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I'm laying here laughing at how mad my relationship was. It's madness simply madness. Strange dangerous crazy making, am I hurt yes, is this normal no. Is the next guy a victim? God of course he is. When did you realise that your SO was not just nasty or abussive but out of the pram nutty?

I actually wish she was just nasty, it would be far easier to accept then the more frightening aspect that she is disordered. A disorder with such contradictions that makes you question yourself, questions your very sanity. I am still realizing it as i still have days where i refuse to accept that and that creates a whirlwind of doubt in my mind. Makes me feel so chaotic. I first realized it at the tail end of round 1. That was over 1 year ago.

Mine was/is madness as well. I was re-reading my own journal and bog today and realising that I had ignored all of the instability and wariness I felt for months and months.

I kept telling myself then that it was and either/or: either he was completely untrustworthy and I couldn't believe anything her said OR I was over-reading into everything he did and overreacting to my perceptions of those ... .when it got really nad, and I was clinging to the either/or, I convinced myself that it was my insecurities, because he would reassure me over and over.

I have just recently found out that when he was swearing black, blue and sideways that he was sorry for a behaviour that I found out about, and that he would do WHATEVER it took to fix it because he didn't want to lose me, he was actually emailing erotic stories to another woman (this didn't take so, he continued looking) ... .it's theeither/or that got me ... .when faced with an either/or situation, I chose to give him the benefit of the doubt ... over and over and over ... I stopped listening to myself and listened instead to the lies, the gaslighting and the manipulation ... yes indeed, looking back now it was crazy ...

How is it madness?

Isnt it purely biological normal sense?

Child get's abused, f***cked up time when he/she was younger prohibiting their development their brains like a normal human being. That person continues and continues to get older and older and meet a person called changingman. Changingman triggers a few ancient mishaps within the person and goes berserk at changingman. That person goes complete apesh!t and changingman is like wt@ happened here? And types all the strange behavior his/her bf/gf did and ends up on bpdfamily... .

The circle is round, yet again.

Yep!

I suppose I mean how strange is this experience

And it's a personality disorder that creates chaos for friends and family. That is madness, a serious mental disorder

Its madness! I get where your coming from changingman, sometimes I lay here in bed, thinking of all the utterly bizzare stuff that went on in our r/ s  and I laugh, at the time it was happening it was all so dramatic and crazy, scariest thing was IT BECAME NORMAL!, physical, mental, financial abuse was a normality for me, fear was the order of the day, with a good side of anger ohh and secret infidelity sauce all over... .

It was frikin nuts, I must say though changing man, I will be forever greatfull because if I hadnt been in this r/ s with a uBPD, I dont think I would ever have faced up to the fact that Im codependant, that I have a tendency to want to be needed, that " giving" all to others whilst I completely deplete myself, Is actually quite a selfish act, you get the picture, Ill never be " that girl" again

I just fell out of love with my ex-gf with BPD. And honestly, I realize now that everything was a lie. Most of the time not because she intended it that way. Mostly because her entire mind is built on lies designed to protect her. But the thing that really pisses me off, is when she knew she was lying or omitting things or did something wrong. She never admitted to it. Not a single time in 12 freaking years. She let me take all the blame until I viewed myself as a flawed, ugly problem. All I gotta say is no matter how much I empathize with how her life is and has gone. I just gotta say screw her and hopefully someday I can forgive her for myself.

Hi recycled,

Yes, I would have taken years more to find out I was codependent, from no help from childhood. Asking my mother for anything was filled with anxiety. Arguments and punishments.

I let this messed up RS happen around me and just tried to clean up the mess like it was my job. I did pretty well actually when I look back, overachieved even. Just was giving it to her all the time, hence the 4 years we were together. At the end she had contributed 0 positive things to us and had built up such disgusting negative crap underneath my comprehension that she had to destroy everything and run quickly knowing once I was out of the FOG she created I would see everything clearly. She still has a picture of our dog that I had to put down on her Facebook, amazing! that in itself shows the false front she hides behind.

I would be ashamed. I knew she was completely mad at the end, it was soo extreme how she ran from everything, and I realised the sadism suddenly. I looked up alcoholism thinking it was that and clicked a link for BPD whatever that was... .BOOM!

Hi Superior,

Yes I find it hard to forgive someone who did this to anyone and not hold them accountable, she used to bite me when we first went out and I used to get angry, I made her stop for good, but I can still see the joy she had hurting me... .weird.

I hope to forgive and love myself. I have 0 empathy for her 'pain'

this insight matches my experience. after she left, my w revealed that she had lied about her drinking and spending, she had lied for the purpose of infidelity, she had lied about lying about her infidelity (i had to squeeze that last one out of her). during the marriage she lied about little things, or "forgot" to mention important stuff. a few comments she made have led me to believe that she was trying to avoid what she thought would be my negative judgement, which goes to a bigger problem in the marriage of which i was aware and always made me uncomfortable, that is, that she wanted me to be responsible for her own self-image. i was to embrace her no matter what, even when it was utterly selfish and damaging to us. she very rarely took responsibility for her own condition, it was almost always my fault or of things that she knew were in her but wouldn't address and didn't feel it was her responsibility to address. the official reason she gave for leaving that that she "didn't feel cherished." BPD all over.

Hi Maxen,

Yes it rips you from top to bottom that the whole thing was a fabrication. They try so hard to believe it themselves, when they can't they make it our/others faults, or 'fate' ( ha what a crock ) or they get angry and sadistic for being so lousy. Everyone leaves them at some point, most don't even engage them they are too stinky. Pain is their thing, getting rid of it. I literally went through all her significant relationships and tried to solve the mess they were. I can see now none of these RSs were of any depth more like dressing, some weren't even RSs, some didn't even like her. Sexual RSs are the closest thing she can manage, well done you have a p***y. I became her normalicy fake mask ( thanks ). Has no idea how vile that is to someone. Lies upon lies upon lies, people start to suspect she just f***s someone else. I have been in trauma about this and the infidelity, I know she is already having emotional infidelity with EXs again, and I'll bet 100% she has cheated on the new guy, if he thinks this is a bit casual... .All the more hurt will come. Madness this way comes, I really thought I might have a mental breakdown when it ended, I almost did. But without her supplying the chaos, madness and abuse, I have been healing, slowly but steadily, no contact has been a life saver. Unplugging from the machine completely and looking around to see where I am. Wow, people cannot comprehend the spaces between the spaces. Mental illness is serious, BPD is so intense, it gathers gentle speed until a crash is unavoidable/

So so true... .although I don't know that the speed is always gentle... .

I always knew my ex was different. I learned how different when we were about 2 weeks from meeting. Suddenly she had an issue with me not having wifi in my home... .it was an old computer with a modem... .shrug... .and, she didn't like that I only had basic cable... .I don't watch tv so she was lucky the cable is even connected.

I saw the toddler side of her having a meltdown that both worried and amused me.

Are you coming to see me? Are you coming to spend time with me? Or are you coming to surf the internet and watch tv?

It was a what the heck moment.

my x used to bit me in the beginning,and did her nails into me and draw blood.   at first I thougt it was some kinda of kinky sex games, but now see it for what it was... .  pain, projection of her pain... .  enjoying my pain...   oh the red flags... .

Oh yes,

the pain

Hell