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So, last night, had a few drinks with some friends on my course, havent touched a drop of liquor for about 6 months, had been n/ c for about 3 wks, said a whole lot of stupid rubbish to the x, hoped his new victim would s*** on him like he did to me...

He of course, proceeded to tell me that, he was having a blast, he was free of the chains I had put on him, that Im a fat s***, he hoped my class mates would rape me, and another weird thing, he knew where I was, we did this on fb messenger, but are not " friended", he knew what part of town I was in, and where I went, he also said that hed " see me around", I assumed hed moved to a different part of the country( small country only about 4 million), anyhoo, Im happy because the s***** things he said, kinda bounced off me, they didnt hurt as badly as they have done in the past, im just going through a jumble of emotions, I go from hating his guts, to feeling sorry for him  to wishing him well, thats the last thing I said actually, there is just so much going on in my head at times, last night was the first time in years that I socialised without him, it was great but im just so pissed at myself for letting it be about him $%&$, next week I have been invited to a bbq/ party, im nervous, last night was a few people, next week will be alot, and my friend is wanting to introduce me to men, I just feel like such a freak sometimes, like I should be normal and able to go to a party and be like everybody else, but like ironmanfalls said in another thread, I feel corrupted, I feel like ill never be the same again, and this really scares me

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It happens - I'm sure you are not the only one Recycled who has been down that path.

You won't be the same as you were before that is true - you will be a better version of yourself having experienced this. You may not believe me now however in a few months and with some work on the reasons why you attached in the first place you will finally heal.

Right now you may feel ashamed, embarrassed and hurt - or maybe not - however process the emotions that come up Recycled.

Well, first of all, don't beat yourself up over it. We've all contacted them when we shouldn't have, Im sure. (I have).

See his words for what they are - just words. He's just letting off steam. He's reacting with hurt and anger the only way he knows how.

And go to the party. You don't have to meet men 'in that way'. If you're not ready, you're not ready. Your intuition will tell you when you are. In the meantime, go, have fun, meet new people, extend your social circle. I'm pretty introverted and I really struggle 'putting myself out there' but I work from home and am alone a lot. I need to push myself to go out with strangers, but actually, I've made some nice new friends from doing so and it's never as bad as I think it's going to be and I'm always glad that I went.

You will reach that point, where you feel 'normal' again. Just maybe it's not today or tomorrow. But it doesn't mean forever. Just means you still have some healing to do and you'll be in a great place when the time does come.  

Thanks guys  its good to hear that there is light at the end of the tunnel... .

I did feel ashamed and embarrassed, but today im feeling alot better, if this had happened a couple of months ago, I would have been a sobbing mess, full of doubt and depression, I think ive definately turned a corner in my healing process, my emotions arent as extreme as they once were, I am learning to   process them as you said clearmind, instead of putting on my " happy face" and stuffing them down, facing the facts as it were, I am introverted too jbt, I have taken the mbti personality test and scored as INFJ, ive taken it a few times before, n yup im still an introvert, I do have to push myself to interact with strangers, but ive found since the break up, its easier not having somebody breathing down my neck etcetc,so yes I will go to the party, im going to talk to people, men included! and I completely agree, im so not ready for any sort of romantic interlude, all I want is to make steps in setting myself free from my own prison( cheers whiney creed frontman!)