me, this sounds like you're genuinely starting to accept what happened.  All of you, that is, not just the rational part.  That is a big step towards getting to where this r/s will end up -- something you can put away on a shelf yourself.

     If I can suggest some arm-chair psychology, you might want to work on the need to be perfect that underlies the tremendous shame you're feeling about being tainted.  You would never judge anyone else so harshly as to suggest they had been corrupted by loving a pwBPD, would you?  Yet you seem to feel that way about Ironman.  This trait in us is almost always present, and getting to where you begin to understand where it came from and how you can mature a bit more within your personality will help you more than you could know.  By the way, your brain is working overtime to figure out a lot of stuff right now.  Let's not pick on it too much for not producing art at present.  When you get to the point of understanding what I've suggested you'll be so full of certainty in knowing a truth most people never even consider that you'll be creating art again like mad just to try to explain it.

LT

     

The depression I went through in 2009, 2010 in both years was accompanied by 2 suicide attempts by me. My artwork, the very fact that I have this talent to draw, was discovered in a psych ward that I was in following my 2nd suicide attempt(30 day stint). That artwork after I was released from psych ward really helped me heal from those 2 horrible points in my life. It literally saved me. Kept my mind here. Was my coping mechanism as I healed. I encountered my ExUBPDgf as I was really healing in 2010.

Was this relationship a rebirth of that dark time? I don't know if my answer will make any sense, but here goes: Maybe a rebirth of a different type of dark time(meaning I haven't been suicidal at the end of both rounds) so in regards to that, I didn't descend into that spiral of hell that I had visited back in 2009-2010. A dark time, yes, but not to that level. It has taken all my willpower to maintain that, my artwork would have certainly been helping me here(it helped me after she left in round 1).

Thank you everyone who replied on here. My thoughts are really chaotic.

Harm, Iron Man,

                     Yeah we are "complicated way out there" fellows... .dats a fact!  

I suppose that's why the crazy ones dig us so big. *) Moths to the flame. Eh, eh! LOL! Mercy... . 

ironman - a big 'stay strong' to you.

Iron'

When I mentioned rebirth, I was thinking in terms of salvation.

Over the years I've noticed that to many men, these relationships were a turning point from a difficult time  - a rebirth of hope and vitality and "life".  Some found a return to youth after a period of feeling their age, some found a return to virility after years of a sexless marriage, some found success after feelings of failure... .was this "hope" after feelings of hopelessness.

The reason I ask is because part of the pain of loosing the relationship is not the loss of "the girl" - it's the loss of the "youth",  "virility", "success", or "hope".

Example: I think of one extreme case type.  A middled aged man connecting with a 20 something "hottie" after a failed, sexless emasculating marriage.  When the relationship fails, he has to face the loss of the relationship but also the reality that he isn't a viral as he was made to feel and that he was basking in a false reality of idealization.  

This is a big loss... .bigger than the girl.   And it can't be recovered.

1. The likelihood of connecting with another 20 something / replacing it is statistically rare;

2. Even if another "idealization" can be created, he'll know what it is this time.

I know of two cases where this ended in completed suicide.

It was a "loaded" relationship bond.  It's not about a "crazy" women - that was just one component in a larger set of circumstances.

If type of model is us (and its not everyone here)... .seeing the bigger picture is important part of healing/recovery.

I totally agree Skip, although the ultimate meaning has been different for me.  My borderline awoke something in me that had been dormant for a long time, although the relationship was a loaded bond based on fantasy, her with her BPD and me with my low self esteem and rescuing tendencies.

But I want that, in a healthy way.  My borderline was in her 40's, although very young for her age physically, and a teenager mentally and emotionally.  Sure, a hottie in her 20's sounds attractive physically, and is, but I am at a very different stage of life than she would be, so that doesn't hold appeal long term.  Now a healthy gal around 40?  Oh hell yes.  I want what I had with my borderline, or more specifically I want the feelings I felt when I assumed she was a 'normal' girl in her 40's, and the experience gave me hope that I can have it, a true awakening, which has been the ultimate gift of the whole BPD experience.

Ironman,

Thank you for exposing so much of your vulnerability with this thread. I know how hard it is to put it out there, even when you have the protection of the computer screen to shield you. Honestly I feel this is a turning point for you right now.  You are doing more than scratching the surface of your pain and it is helping me and I'm sure others as well to look at our pain. But most importantly I think this is a moment that can create some profound healing for you.

I myself have been flip flopping between denial and feeling shame/guilt since the breakup. But today for the first time, I feel a sense of anger. It isn't strong but it's there. I was so abused by my ex and what gets me is the tender passionate love he would give, but easily could switch into a full blown psychotic raging animal within seconds. Then he would get angry the next time he was seeking intimacy with me and I was withdrawn. He saw it as rejection but I was simply terrified and confused. He had no empathy for that. And that is really making me angry today.

Just a thought... .maybe instead of art, writing is your escape and helping you right now.  I myself am a very artistic person and I have no creative urge left within right now, but maybe the channel is just different for us to provide a more rounded and fulfilling healing process. When creating art, I am always alone and in my head. We all need each other really bad right now. So I say, write ironman... .write like your hands have wings.

