BPDFamily.com

I’ve been married to the same woman for 25+ years; two kids 28 and 24; a dog; a nice house; own my own company; successful in most people’s eyes; but I screwed up once. After decades of intermittent verbal abuse from her and dealing with her religious fantasies, in one night of depression, I told her I was done: nothing has been the same since. One time I let my feelings be shown, and I’m doomed: she snapped. Apparently, the underlying BPD came to the forefront and now I live in a hell of therapist sessions and constant separating and returning. I’m psychologically spent, exhausted from the 6+ hour arguments…now I really am done, I think.

I’ve turned into a pathetic person. She’s beautiful and I’m co-dependent. When we’re together the sex is unbelievable…she wants everything (and I mean everything) for hours. Then the next day comes and I’m the worst person in the world. Took her to Europe for our 25th wedding anniversary last summer. Within a week she was arrested for spousal violence (she called 911 and the police arrested her! No, I didn't touch her); we’ve been in therapy ever since. She’s probably been through 100+ hours in the last six months. But the abuse never ends.

She accuses me of infidelity, even though I’ve never even been with another woman physically or emotionally for over 28 years. She accuses me of being a porn addict, even though I work from home and she is a homemaker and has access to my computers any time: I’m not a porn addict. She accuses me of wanting to have sex with 13 year olds; to engage in all sorts of sexual acts with nearly everyone. She accuses me of having a porn girlfriend (whatever that means); she actually “sees” girls on my computer screen, but they’re not there when she comes closer. She’s constantly abusive, delusional, apparently with hallucinations. She took all the cash out of our accounts and won’t put it back even though we have bills to pay. I now have the silent treatment.

In the last year I’ve walked out because I was afraid that I would hit her, which I think she wants me to do so I can go to jail. I’ve temporarily moved out for 3+ weeks now. It is very hard emotionally as she has been my bride and the love of my life for 28+ years. But I’m too emotionally spent; too far gone. I can’t even look at her at therapy sessions anymore I’m so angry and frustrated. At our last therapy session she handed me an anniversary card from 2001 in an obvious guilt inducing ploy. She’s tried everything in the book to make me leave and force me to stay. I’m just dead inside. I want to go back home, but I’m afraid. I’m 56 and life should not be this way!

I made one significant mistake in 28 years, why must I be punished so severely?

Mate, i'm sorry for everything you are going through. It makes me sad to read all that, especially as I can't even imagine how difficult it is for you.

First of all, why are you so hard on yourself?

I read; "I made a mistake" ... ."Why do I need to be punishes" ... .

While all I read from you is normal sane behavior where you pointed out the mishaps and the issues and which you would like to have discussed as normal adult persons. The fact that, that enabled her is not your fault. Not even close. You would(!) be punishing yourself for not speaking up, that, that would be the issue.

Ask yourself, is it worth to live the rest of your life, years and years ahead of you (you are still young!), in such misery? In such mental pain and devastation? Don't you deserve something calmness and quietness? Peace in your mind? You do right? Right?

...

Meaning you made the correct step by starting this (inevitable) misery. All I can say is try to stay strong and think of yourself.

That sounds incredibly painful... has your wife been diagnosed with BPD?

Depending on the route you choose to take, there is a lot of helpful information in the various workshops:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=36.0

The links to the right might prove useful as well ------------->

Best to you,

Phoenix.Rising

Hopeless777,

I am all the way relating to your story. It is like the BPD nuclear reactor was ready to blow regardless of the trigger or excuse. In fact, in my case, with my uBPDw it was always there (the abandon child and he false self).

The false accusations and rampant allegations are the product of excessive negative projection and uncontrollable pain of emptiness , something if can spend a life time trying to understand if she does not transfer the disorder to me somehow after all the non-sense, out-of-left field, disproportionate and almost terrorizing behavior that is propelled by a sense of abandonment (actual or imagined).

The event could have been any triggered long as her imagination can feed her the needed adrenaline to exaggerate it to the ridiculous. Remember, their cognition and ability to abstract thinking have been greatly compromised.

Your quote "She tried evening in the book of make me leave an force me to stay"

I am familiar with this and I always wonder to what extent her cognition has been compromised as she seems to have the ability to plan the attacks and harassments in a very sneaky and conniving manner serving always what she wants to accomplish - inducing guilt to escape her shame.

Take care of yourself first, only then you can evaluate how and if you can help. This disorder has affected too many people and their love ones.

We are in very similar situations. And you are in the right place. I've been here (BPD Family) for about 9 mos. Enormously helpful to read about others and what they do to manage through/ navigate their lives.

The tools that are taught here coupled with what I have learned in Alanon have enabled me to transition from a victim filled with pain an doubt to a person who does a lot better job of taking care of himself ... .and his wife ( to some extent). I now am able ,sometimes, to have compassion for her as a sick person, even though she is in denial.

My greatest sadness is that our children have distanced themselves from us to some degree. Can't blame them. As a matter of fact I found out too late that her behavior and my acceptance of it damaged them.

Anyhow, your in a good place and the right place. Welcome aboard.

