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@phoenix + ucm:

Thank you both also for the clarification ... it helps, but still terrifies me to think that I cannot just 'will' myself out of this ... I always take breakups hard, it's why I stayed single for 7 years. But this one, well, this one has cut to the very core of me and has left behind very clear feelings of shame and humiliation rather than the latent feelings that the others did.

@laelle:

Torture, abuse, brainwashing and ... .betrayal ... it's just so difficult to reconcile those facts (and they are facts) both with the warm, loving man I knew and the seemingly caring person I am still sharing a house with. Of course, no warm, caring person would dump you in the morning and go on a date with a woman he met online that night, or proceed to go and spend weekends with her starting that very weekend ... .but that, I suppose, comes under the brainwashing ... I am polarised into wondering if it isn't OK for him to feel 'what he feels' about both me and her (after all, people can't help what they feel right?) and knowing, that there was no way he could have developed enough feelings for this woman, or lost enough feeling for me to justify such utter disregard for my feelings ... so again, it's brainwashing, and yes, abuse. I just need to keep telling myself that (as do we all I suspect).

Damage Control,

Lets put his "feelings" to the side for a moment and have a go at your "feelings"

In relationships, do you feel it is ok for your partner to have emotional and/or sexual affairs with other people? 

Laelle:

No ... at least, I never used to. Over the months, he convinced me that it was part of how he was wired to be (what he termed) polyamorous. This was complete Bull___ however as he is not poly at all - he thrives on the secrecy and subterfuge of affairs which is, of course a completely different thing.

Waking up now, I a cannot believe that I was even contemplating considering it being OK for him to sleep with other woman (back to me trying to honour his feelings again) ... .brainwashed, turned upside down and a complete loss of my own needs/wants.

No, it isn't OK ... it hurts like hell ...

It is not all about HIS needs... .In fact, this is not about his needs at all.  Who the hell cares how HE is wired?  That is his problem, not yours.

In a relationship, is it important for your needs and wants to be addressed?  Do you feel that your current relationship is providing this?

damage control,

I can relate to what you write here.  You're right, people can't help what they feel, and feelings are what they are.  But that goes for you, too.  Please include yourself in all your understanding.  Your feelings about his behavior in the relationship are important.  I've been there, and was in denial for a long time about what I really wanted and needed, because I was so used to pushing them to the side.  Very painful.

Unconditional love has no conditions.  Relationships do.

Ive often heard this one as a argument. It was driving me mad. IS THIS WHAT YOU CALL UNCONDITIONAL? It's hard to explain the difference between love and a relationship to a disordered person.

POLY AMOROUS!  lol Sheesh, the things they say!

I hear that word and I'm either poly wrapping or running. More than likely the latter.

I have been there too.  And I didn't realize I was "there" until I was out of the r/s so I do feel like I was "brainwashed".

I just want to add that, yes, people can't help what they feel.  Many relationships end because people meet someone new and you can't really fault someone for that, it just happens.  But the utter discard for "the one left behind" is what makes the difference here.  When someone leaves you in this manner they have told you all you need to know about their feelings.  It is a hard pill to swallow.  You can't control them, you can only control yourself.

 

There is a cold cruelty to this. What they want is all they care about, no empathy. No empathy = No love.

Distorted thinking, they make you responsible for any cruelty and harm they cause, they must be the victim at one moment and cruel narissist the next. Let them find another victim.

Good luck

LOL Shadow.

DC,

I hear you on this totally.  The dizzying effect of this relationship I think is mostly that deep inside we recognize that things are off.  That our heart discerns that what we are seeing them portray as reality is NOT real or true.  The brainwashing leaves you spinning between those two "realities".

And coming out of the "fog" as they say on here is where you start to firmly put the pieces in place and come out of the deceit and "false" reality.  This part of the process is painful.  It leaves you in shock and disbelief.  It leaves you wishing you could bargain it back or magically just not know sometimes.

The good news is - once we take a wrecking ball to the BS & brainwashing and then see the TRUE reality of who they are and what the relationship is/was - then our heart starts to heal and we start to feel grounded and come out of the spinning. 

Their mind is built on lies that say this is wonderful, this is evil, I'm never wrong, this person is horrible, poor me, my feelings are the only ones that matter. And they bring us into their lying world, and we dance in the wonderful perfect lie they created, and then the darkness seeps in and we become the biggest lie they have until we can't live it or they can't tell it anymore.

Yes superior,

This is right for me, lies can't be lived with beyond there sell by date. Expel and move on for them. We have to work out truth and lies, no truth all lies. Tough on us unbelieved by others, time will tell.

SO, no truer words ever spoken.  i am staring at my computer screen, somewhat stunned by the exquisitely succinct way you have managed to word it.  it's a bit horrifying to see 3 yrs of life reduced to two sentences.  but there it is.  it is what it is.  reality ~ what a concept.  thank you.