You aren't alone. I PROMiSE. I have cried myself to sleep almost every night and sobbed so hard I couldn't stand or breathe. I have wanted to die. Just hold on... .I will if you will.

Yes I think this has some truth in it.

For some

For me

I've felt that I have no space left to finally get the love I've always wanted. The rest who knows . The vulnerability I felt and everyone feels is the core shame when the emotional infidelity happens.

I don't feel corrupted. I feel discarded. It's as if I'm an inconvenience that has to be disposed of. He has no empathy, has never ever said 'sorry' (we why would he cos it's all my fault!) and is treating me a bit like his secreatary - finding our married certificate, sorting out bank statements etc. Then making 'sweet' comments sbout me... .ugh

I really don't want to be in the same space as him until I get over this... .

Dear IMF,

    I've read that depression is the 'program' your brain defaults to when your personality is being rewritten to some degree.  If that's true, I imagine you aren't mentally exactly the same person you were before. Why would you want to be that person, anyway?  Life is about growth and development.  

    Can you try to be a bit nicer to the person you actually are?  And please don't catastrophize about your certainly temporary loss of ability to express yourself in art; it'll be there to help you again.  I think you're a lot more than the sum of your talents, anyway, aren't you?  We all are.  

    Maybe you need to find out your 'secret identity', my superheroic friend.  Who are you, really?  An artist?  Surely, but that's something you do, not something you are.  Are you the job you make a living at?  Again, its only what you do. I have some theories about your identity I could share with you, but I want you to figure this out yourself.  There's a real person inside the suit (and it isn't a billionaire playboy).  We're here for you "RealMan" -- and for Ironman until he finds you.

LT   

This is an amazing thread to read ... .it helps remind me that my pain, shame and uncertainty are not only mine, but shared.

I love what SuperNova said: "Write like your hands have wings"

Oh how I long to have wings again ...

Perhaps my horrible ordeal that I was just coming out of in 2010 and my encountering my exUBPDgf was the collision of 2 seriously emotionally/mentally hurt individuals, me and her. A disaster was the only outcome. I was in no condition to be in a romantic relationship, I should have continued healing, I didn't, i chose instead to pour myself into her. She in turn, filled that void within me. Now I have to contend with all of that. It feels like a mountain in front of me. My art that I constantly refer to was my main coping mechanism, it is why I have relied on it so heavily. A crutch? Yes.

@ skip ~  two completed suicides... .that is incredibly sobering.  my sympathies if those were people you were close to.  

this post hit very close to home for me.  bullseye, actually.  how to pick up the pieces... . it feels overwhelming ~ it was so much easier when it was simply a matter of "that crazy POS xBPDgf used me/abused me/and ruined me; it's all her fault i'm feeling this way"!  

Skip, proper protocol, can i copy/paste this and take it to L6?

I can totally relate Iron.  Two unwell people looking to get 'saved' by people incapable of saving.  I've used the metaphor that the whole thing felt like barreling down a mountain road in a car with no brakes, knowing it was going to end in a fiery crash, but ignoring it and trying to enjoy the ride anyway.  No wonder I was stressed the entire time.

I notice your focus shifting from her to you Ironman, which is healing, and good for you!

Anything related to that hits far too close for me. That could have easily been me at 2 different points in time, as scary as that sounds. I am just glad that this nightmare for me has not propelled me down that dark tunnel that I was in before, as horrific as that sounds.

Similar model demographically (Me 42-her 26), except the previous failed marriage was neither sexless, nor emasculating. It was a long union and all things change.

No doubt though the notion of loss in this context resonates--but not so much in regards to virility or idealization. The greater loss was the dismantling of a functioning domestic family. My pwBPD came into my life when I greatly needed a helpmate. All things were developing in unison--she becoming my partner, lover, surrogate stepmother to my children and domestic helpmate. These things were all integrated, neither distinct, nor separate.

The loss of the functional whole is what matters. It leaves a void. We all are familiar with the intensity. It is not an abstraction. Yet for me it was not the crux of the loss. It is integrated with having created a life, and family with a pwBPD. I knew the day would come when the dogs of war would be unleashed. Not a glaring surprise, but like Cassandra, foresight does not forestall calamity.

I would like to address, the notion of "seeing the bigger picture." The term "corrupted" in my opinion is linked to "trauma." The degree of trauma we experienced and the method by which we process it varies from person-to-person. When trauma is conjoined with a loss of hope the outcome are often feelings of depression. Perhaps that is what is meant by corruption. Trauma coupled with a feeling of hopelessness. A place of enormous suffering.

If there was a certain way to recover from this corrupted feeling--we would all grab it in a heartbeat. Instead, it is an amorphous process. For me, the saving grace has always been an abiding curiosity. We dwell on one little miraculous planet, existing in the great cosmos. There is much to still love, appreciate, learn and interact with--until the final breath. An external attachment, albeit powerful, and painful when severed--is not the reason for living. That must always be discovered from within.