Thank you all for the responses. She's been in 3 hour a week therapy since her DV arrest in May. I go to a couples sessions with her once a week except for the last three weeks that I have been living separate. Another couples session tomorrow. Not sure I'll be able to resist going back home with the holidays and all... .I feel like a wimp with the back-and-forth. Anyway, I met with our therapist individually yesterday and he agreed that she was most likely BPD and has been treating her with DBT; however, he doesn't want to label her as such due to the stigmatizing effects. Of course, the problem is that even with the therapy and my validating her continuously (ugh!), there's no guarantee that life will return to normal (whatever that is!) I know this may sound goofy, but her rages take over when I refuse to sleep in our bed. If I sleep elsewhere in the house, she just freaks out. Every freak out surrounded us not sleeping together or my leaving for a time out (which was necessary due to her raging.) Is that weird or what? Must be some sort of separation anxiety that produces the rage. Of course the rage just pushes me out further, which she doesn't really want either. Damned if you do, damned if you don't. Anyways, if I go back there is sure to be hell to pay as I've canceled credit cards that were solely in my name with her as an authorized user (of course, I'm still paying all the bills) and canceled our home equity line of credit (since she threatened to draw out all the money!) Looks like I'll have to play therapist when (and if) I'm home or make a final exit if the rages start again.  Just a wonderful time of year to be going through all this. Thanks for all your comments... .they really help.

Please stick to the facts and if possible consult a well experienced psychiatrist who knows what BPD is, for yourself. From what I have been told the only choice is LEAVING for my mental health. I didn't listen to my psychiatrist 2 years ago and I'm in such a REGRET because my husband destroyed me to bits. you should consider that your wife is not able to think the same way you do, even when things are quite normal. I almost lost everything financially because my husband planned well in advance to screw me up while I was very depressed and confused and still I am. The point is we get hurt a lot but they don't get hurt like us! Please look after yourself and life is too short. I will be moving out next week and although I'm so slow and drained, even I can't pack my stuff but feeling of getting rid of him gives me energy.

Hopeless777, It might help to research BPD and Object Constancy.  That's what her reactions about sleeping together sound like to me. 

Regarding separation anxiety, it goes with the territory. They are terrified of abandonment and will do almost anything to stop u from leaving or recycling u back in once you have left.

Hopeless,

Hang in there - you sound like a devoted husband and father.  I am in similar situation, although a few years younger.  What you are experiencing is similar to many of our experiences.  My uBPDw decided to wake me up 7:30 this morning after I only had 3 hours sleep to tell me what I crappy person I am.  I made the mistake yesterday evening of telling her that I was in a funk, not sure why, but just needed some space alone.  Now I know some of what was bothering me was her recent spending binge, lack of planning for the holiday, and the fact that she has made our house a candidate for hoarders.  Yet I tried to protect her from that.

No matter immediately began conjuring up reasons in her mind for my honest sharing of my mood including that I was having an affair!  She has now been on a  bender for the last 24 hours - ooh yay its holiday time.

Number one thing is that I hope you have a therapist that is for you and you alone.  After a year and half I have finally begun to see the light of what my relationship with my spouse is and accepted that this disease is chronic.  You did not screw up. Living with having to worry about every word you say is not living.  You have done remarkably well in your business and raising your kids and I would be willing to bet most people think you are a good person.  Simply put your tank has run dry, as it has for many of us.  It's okay.    Step back and think what is right for you.  You will know get clarity with time.

So strange. Be it a 28 year marriage or a 6 month marriage (that is my case), it seems the problems are dang near identical.  I cannot offer anymore advice than what has been offered.  I shake me head in that I feel for you.

I am rooting for you.

ABB

I figured I'd give a brief update on the situation. Our T got us back together on Thanksgiving Day. My BPDw was so happy I came home after 3+ weeks away with pretty much NC. The happiness lasted two days. Ugh. Then again the ritual of screaming at me till 2AM in morning when she's worn herself out. One minute she's packing my bags. An hour later she's professing her love for me. It's so confusing. Thank God my kids are all grown and out of the house. Told the T on December 4 that I was done if there was one more knock down drag out. Of course there was. T scheduled "emergency" session with BPDw for today and me for Monday. As I have posted, I work out of the house so I'm with her 24/7 since she's a homemaker. My solution now is to pack up my work stuff (real royal pain) and leave the house from 8AM till 8PM to work. Still in the process of moving. Who knows what happens when I return home again tonight. I'm taking it one day at a time. Kind of sucks at the holidays. Once my work stuff is gone, I'm 80% of the way out the door. I'm afraid the last 20% will seem too easy. What a life!

I'm sorry you're having such a struggle.  It sounds painful.  Take care you, whatever that entails.   

Turn to the knowledge you have inside that shows you've done all you can with her. That's your strength, and the truth of who you are. That was the path you took. Everyone has the right to find some peace. Do what you need to do to get there. This is YOUR life.

I left my BPDw wife around 3 months ago.  I got married on 12/12/12. I filed for divorce on June 3, 2013. We had a bit of a period of getting along over the summer.

Each day that goes, you will get better. I had a peaceful Thanksgiving. I have a peaceful Christmas planned. I have a peaceful New Years planned.  Life does go on.

My BPDw keeps telling me how much she has changed.  There are signs of it, but we all know about now, don't we?  I think she is a better wife when I am not there. Weird.  I don't communicate with her much. More like a check-in so I get a feel where her head is at in relation to the divorce.  When I do speak with her, I ask her how long it would be before she would have a meltdown if we got back together. 4 minutes?  4 hours?  48 hours?  4 days?  You go through so many cycles and finally reach a conclusion it will never be right.  A tough pill to swallow.  But a truthful pill nevertheless.

