BPDFamily.com

After a very tough weekend (I came home on Friday and realised that he had gone straight from work to stay at my replacement's house) whereby I totally wigged out. I still don't know why him going on friday night got to me ... and he stayed Fri, Sat and Sunday ... god it was hard ... but I am doing just a little bit better.

I think that the fact that he rushed off from work to her just got to me, the other 2 weekends he has left it until late Saturday afternoon to go and it just seemed like ... well, like he couldn't wait to get to her. And that really stung.

I still haven't seen him since he got back, he has been asleep by the time I have gotten home - again, this makes me feel like he is just so exhausted from the weekend ... my mind goes to horrible places with that.

I have also taken to checking his presence on one of the dating websites that I know he uses and am taking great pleasure in seeing that he is checking in every day. But, I know he isn't seriously looking as he would check more often if he was ... he is just ... trolling.

My mood is still dominated by thoughts of him ... it seems like things are going well with my replacement so far ... and that hurts but, I haven't seen him in nearly a week and that is the longest we have ever gone without speaking ... and I have survived and even thrived a little ... .I am managing to remind myself that he is not good for me ... that he treated and treats me badly ... and I need to keep working on detaching. I haven't cried since Saturday ... but I worry about the pleasure I take from his trolling and if I am totally honest, I am hoping the sleeping is because things are not going wonderfully well with my replacement (yes, I know I am contradicting myself ... but that is where my mind is going ... I want desperately for it to fall apart - not to get back with him ... just so he is somehow punished).

I am still a mess ... but I am a better mess. I have a therapy appointment on Thursday night and I am hoping that this will also help.

I still don't WANT to move on ... that is my current struggle ... to find that want ...