BPDFamily.com

Quick question here:

Is it necessary to declare some kind of agreement that you are exclusive in a NORMAL relationship?

When I got replaced she used the excuse that I never told her we were exclusive. I understand that it's a typical BPD/narc way of avoiding responsibly. There is no way she could have misunderstood my intentions throughout the three years we were together. It was a committed and exclusive relationship.

But she is right: I never said it out loud. And it haunts me that the relationship should fail because I have misunderstood the unwritten rules of being in a relationship.

I guess I already know the answer. That in a BPD/NPD relationship it obviously is necessary to declare and point out that it is a committed and exclusive relationship.

But what about a normal relationship? Is it necessary? I never knew that it must be said out loud and I'm so confused now. Am I too naive to believe that an exclusive relationship is when you are talking together. Having sex together. Kissing and doing things together. And planning things?

Like I said, I think I already know the answer but I'm just so confused after all this.

And what does she mean with exclusive? That I should have proposed? It was my intentions and I feel terrible if it all have failed because I failed to propose in time. I keep hearing stories that if you like a girl you should close the deal fast. And I would have proposed earlier but silent treatment and devaluation made it impossible. My replacement proposed to her after 4-5 months. Can I expect her to treat the new relationship as exclusive? I think she started to devaluate me because I failed to propose fast enough, but needless to say that when I found it was too late to stop the devaluation.

In my opinion, if you reach the stage of telling each other, "I love you," and your love interest still hasn't yet told you that she wants to be polyamorous/a swinger, that she is still married, or that she used to be a man, then that is a relationship foul on her... .

My question to you: Why are you questioning yourself? Isn't three years a long time? Long enough for her to learn who you are and what you want, i.e. happy and in an exclusively monogamous relationship?

As you said, you know the answer.

Mine took marriage vows and somehow, when I caught him cheating online three years into our marriage, that was my fault - you know? He stood in front of our family and friends and promised fidelity forever. It meant 'until I decide otherwise, but don't tell you.'

Your relationship was exclusive. She knew that. Just she changed the goal posts when it no longer suited her. Because then she'd have to take responsibility for her infidelity, and that isn't going to happen.

wow, where to start huhhuh?

all of this is assuming your ex has BPD... .

she didn't devaluate you because you didn't propose soon enough, she devaluated you because this is what pwBPD do, devalue the people that they claim to care about. this would have happened, proposal or not, because if she didn't devalue you then she probably doesn't have a personality disorder, right? let's just de-gaslight that one  :)

ok, regarding exclusivity--i think you know the obvious answer to this that this completely sounds like further gaslighting by her on you. i'm interested to know this--did your ex gf ever get jealous of you? did your ex ever accuse you of cheating? nearly all our ex's on here accused us of cheating--this means they expect exclusivity. not sure of your situation but she accused you of cheating then i think it's obvious that she expected you to not see anyone else, or else there wouldn't be cheating.

good lord, so now it's occurring to me that she's implying that you two were never exclusive... .wow, but at the same time she was wanting a proposal? you've got to see the beautiful paradox here. no need to believe this hype, ok?

Can you expect her to treat the new r/s as exclusive? << So, a good word of warning is to judge not the person your ex is seeing now. Whatever you know of him through her is probably twisted and distorted--either it's too-good-to-be true twisted to hurt you, or perhaps she's already devaluing him undeservedly.

Here's the deal though--you were with your ex for 3 years. Sounds like you loved her and wanted to commit; but something held you back from proposing. That something was your gd common sense, your own strength and trust in yourself. And the gift, although painful at first is that you are beginning recovery sooner than many.

Three years and you weren't quite ready; 4-5 months and this other guy is proposing to her, already? If i was his father boy I'd... .My (wild) guess? That guy is helplessly p-whipped... .and this doesn't bode well for him b/c pwBPD tend to bore of this quickly. I, like you was with my ex but for 4 years, something just wasn't right although i was considering spending my life with her. Thank HEAVEN I didn't propose... .I knew something wasn't right. And when I started testing things out (trying to see if we could improve trust/communication), well it blew up in my face!  :) The next guy, who came along a few weeks after our break (or, sooner?)--completely p-whipped. Sent her tons of text messages all day (I know because we still lived together), changed his r/s status on FB within 14 days of meeting her, brutally, and i mean she brutally dumped this guy maybe 4 months later. he put in all his cojones too soon. I was aloof, bled a lot slower, careful and worried about getting married, although i loved the hell out of her and wanted it to work... .all of this is to say, no, i don't think she devalued you because you have good and common sense huhhuh.

learning_curve7:

Thanks for the reply.  It confirms my thoughts, that it WAS an exclusive relationship.

Why I question myself? Because it bothers me that she is still together with my replacement. I was 100% sure it would fail very soon after. I know how impossible she can be, and I know how much crap I took, so why would anybody accept her behavior. But like goldyamont write, it must be because my replacement is more p-wipped than what I would accept.

Jbt857:

Well. Your story sure confirms that they don't take proposal and marriage for exclusive relationship. But I guess knew that already. It only mean exclusive when it suits them.


goldylamont:

Haha... You're right. I can see the paradox in her expecting a proposal and then afterwards claiming it was not exclusive. and for the cheating part... Yes. When I caught her cheating with my replacement of cause she accused me for cheating too. I can understand that it's a way they project the shame and guilt.

It is really important to make definitive agreements in a relationship - without them it is not uncommon or pathologic for one party to see the relationship different than the other party.

It is important to agree on an exclusive relationship.




While #1 is true, it doesn't necessarily lead into #2.

It is true that if she was looking for a commitment and you weren't committing, she may have moved on.  In such a case, the issue would most likely would have be raised numerous times... .so you would know.

It could be that she never viewed the relationship as exclusive or committed.

And it could a technicality to blame shift a messy relationship demise onto you (and not her).

This happens in all kinds of relationships.  That's why it is best to have the discussion and reinforce it periodically.

No. My answer is no because when you reach that point you both know. Making a request for or declaring exclusiveness acknowledges insecurity. A secure person won't find this necessary. It becomes self evident. It will eithor happen or it won't. Bottom line... .actions speak louder than words. Believe only half of what you see and nothing that you hear.

Mine, as my T says, "tries to justify the unjustifiable."

- Since we were never married, she wasn't committing infidelity or cheating. Hard to break the commitment you never make.

- Since she supposedly hasn't "slept" with her paramour (yet), he's not her "boyfriend" (she only defined me as her boyfriend when we finally sealed it with sex

I called him her "boyfriend" the other night after I caught him calling her phone as we were sitting down with the kids for dinner. She broke down and finally admitted, "I don't know what I have with him!" Well, I replied, based on the mistaken text you sent to me, meant for him, you called him "Love" Pretty clear indicator there!

Now, she is in a relationship with two men (well, one man and one boy), which approximates a relationship with one man. VERY dysfunctional and messed up. What a horribly convoluted soul.