I have started dating again.  That is a whole other adventure. The focus is on being friends. I am not ready for anything intimate.  The good news is I am trusting my gut again these days. I have told one woman already who started to exhibit traits of my BPDw that it wasn't going to work out.  I didn't like doing that, but I felt good that I had the awareness to do that.  In the short time I was with my BPDw I have had enough drama to last a couple of lifetimes.  I don't need it. I don't want it.  My life has peace in it now.

ABB

OK... .here's the next pitiful update. Well I packed up about half my office to move out to work elsewhere on Dec. 6. My BPDw was kind enough to help me by throwing all my clothes in the basement and demanding that not only I move my office but I move totally out of the house, which was not my intention. The usual screaming and hollering. It became pretty obvious (after I got her calmed down) that my moving the office is tantamount to leaving her entirely. So, like a dummy, I unpack the car and reassemble the office (she was kind enough to put my clothes back.) Then things are relatively calm until she starts up a few days ago on Dec. 12 with little comments here and there. (Gee, went 6 days without a blow up!) Then last night its full blown... .the usual ranting and not making any sense: accusations of affairs and porn and hiding things, etc., etc. I'm pretty spent, but also determined. If she wants to falsely accuse me... .end of conversation! Who knows where this all goes. She's off to see T for 2 hour session then off to babysit grandson and "maybe" she'll be back around 8PM. I see T tomorrow. This relationship appears so hopeless.

Hi, I went through the packing and unpacking, and having my stuff thrown out. It's definitely tough having to go through that and things just doesn't make any sense at all, and that's something that I am still working on. It's always, or mostly, about them and not us, how they are feeling and their emotions causing their behavior. I learned the hard way that they are not on the same train of thought; "out of their mind", and trying to get them back makes it worse (for my case at least). Being mindful of my own reactions, thoughts, and words, not judging, being understanding, is something I have been working on, it's not easy to keep calm when you stuff is strewn all over.

Stay calm and objective, things always seem worse than they really are and don't give up on yourself.

It's really something to feel that bone-deep kind of fatigue and despair, isn't it? When we are physically tired we all know we should sleep but when we are emotionally worn out the path to taking care of our needs is often not as so clear. I read that you are having couples therapy and your wife is in individual therapy. Have you considered having some therapy times just for you with a separate therapist? Having someone to talk with who is solely focused on supporting you and helping you think things through might be helpful whatever you decide to do.

Boundaries that minimise your exposure to prolonged, circular, and escalating rages might be worth exploring as well. It's exhausting to be a party to them and no one benefits. Only she can control her rages, but you can certainly decide how much of them you want to be around for. I have found filtering on my phone and email really helpful for his attempts to rage at me from afar. Like your wife, my dBPDh also has quite extreme paranoia when he is dysregulated and I find it really difficult to cope with. Just a final thought about the focus on sexual things. I know that my husband relied a lot of sex for validation and in that way, being extreme about sex isn't really healthy because its feeding and reinforcing an insatiable need. Her obsession about you being obsessed with sex is projecting her own relationship about sex and not about you.     

Take care of yourself 

Hopeless,

I cannot agree more strongly with HoldingAHurricane (great handle by the way).  As I read your posts I see a lot of where I was just about 2 years ago.  As with many others I cannot tell you what is right for you, but I can urge you to read and work through the links on the right side to perhaps help you find the right path for you. 

For me I was so enmeshed and co-dependent I could not do it on my own.  Thank God I had a daughter who loves me enough to keep pushing me to get a therapist for me.  Not for the uBPDw - we can't fix them.  Not a marriage counselor - their job is to put things back together.  Instead of doing something for them, you need to do something for you.  Every so often I pull up the video of the Toby Keith song "I Wanna Talk About Me."  A reminder that it is not only ok, it is perfectly normal to take care of ourselves.

I even went back and looked when I first joined this board.  It was just under 2 years ago.  It was a lifeboat in an ocean where I was drowning.  In my first post I even talk about my fear of my uBPDw finding out that I was on the board and taking a long time to think of a very non-descript handle.   For some like you and I it took many years to find ourselves at the point where we sought the comfort and help that is offered here. 

Do not be so hard on yourself.  I would be willing to bet that outside of your relationship with your wife, most people who know you find you polite, generous and well versed in your chosen profession, whatever it might be.  Take that same successful attitude and apply it to finding the right path for you in your relationship. 

Not long ago I asked my counselor if the lightbulb moment I kind of experienced was common.  He said yes, good people need to go through that discernment process and get to the point where you give yourself permission to make a decisions that are in your best interest.

I went through the cycle of packing and unpacking so many times, I compared my life to that of a gypsy.  I used to tell my ex-wife-to-be exactly that. I left her about 4 months ago and moved back into my house I owned prior to the marriage.  I am still trying to remove the chaos inside my house from the 15 months or so I was with this woman.

Back to the packing and unpacking.  What a draining and useless waste of energy.  I look back 4 months ago and the amount of s**t I tolerated was ridiculous.  Somewhere in this thread there is mention of the emotional fatigue. I agree 100%. I used to feel so drained. So isolated. So alone. I am still recovering from some of that. However the peace I now experience is awesome.

