BPDFamily.com

First, off, hello to anyone who recognizes my name. Skip ahead to "THE REAL ISSUE" if you don't want the backstory. I stopped posting on here 2 years-ish back. My wife and i split up for over a year. She had a remarkable recovery, which actually might have been helped by our time apart (gave her a chance to hit true rock bottom, try out being her own boss, dating a few guys... .). When I describe it to our friends who ask what happens, I always explain a story I heard about some guy vaulting off a bridge, only to realize as his hand left the railing that he was making a mistake and wanted to make it all work out. He described like a switch being flipped. I can only describe her situation in the same way. And believe me, after many false switches, I knew this was different, and even then, I still approached everything with caution. We reunited over a year ago. She is very stable, her meds (I'm assuming) are helping a lot, she is not depressed, and I can feel a real difference in her.

Things really are wonderful! It's amazing the little things that I might even take for granted now, already. There was a new honeymoon period, for sure, where it honestly made me nervous how overly perfect she was being. That really did wear off a bit and it was good that I knew it would. But what remained was what feels like a real mutual relationship. So one of those new things I take for granted, but still try to cherish when I think of it: "How was your day?"

When I get home 10 minutes late and get "how was your day?" rather than pure vitriol... .well, the former is obviously a billion times better.

Speaking of my title... .I really hope I didn't put anyone in a bad mood by saying things like "it's wonderful!" I hope, instead, that you will find it encouraging that something like a recovery is possible and actually happens.

THE REAL ISSUE

THESE DAYS, my wife would NOT be freshly diagnosed with BPD. However, her prescribing doctor still has that diagnosis for her, and she still has many remnants, and just old familiar thought patterns that pop up. So that's why I thought this crew would have some insight.

Since my wife moved towards my area, she's been 2 hours from her best friend. They don't see each other much. Her best friend started dating a guy with a 6 yo daughter. They seemed to love each other (though he's not "our style" and after less than a year dating she got pregnant, without knowing it. A few months in, she found out, they scheduled a quick wedding, and a couple months after that, had a baby (just a few weeks ago).

First, my wife was hurt not to be very involved in the shower or the wedding prep. She was told about the engagement after she suspected a bunch of other friends found out. She had never talked to the best friend about a possible engagement. It was all very quick. Every time someone talked about it she got upset. She felt left out, irritated, etc. Even when she tried to take initiative and make plans to talk or meet up (her past, BPD self would have shunned her friend until she came begging forgiveness), her friend would fail to respond to the message for days.

Same thing after the baby came. My wife had a cold, couldn't go the day of. But then when planning to see her friend and baby, her friend was NOT in a hurry about it. And left an open ended "we should plan something!" for over a week before finally setting something up, again, after my wife decided to call and see how it was going. When we did go visit 2-3 weeks after the birth, we heard about other friends and family that had already visited "2-3 times!" More hurt.

After we went to visit, my wife was borderline obsessive about not liking the husband. AND more... .They were bad parents, they didn't pick up the child in less than 1 minute of crying. She didn't breastfeed though she was staying home and didn't have anything preventing her. They even suggested that they had no plans to let the baby "cry it out" to learn to sleep through the night but that they would let him cry and fuss for a little bit. I took it as, "I'm sure they just mean the baby is fussy and is fighting sleep but is generally fine." or in other words, it's not much of our business and we couldn't do anything about it anyway.

In short, my wife was finding everything she could to criticize them for. I mainly "softly" agreed, though I hate these kinds of conversations and have since her told her (after she has brought it up repeatedly) we should just give them the benefit of the doubt and try not to worry about it.

Following this visit, she talked about how she changed the baby without him crying, something neither of them were able to do. She kept bringing up not liking the husband and how she disagreed with how they talked to/raised his daughter, etc... .She would text her friend, saying nice things about the baby, and then getting genuinely ANGRY when her friend said everything was going well. "She's hiding something, it's NEVER easy at that age, she's not acting like herself... ."

Cut-scene: My wife quit meds while pregnant 6 years ago. She had a difficult, deprressed, long, hot pregnancy. She had a similar early motherhood experience. Our son didn't sleep through the night till 9 months... .and she breastfed and he didn't do great drinking pumped milk from a bottle. She wanted another baby at times. Sometimes a main reason for this was so that our son would have a playmate. As her BPD logic worked at that time, there was always SOMETHING preventing her peace and happiness, and something that desperately should be done to CHANGE things. At other times though, she wanted to avoid the pain and depression as well. She was also, suffice to say, very BPD symptomatic during my sons first three years. She knew we probably shouldn't have a baby until she was "better", and even now, she is wary (as I am) of dropping off meds to get pregnant. Also, we are considering fostering, and we can't do both at once. Anyway, early motherhood was HARD for her. Very depressed and BPD, OFF meds (and hadn't even found good meds by that time yet... .we didn't even know about BPD yet). On top of that, very needy, very sleepless child.

So I encouraged her, regardless of how much of a "best friend" her best friend was actually BEING, she could act like a best friend if she wanted. So she made plans today and met her friend at a mall halfway. I think she envisioned her friend "coming out" about how hard mothering was, how her husband was running the show, forcing her to say that everything was just dandy... .

And what her friend ACTUALLY told her was that things really were dandy!

