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So, the holidays are coming.  My kids are very little.  Do I get an Xmas card and have them sign it to give to their dad even though he's a soon to be ex?  If I don't do it, no one will.  Then again, when I was very little, I'm not sure my mom had me sign a card to my dad, or vice versa.  Hmmmm.  I will probably still do this for his bday, not sure about holidays.

I don't have enough information to give advice. So I'll just ask questions.

Why?

Will it benefit you?

Will it benefit the kids?

Will it benefit him?

I don't know how easily your ex gets triggered or what the holidays do to him. I just know that when it comes to the BPD person in my life I tread very carefully. It isn't that it never crosses my mind to do something nice but in my experience she makes those around her pay in spades for every kindness. At best, it wasn't enough. At worst, it's full scale triggering.

Eh, I don't know who it will benefit.  Seemed like the right thing to do.  But maybe not.  I don't think he's doing that for ME.  I think I will let it go. 

I often find myself wanting to do similar things as you mentioned. Why, I am not always sure. I think at times to show my daughter that just because we aren't together that I don't hate her mommy even if mommy hates dad. Now that might be wrong on my part. It does however allow my daughter to feel open to discussing even at 3 1/2 things and feelings she didn't do before.

Earlier on in our separation before it headed for divorce my ex generally appreciated or seemed to. Since that time about 8 months ago she either doesn't respond or reciprocate or reacts hostile out of her own guilt that she doesn't think to do nice things for me. Now I am learning to tread very lightly and check my motives. Most of the time I try to let my daughter lead, and I will tell her if she wants to do something we can but it is her choice and sometimes she chooses not to and sometimes she chooses to do it. That seems to be working okay for me, and she is just 3 1/2. That way I can legitimately say my daughter wanted to do it. My ex gets mad at me for letting her do it but that then shows how sick she is. That is my experience anyway. Pray/meditate or whatever you may do to listen to yourself before you are tempted and see where it leads you.

I like Nope's questions.

I think the healthiest thing, for both kids and nons, is to model healthy boundaries. If someone bullies me, I do not give them gifts. My kindness is a privilege I offer until you do something that causes me to revoke it. Once you abuse that privilege, you must earn it back. Earning it back is not easy. For some people, earning it back is not possible.

My lawyer gave me good advice: don't pretend. Your kids know. If you pretend, they lose faith in your ability to know what is real.

Momtara - Your kids are young, right? I help my son (9) buy presents for his dad or get a card when my son brings it up and asks. I set a small budget and I assist him. It is not my idea for the gifts, it is truly my son's idea and comes from him. It is not your responsibility to build a r/s between your kids and their dad. I take the stance that I am not going to harm the r/s, but I am not going to build it either. It is between them, and being the adult, I believe it is ex's responsibility. I can facilitate son on my end, but that's all I do.

It has never worked the other way. Ex has never facilitated son (even though son has told me he has asked) in getting me a gift. I am fortunate that my mom fills that roll and collaborates with son. :)

For D10's 9th birthday I bought her one of those pot holder making kits. She made a pot holder for her dad, one for me, one for paternal grandmother and one for her BPD mom. Something got screwed up while she was doing the stitching for the one for BPD mom and so grandmother and I sat with her for a long time helping her fix it. We sat there smiling over the fact that we couldn't believe we were in that situation and managing to be so good about it. But at the end of the day it's all about the emotional health of the kids. That's what separates us from them.