Once you get out of the heat of the moment and distance yourself you will feel better and better as each day passes.

ABB

I feel your pain.  I'm trying to detach from a woman I fell in love with who seems to have full-blown BPD.  What makes it hard for us both is this - you remember the person you fell in love with and miss her terribly.  And from time to time you may still "see" her.  But is it worth the emotional terrorism? I can't answer that for myself, let alone for anyone else. 

But you're not alone - please know that. 

I'm sorry to hear it and glad you have found this board.  It is frustrating trying to manage these ups and downs.  You mention the one thing you did that unleashed all of this.  We often feel that way, but if it wasn't that one thing, it would have been another.  NORMAL PEOPLE ARE ALLOWED TO SAY THE WRONG THING.  My guess is you have apologized 1,000 times.  My guess is that she has also said and done the wrong things, much worse things, and you don't punish her for it.  So try not to think "If only I hadn't said that," because you have probably walked on eggshells for years and don't even realize how carefully you've been tiptoeing.  It's not that one thing you did. 

Momtara, you are 100% spot on with everything you said. I like how you say it isn't one thing that is a trigger.  I used to tell people a trigger could be anything. Her farting or the wind blowing 3 mph instead of 8 mph. In other words there is no real reason.  It is impossible to apply logic to an illogical situation.  Trying to do so is an exercise in futility.

ABB

Well, I'm back... . barely. Made it through the holidays with only the usual daily BPD low-grade nonsense. Last night, another major full blown freak out though. I won't even embarrass myself or her with the things she said. I've just learned to clam up and say nothing. Deep breathing techniques, etc. The morning came and its like nothing was said... . how strange! This almost dual personality is what makes me crazy. I could take one or the other and know what to do... . the back and forth is disturbing.

I guess that I am here: I have a marriage vow of better or worse... . sickness and health. I think she is mentally ill. I guess I'm living the "worse" and "sickness" part. The problem is that I'm the one who just wants to die.

Life is very short and what you experience now, is a reflection of what you'll probably see the rest of your marriage to this woman. I am in the same boat, but mine is more passive-aggressive where I don't see the blow ups. I've been married for almost a year, and I've had enough of the pulling me close and then pushing me away routine. I can do much better and you can too! Keep a journal of everything you go through daily (like I did) and review it a year later. It's a great tool to remind you of what's ahead if you decide to stay.

you're right, she is sick. but when you were making that promise, you were probably thinking "horrible accident leaves you paralyzed" or "breast cancer", not "illness that causes you to treat me like something you scraped off the sidewalk for the rest of my life".

you know what else got promised on that altar? "love" "honor" "cherish" "protect" and you know what i think when i hear those promises again? "broke" "broke" "broke" "broke". you know, i am a religious person, and my faith strongly frowns on divorce. the only reason it is found acceptable is infidelity, and that is because a vow to stay true to only your spouse was broken. but when i look at my marriage, that is the only one i find that wasn't broken. you still have life left in you. you want her screaming and manipulating you on your deathbed? i sure don't. i realized that if i stayed with this and continued my beat down dog routine, it was a waste of a good life. you start thinking about what's right for you mister, not what's right "for us".   take care of yourself!

Thank you Seneca.

Sunday night was just a continuation of Saturday night... . only worse. My BPDw starting grabbing all my business electronics and hiding them to keep me from leaving all the while she was once again throwing my clothes in a pile. I'm afraid I had it and called the police. Three officers showed up. Needless to say she immediately cleaned up the clothes and returned the office gear, which I promptly packed up and am not working outside the house. She has T tomorrow (Tues) and I have T on Wednesday. I doubt I make it till the weekend. 25+ years down the toilet. At least I have a place to go.

Sorry for the typo in the last post. Should have been "now" instead of "not." Anyways, the not so funny thing after the police left is that she still continued the verbal abuse and told me that if I walked into our bedroom she'd call them and have me charged with attempted rape. Kind of got my attention, if however ludicrous. I think the end is near. 

Good grief!  I'm so sorry you are dealing with this.  We all deserve a peaceful existence, and living with a pwBPD certainly is not peaceful.

At this point, I know I would settle for just one peaceful day - but every day at least there is low grade BPD stuff.  It sounds like that is the same for you, and I know how difficult it is for you.

If you don't mind me asking, what did the police do/say?  Early on in my relationship, I called the police on my girlfriend, and it was mostly a non-productive disaster.  She still doesn't understand that I called the police because I was scared for her safety.

your commitment to her wasn't for nothing -you made beautiful children i am sure. you learned a lot about humanity and yourself. i am certain you have grown in your patience, tolerance, and ability to forgive. your love and commitment to her is admirable, but if she has gotten allllll that therapy and is still this unbearable, i absolutely think you can go with a clean conscience. i am so sorry that you have to make this difficult decision. stay strong, and try to see the positives. there is life after divorce. 