So my wife is sad, this is bringing up her own hard experience. She's very focused on how hard HER experience was, and how no one understands that (6 years later... .?). She recently was talking to another mom about a difficult child. My wife told me later, casually, how that made her "happy". I was talking to her on the phone, reminding her that she's right, it never is really fair, we all have totally different stories. I then said (keep in mind I didn't "attack" her with this the first time, this is after a few weeks of her having many days affected by this same topic) that i don't really think we can ever be truly objective. we DO sometimes measure our blessings by how hard we know others have it. I mean, if everybody had a perfect life we wouldn't KNOW it was perfect. But really, i said, I don't think it's great to compare ourselves too long/too hard against ANYone, whether it's making us feel good or bad. We just have to try to be positive about what we have, and then try to be genuinely happy for others (especially our best friends!) when they have something good going on.

I can tell this isn't over. I can tell she is even a little upset after our conversation. Back in her severe BPD days, she'd be straight up mad for me not being on her side, even if i validated that last 4 times we had the same discussion... .These days, she knows she shouldn't be mad at me (or at least that I don't mean anything mean by it and that she should think about the whole issue instead of now refocusing her madness and sadness on me). She might even think I sound right. But she still has that old path of thinking. Like I said, it's so much better, but those old paths still pop up. If she just got SAD, a little jealous, I don't think I'd think much of it. But when she gets ANGRY, starts talking about the new husband like she hates him (even if she doesn't truly), then it starts to feel BPD.

I recently chose to congratulate a co-worker on a promotion. I had that jealous feeling, thoughts of areas that I'm "better" in. But I knew that didn't help to dwell on, and that I really was being jealous as a natural reaction, and that she was plenty good enough to deserve the job. I basically knew the feeling would come and go, and I was pretty good at looking at the whole situation and my emotional reaction objectively. I wouldn't tell this story to my wife, she'd think I was acting superior, however, I feel like she's so far from that peaceful/rational reaction. When friends get something nicer, for example, a few friends recently got new houses, which we can't afford, the conversation always seems to go to how our situation is still basically better anyway, those friends still have these areas that they're still unhappy, or they're bound to have new struggles. I might feel a tinge of jealousy too, but I want to just be able to say, and have the attitude, "Good for them. I'd like to have that too (or I don't care to), but I simply don't, and I'm still going to be able to be just as happy as I am today."

So, my wife gets sad and mad when others have it easier. She sometimes feels happier when others have it harder or equally hard. She doesn't ever recognize or suggest that she sees a problem with this. But I do, I'm a little disturbed by it, and am sick of digging into others lives to figure out in what ways they have it worse in order to make my wife feel better (or passively agreeing with her observations). What do I do? Do you just demonstrate a peaceful reaction? But nobody has the same emotions. And especially BPD people often think their emotions imply that they face an ACTUAL PROBLEM that is stronger and bigger and harder.

Anyway, it's just like me to post a giant one on my first day back... .Maybe i'll come on here more often. Most of my issues will center on the fact that she is no longer diagnosable as BPD, yet still has some of the thought patterns. One con is that she feels so far recovered that she doesn't go to therapy or appear to very actively improve herself. (Something that hasn't changed much since her more BPD days.)

Hey Tranch   Welcome back!  I remember you :)

Glad to hear things are better for the most part and can understand your frustration with the getting into other people's business aspect and dissecting it/them while comparing.

My mom does this and it drives me bonkers lol

I've learned to say uh huh or hmm and walk away to do something else (unload dishwasher, sort through mail, grab some laundry to fold etc... ) when it becomes too much.  Changing the subject has worked well, too

Bottom line, I don't get into it much because I'm not interested and it's saved my sanity.

Do you think something like this might work for you?

Yeah, I think I do that already for the first couple "rounds" of it, and maybe it's worth it for me to just keep doing it. After a few times she might find I'm not a good person to get into the topic with anyway since I don't seem to get intense enough about it... .

It is frustrating to see a behavior when they don't. I wish I could affect her train of thought, or just get her to analyze her own thought process, to be really honest with how it all started and where she went from there. She doesn't SHARE anything like that very often so I just don't know if it happens.

This is a challenge, like I think I mentioned before, with her "getting better." Sometimes I think she thinks the work is done. She never was crazy about therapy or self-help.

Hi, Tranch,

I read your first 12 paragraphs. Your wife has made good progress and I think you should help her get pregnant with the second child ASAP. BPD per se does not require medication, so I am not sure why she is taking any. Does she have a co-morbidity that requires medication? Unless the co-morbidity is serious, she could probably discontinue meds while trying to get pregnant.

The issues about her friend are a distraction at best. She may be fixating on the friend's pregnancy and motherhood because she feels blocked in her desire for a second child with you. What is happening between you and her is the crux of the matter. Understandably, men these days hold onto many reasons for not giving their wives the number of babies they want. However, how can you deny her the companion child to your first-born? Every family deserves this. You two have done a lot of hard work together. Give her what she deserves, and what your first child needs. You will not regret it. Put any thoughts of fostering on the back burner for now.

Having babies is the most wonderful (of course also the most challenging) part of life for a couple. We all have a limited time to do this. Rise to the occasion, esteemed BPD spouse.

Welcome back!  I'm glad to hear your wife is doing so much better these days. 

I'm sure its frustrating to hear her vent negatively about here friend, but I'm not sure there is much you can do other than validate a bit and then change the subject.