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Without knowing it, I naturally started doing the 'timeout' with my BPDgf, calmly saying that her behaviour is no longer acceptable and walking away. In itself this causes problems and sometimes triggers violence because she can't be left alone and will sometimes physically attack me to stop me from going.

I've read on here that giving a deadline might be a good idea, saying that I'll be back in however long, so she knows I'm not abandoning her for good. How long do people think it's a good idea to stay away? I'm slow to recover, so I usually tend to take several hours to get myself to a point where I even want to talk to her again. Should it be different lengths of time according to the severity of what she's said or done? Hours? Overnight? Days?

Any thoughts appreciated.

Hi couldbeworse,

good and simple question. Not so simple answer  :)

you do timeouts as part of boundaries and boundaries are there to protect you. Yes, walking away has tactical benefits as it breaks the pattern and gets the pwBPD usually faster through the dysregulation when the point has been reached where any involvement of us is just gasoline on the fire. But the main motivation for boundaries is YOUR protection. So your needs are paramount.

Now when it comes to duration there are 3 perspectives that spring to mind

1) Getting through the dysregulation. For that we estimate how long it takes and when we feel comfortable to return. We tell that, do the leaving and return latest at the time we said we return. What boundaries and timeouts should never be: Punishment or control. If they become this they will be resented in the long term. Timeouts never will be liked but in a stable relationship they will be respected after some time - but that assumes they are used responsibly. Timeout are times to cool down a bit. We may be a bit dysregulated too. They should be long enough for us to become rational again.

2) BPD perspective. Once over the dysregulation and once a bit of self soothing has kicked it then it may or may not be totally over. PwBPD do split a lot so moods can change rapidly. Over can also be stuck in bad mood but over can also be totally over. More over than a balanced integrated person would ever be at that point in time.

3) Your perspective. Often we struggle with being confronted with extreme dysregulation. As an integrated person we tend to split less and can't easily push what happened aside. We need to process and that can take a long time. It is important that we do process as otherwise we store up trauma which can come back to haunt us. Your recovery need may exceed the duration of a reasonable tactical timeout. Your need is in contrast with 1) + 2).

It is important doing boundaries and timeouts as clean as possible. They are powerful tools and wielding a sharp tool you can do a lot of good. Wield it without control or letting it go dull and you are set up for a lot of hurt.

It is vital to care for your needs.

If you treat your problem as ONE problem you will have always a goal conflict. Sometimes you will not be able to avoid that and have to make a choice. However it may be possible in some cases to see it as TWO distinct problems that both can be solved without much contradiction. Do timeout as timeout driven by the immediate tactical needs. Come back as promised. And then do recovery as a separate activity driven by your personal needs.

Thanks, that's a really good answer. I hadn't thought of it being two different things, but you're quite right.