Thank you all for your comments. I only called the police because I couldn't control her irrational behavior without putting my hands on her and I'm a 2nd Dan Black Belt and you know where that would go! Anyways, the second she knew the police were coming (I let her hear the whole dispatch call) she immediately put back my luggage, clothes, computers, etc., etc., which was all I wanted at the time. The police were very nice, especially when they confirmed that there was no violence involved. Over the last two days I have moved my office out of the house and am basically out of the house from 9AM till 8PM now. We'll see how that goes. I never wanted to cal the police, but now she seems to be taking me seriously. I can't tell you all how annoying and disruptive all this has become. I have resolved that if she starts with the clothes piling up and the demands for me to move out, I will do so for the LAST time. Ugh!

BTW, Seneca, I do have two wonderful, independent children that apparently are totally messed up because of my porn addiction! Go figure... . I haven't seen a porn site in years. I'm still accused of having a girl friend (where do I even find the time? and with all this, like I even want a girlfriend!), visiting cam porn sites (she is always looking at credit card statements to see if I'm charging stuff), etc. What next? Anyways, nice to be away from it all for 12 hours a day. Who knows what the weekend holds.

Max: thanks for your comment. The low grade BPD stuff is really irritating in that you know what's soon coming and you know you can't avoid it. Peaceful days scare me too because I start remembering the person she was, and almost unwind the financial protections I've invoked. Thankfully, friends here keep reminding me of what is soon to come, and of course it does. Thanks for all your help and encouragement.

It only gets more strange... . I'm nearly done now. On Saturday I get a LinkedIn Invitation acceptance from some woman I don't know. Of course uBPDw intercepts cell phone and goes nuts and demands to know who she is. I have no idea. I go on LinkedIn only to find out that an Invitation was sent from my account to some woman with a sleazy picture a week earlier. All I use LinkedIn for is business. Wife knows password, or can easily figure it out. While on LinkedIn with uBPDw sitting next to me, new e-mail gets sent from LinkedIn account to same sleazy girl saying to call wife and gives cell phone number of uBPDw. Needless to say I change all my passwords. I know this is short on details, but I now suspect that uBPDw is trying to set me up for an infidelity accusation. I just give up. How much more pain do I have to deal with? Now the woman I love for 25+ years is scamming me or having help doing so.

Hopeless777

You've been manipulated and seduced by a highly experienced actress! That's ALL GAMES, sick games.

Today is Friday. She explicitly texts me to stay away till at least Monday and wants to know if I need clothes, etc. We text back and forth about what I need for the 3-4 days absence. I tell her I'll be by at about 9PM. She says she'll have everything put together for me to pick up. At 6PM the texts start again: "Make a decision are you married or single! I'm here if you want me! Etc., etc." She is the one that told me to stay away; now she is the one demanding my presence. She said she'd let me know her thoughts next week, now she wants an answer from me about whether we're going to stay married." I'm ignoring her texts now and simply dreading the 45 minute car ride to get some of my stuff. Lord knows, this has to end some time some how. Guess I just need to decide: I saw a divorce lawyer yesterday and see the T Monday. Looks like its coming to a conclusion that I still don't want. How did life ever get to this?

Got my stuff for a few days. Of course, she lied about packing it for me so I had to endure about 15 minutes of her ranting/melt down while I got stuff together. Got the heck out of there fast. I'm still alive! Update in a few days after T on Monday.

excellent, you're taking steps.


yes, i've asked myself this question too. i'd bet all of us here have. 

I'll try to post this update since its been a while. I'm now a bit over a month out of the home office. Of course, she hates me for abandoning the home office after 15 years of working from home. But, if you've read my prior posts, you understand why this was no longer working for me. Now she's pulling the sickness card: walking around with a heart monitor because of racing heart and heart palpitations that she "knows" have nothing to do with stress. Anyways, the biggest problem in the evenings and on weekends is that she just explodes for no apparent reason. Says she's expressing her "feelings", but of course they're just rants about what a creep I am, etc., etc. Next day, its like nothing happened. I see no end in sight at this point. Seeing T tomorrow, but its not doing much good. My stress level is just too high... . I have to figure out how and when to get my clothes out of the house and physically move out permanently, whatever the cost. I love what she was, but now hate what she's become. In my mind, if I move my clothes out, that's it. I just can't seem to give up even though I know its hopeless.

What is keeping you from "giving up" at this point?  Sometimes we have to surrender to win.  What are you going to surrender to?  I'm not suggesting what you should or shouldn't do either way.  Do you see the different perspectives involved in what you surrender to?  Which aspect of surrender is best for YOU?  We are always surrendering to something whether we realize it or not. 

I'm sorry you're having such a rough go it.  Take care of you.

Thanks for this comment about sex and validation, I can relate. Would anybody be interested in discussing that on the staying board?

So here's where I am now:

Wife: I feel you are half in... . half out... . it does not feel good to me.

Me: So what specifically do you want me to do?

Wife: You know what's right. You know what to do. That's my answer to your question.

Me: Then you have no answer.

Wife: I already told you.You know what is right.

Hey maybe I'm just a dumb husband of 25+ years, but I have no idea what she wants other than to transport her back in time to a point before the initial melt down. Anyways, this continues to head towards the end. Joint T session tomorrow. I'm going to ask the same thing with the T as moderator, which she seems to desire.

At this point I have no idea other than after 10 months of individual therapy (with couples sessions thrown in), the only success I can see is that she's no longer physically violent and her rages have subsided. All the other classic BPD symptoms (except self-abuse) continue. Wish I could just pack my stuff and go... . I just have so much invested in this relationship that its really difficult. Gee, life shouldn't be this hard. I guess I should count my blessings since I have good health, for now.

Hi, Just a few observations/comments:

When she opened with how she was feeling "you being half in... . half out", it might have helped to first validate her feelings rather than responding with a question.  For instance, you might respond, "It must be very uncomfortable to feel that way."  And if you know and understand what she is feeling, you can then empathize.  And if she is right about suspecting you feel that way, you might tell her that's the truth.  But what do YOU want to do?  Not what does she want you to do.  This is where you can get honest with yourself and possibly apply some boundaries.  Good luck.

Hi all! It's been nearly two months since my last post. No, things haven't gotten better, if anything worse. I tried putting my perspective into poetry. I'd love the feedback. Please read my initial posts if you need background.

IT IS FINISHED

Alone  in my room; with the door locked, I'm free.

I crack the door open, but escape is futility;

The trade off is fine for tonight.

But the morning comes, with no end in sight

To the despair.

How long till the end? Do I still even care?

Invisible people are talking, repeating the same

Tired expressions of dissatisfaction with my soul.

Days become years as my eyes grow darker,

As the light slips away, I become increasingly cold.

Demons disguised as angels

Waiting, waiting, waiting.

Talking, talking, talking, but nothing is said:

Years of conversation that are tiringly old

And which must finally come to an end.

No tears of bitterness; no tears of regret

Only torment of what should be, but never was.

What might have been, but now can never be.

The road seems lonely as dreams fade, then die

And all that is left is remorse drifting into timeless eternity.

Life is but a fading vapor: dead eyes show the pain.

The torment, the despair are constant companions.

No peace, no quiet, no solitude, no comfort.

The locked room is now a prison without a key,

Which the jailer tantalizingly dangles, but that too is illusory.

Death come quickly; do you care any how?

Betrayed? Not by me! Your betrayal is merely

An illusion just like the key that locks me here forever more.

Where will this end? Who can predict the final score?

You want me to stay? But you can never let it go!

So I wallow here in despair, praying for a cure,

Knowing it shall never be so.

I'm told there is hope for the hopeless, comfort for those in pain;

But when the pain is caused by one so close, where is he amidst the strain?

Perhaps the cross stands at the end of the road; 

But I am not he nor choose to be!

I know where I'm going but to go there seems only hypocrisy.

Sadly a lifetime of love, heartache and pain ends in lonely misery

Just like being locked in this room for all eternity.

The room is in my head, do you actually hold the key?

Life is just an illusion without you beside me,

Which shall now never be.

A very well written poem.  Sad too.  Sorry things are worse.  I fought like he** to keep my BPD husband from leaving, years ago. SO he stayed.  Things got worse and worse.  You are saving yourself from even worse heartache, although I know you'd like closure.  If it helps, keep writing - write letters to him, write poems, just write.  You may get the chance to tell him.  Hope it starts to feel better.  Time does heal - really!

So here's an update. We actually went to a very inspiring and emotionally draining marriage conference that lasted from Friday evening to Sunday early afternoon. Unexpectedly it ends with an exchange of wedding vows. WOW I'm balling like a baby throughout expressing my love in recommitment. She does the same... . not as much tears but a bit. We now seem to be on the bend. We have a friends 80th birthday party to go to that night. She wants to leave early and have be drive her home because "she saw me lusting after that girl!" What girl? WOW... . here we go. Like 6 hours after our marriage vows recommitment. I take her home and she just tears me to pieces. Goes in the house and comes out screaming. This goes on for an hour as I now hide in my car with the doors locked in the garage. Then she starts throwing things at the car, like my clothes, etc. Says that if I try to get in the house she'll call the police and say I tried to hit her. Then she rips the $4,000 earrings off her ears, throws them at me, as I quickly drive away.

I just watched a woman totally melt down in front of me. I spent the night away from the house as she texted me obscenities throughout the night. By early morning texts she's begging me to come home. I work from the house so really had no choice anyways. Now its nearly 11:00pm and here I am, locked in a bedroom of my own home, reading the message boards and so depressed I want to die.

Wow, it sounds like you've been have a really hard time for quite some time now.

Reading all your posts it reminds me a lot of my relationship with my uBPDbf.  All the incredibly long outbursts involving verbal, emotional and physical abuse (not much physical in my case, but some).  Whilst I was just reading through all the posts since last November I kept thinking 'surely the next post will be the one saying he's actually left' because it just seems like too much to bear, but then I laughed at myself because I haven't left yet but probably should!

I even moved out for a couple of months at the end of last year, moved back in thinking things might be a bit calmer, but it's all crept back to where it was before I moved out.

It's so hard to accept that it's not going to change isn't it? Those moments like your marriage conference when you remember how much you love/loved that person keep dragging you back in., because you still want things to go back to how they used to be. 

I'm in the process of reading a lot of useful links provided by the very helpful people on this site and realising that I need to start looking after myself more and thinking about what I need in my lie going forward.  I think we're both experiencing a lot of FOG (fear, obligation, guilt).

Are you using the guides and workshops on this site?

I do nothing but read books on relationship rebuilding, go to therapists, etc. I'm still living with her but he'll itself is preferable at this point. I work from home and she wants me to put tracking software on the dozen computers. She asks "theoretical" questions and then assumes you're doing the same. I mean I can't even be in the same room with her any longer. We were to have a nice evening at restaurant and ballet tonight. But within 5 minutes in the car she starts with the never ending relationship questions. It's 24/7 now. I just turnaround and took her home and now I'm back in the guest bedroom trying to decide whether to finally agree with her to leave. I'm so spent from this last year I wish I could just die already!

Maybe some time living apart could give you some space to think about what you want to do.  I know it's very difficult to make a decision about your r/s whilst you've got this going on 24/7.  Do you have some where else you could stay jus to get some space?  I'm not suggesting you leave her of course, only you can make that decision.

It sounds like an extrememly stressful situation and there's only so much of that that anyone can take. Look after yourself. Maybe that means staying with a friend or some family for a bit to recharge and have space to think. I think that's what I'm going to do pretty soon!

OK, this is going to sound harsh, but at what point is it more important to save your LIFE than your marriage? My man, you've tried. You have nothing to feel bad about and if you do, whatever SHE has done is worse than anything you've probably done by an order of magnitude. Or have you been beating on her? Doesn't sound like it to me. Sounds like it's the other way around. Far as I'm concerned, you deserve a medal for trying whatever you can. And I think you've reached the point where there's nothing left to do. For your marriage to work and for you to be happy in it, she has to change, and I sure don't see any changes.

My BPDx accused me of fooling around on her and watching porn too, and you know what? Given that she treated me like a f**king untermensch, I had every reason to play on her (which I didn't). Ever watched any of those women's shows where women talk about why they fool around? To a person, they say it's because their needs are not being met. And I'm not just talking sex... . I'm taking about your basic emotional needs. Are your needs being met? If you can look yourself in the eyes in the mirror and say that, then maybe you should keep on trying. If not, you have to ask whether they're EVER going to be met. And I think you and I know the answer to that question.

You are not alone but at some point you will have to make a choice here. Whether your wife is BPD or not really doesn't matter. What matters is YOU. That's what matters. Are YOU happy? Are YOU OK with all this? If so, then this is what the rest of your life is gonna look like. I hate to say that, but it's probably true. I left my BPD ex four years ago, and her life is still in a tailspin. I'm doing fine. What does that tell you? Most of the time, these people DO NOT change. Harsh as that is, it's the truth. All you can do is control YOUR life, because hers is completely, resolutely, absolutely out of control, and there's nothing you can do about it. Absolutely nothing. You think you're helping her, but honestly, you aren't - not because you're not trying, but because SHE isn't trying. I "stood by" my ex through therapy, abject poverty (so bad that we didn't have WATER for month long stretches), and even felony arrests. Nothing made her change, and nothing has since. I was powerless over her issues, and so are you. All you can do is live your life.

So, again, this is gonna sound harsh, but you need to decide, versus going here to tell how things are going, because honestly, it sounds like it just keeps going badly. Eventually you'll figure out that things aren't going to change with her. Not now, not ever. My BPD ex lost me, all her money, her children (I ended up with custody), and three houses. She has nothing. She's couch surfing now. And she STILL won't change. She STILL does the SAME things over and over and over and over and over. Your wife's been threatened with losing you and STILL acts the same way. What does that tell you? I know what it tells me - she ain't gonna change, brother. Not happening.

Meanwhile, I'm moving forward with my life, which isn't perfect by a long shot, but I'd rather face a gun than go back. I mean that literally. It's like the man in the movie said: get busy living or get busy dying. I think that's where you're at.

There IS a way out but it'll require you to make that very choice. And I won't BS you: if you choose to leave, your trials have only begun. People like my ex will make you pay for your freedom. And even after you're free, they'll still try to suck you back in (yours already has). It's not a one-step jump to freedom. Be prepared to pay a financial and emotional price for the doing what's right for you, which will absolutely infuriate your wife. Actually, it won't infuriate her - it'll THREATEN her right down to her core. Be prepared for false accusations and dirty pool. Mine is still trying this crap on me four years after I left her. And I just let her try.

But you know what? At some point, the ex does something that's utterly off-the-reservation bad, and you realize that it's not your problem anymore. You cannot even imagine how good THAT feels. By God, after a while you realize you ARE free... . as free as you want to be. Hell, you can watch some damn porn if you want. And maybe you can even find another lady who WILL treat you right. I was able to. God bless America. |iiii

God bless. Hope you make the choice that's right for you.

Well, gee, that was a great post and I REALLY appreciate the time you took to write it. I moved out this morning after a night of hell. She begged me to stay. Never ending talk of how much she loves me... . guilt, guilt, guilt! All clothes are out with two-thirds of office. Last third tomorrow. She's already stolen files, computers, etc. she followed me around the house trying to "help" me pack. I'm a wreck but resolved (I hope! God help me!) I know the next six months is going to be real bad. But I have a place for living and working and I don't have to hear her any more. But God do I miss the woman I married 26 years ago. Thanks for all your kind words. I hope I make it.

Hard to really describe the pain of nearly two weeks gone. She's doing NC on me now! Got an email from the paralegal for her attorney demanding support for more than I make a month! My heart says roll over and give her everything to go away. My head says fight till the last drop of blood. 28 years down the drain; half of my life! Really tough to take tonight. 56 shouldn't feel this way. I wish she'd just tell me what she wants; but it seems they never can. I dread ever going back. I want to die because of the loss. God, what does one do to make it.

This is all VERY scary up front. Same thing happened to me - I had "demands" to pay my BPDx so much that I would not have been able to support myself. It turned out I had to pay her a LOT, but not that much. I'm doing OK financially - not great, but good enough.

Have you seen an attorney yet? You need to. And I think you need some therapy given the comments here.

Hang in there... . it does get better. But right now it probably feels like September 1, 1939... . and you're Poland. I understand completely. Make sure you have some support in place for yourself... . and please keep coming around and tell us how you're doing.  

Yesterday was my birthday and Fathers Day. Today is uBPDw birthday. Got hotel room at 5 star hotel and dinner at our favorite 5 star restaurant. Everything went reasonably well with her wanting to constantly have sex. Then I got back home with her to spend the night and was scheduled to leave the next morning. Once home in her environment, she started again with expressing her "feelings" which ended with her saying she wanted me to give her "divorce papers." I walked out and drove back to my temporary separation abode. She called me 30+ times and countless texts. I stopped even responding to calls when the first words out of her mouth were "shut up!"

My replacement T says that if I'm unwilling to move back into this abusive environment then it's time to really get to working on me. I think I finally agree and now may be the time to move onto the next board for those ending and leaving. Tonight I'm sad but determined. At least all my stuff (business and personal) is out of the house. She can try to verbally abuse me, but she really can't unless I let her. I'm done with all that.

It must be really hard to try to make a decision that's best for you, when she keeps pulling you in (with lots of sex, surely that's a kind of abuse? She's using it against you) and then quickly pushing you away again.

It sounds like you're now thinking enough is enough and I can't blame you.  Staying in a r/s like that is only going to keep bring you down more and more, to put it mildly.

I'm glad you are seeing a T, I'm sure that will be a big help to you.  It's also helpful that you're things are already out of the house.

I know it's very painful right now, but it will get better.  I've just broken up with my BPDexbf over the weekend and whilst it was incredibly difficult and upsetting, I know it was the right thing for both of us, and it will get easier with time.

Look after yourself and keep posting. We're all here to listen and help 

Because that is what she must do.  I remember my ex even told me she was "punishing me".  It was awful.  The hell I went through is too much to even write in a short space.  Basically, I spent the rest of a 13 year marriage being punished for how I "neglected" her in the first few years (which, incidentally, was not neglect but rather me being terrified of being close to a person who would rage and abuse me when I did not give her what she "needed" in the right way, to begin with).

Unfortunately, you are learning that BPDs are difficult to break from. They'll use things like sex to bring you right back in. After I left my uBPDx, she tried for months to draw me back in with "let's talk about this" emails. They were just so cute and needy, and she knows that pushes my buttons. In our case, whatever sexual desire I had for her had died years before (I can't sleep with someone I don't trust - just can't do it), so she couldn't use that on me.

If you're leaving, don't sleep with her - that's an EPIC mixed message, and that's the worst thing you can do with BPDs. You need is boundaries, not interaction. I know that's difficult for you, but that's the way it's going to have to be. You need to decide what level of contact is healthy for you, and I think you'll figure out before long that level is very, very limited.

Besides, think of all the money you'll save on fancy hotels and restaurants.  

In the meantime, don't feel too badly about "giving in" to her - you're human. You're allowed to make mistakes. Hang in there and keep coming around.

I've pretty Much migrated to L3 now that I'm entering week 4 of separation with LC. NC is still way too painful. Anyways, I miss the dog, not so much the upBPDw. She's now playing sickening sweet wanting to be "friends" and have an amicable permanent separation. Makes me want to hit something. How cold. How calculating. How ridiculing. Whether there is ultimately hope for the hopeless remains to be seen. See you all on L3. You have my utmost respect and love. Peace out!

I really feel for you.  Sounds like it's the best thing for you though, even if it doesn't feel 100% that way at the moment. Stay strong (and you are strong, again you might not feel that way at the moment, but it takes a lot of strength to go through what you've been through).

Dude, if you're missing the dog more than your wife, that should DEFINITELY tell you something!  lol

But on a more serious note, I want you to think about LC for a moment. In my experience it should be restricted ENTIRELY to legal matters, or things that are related to the divorce. She'll try engaging you with emotional diarrhea (sounds like that's already happening), but you need to ignore it, as hard as it may be. And somewhere in the back of your mind, you're thinking, "if I'm nice to her she'll be amicable." In reality, the amicability of her interactions will have nothing to do with how "nice" you are to her, and everything to do with whatever's going through her head at any given moment. Her emotions are such a blur that it's hard to tell how she'll really react to anything.

Do what's right for you, let her worry about herself, and march forward. Easier said than done, I know... . but it is possible.

Here I sit on a Friday night with the texts flying in from the uBPDw and me not responding. And I'm jumping back and forth between L2 and L3 and sometimes I wish I were on L1, and so I must be crazier than her. lol Now she says that since I'm "ethical" and a "man of God" she's sure I won't "screw her" financially. The attempted guilt trips just go on and on. Get this: last week she says she wants me to "date her" twice a week. So I ask her out for Saturday night and she rejects me. Go figure. Trying to stay very LC. Still hard.